I committed voter fraud in 2016

By Lord Tyler Sikov

VIDEO : BUSTED! Vegas Hillary Staff Caught on Hidden ...

               So, you might be thinking why is he being so open about this, that is a federal offence. But I am telling you all this because I trust you. Also, I have publicized many other treasonous acts, so if they are coming to get me, they will do it one way or another. I will start with that, yes, I did illegally cast 2 votes in the 2016 election. During that election I was not old enough to vote for real, so I had to get creative with how I got alone time with one of those sweet voting machines. In the past when I had committed voter fraud, I went to the polling location with my parents and while there I pretended to play with those fake voting machines. While I played with those toys, I provided enough of a distraction for me to signal my ninjas without anyone noticing.  Comically, I voted for then host of the Celebrity Apprentice, a show I executive produced at the age of 8, Donald Trump, 7 times in 2008. At that time, I thought he was just a goofy guy who was friends with my favorite magician Penn Gillette. I could have never expected that after receiving only 7 votes, he would decide to run for president 8 years later. In 2012, before I realized the power my illegal votes held, I voted for a different candidate for president. I voted 39 times for ISIS, and I realize now that based on my previous success at guessing future candidates, I should have been more careful. I apologize for my past indiscretions.  So, I decided I would make up for it in 2016 when Trump announced his run after sending me a letter thanking me.

               In 2016 I went to two separate polling locations to make sure all of my illegal votes were counted equally. The first polling location I went to was well guarded, to get in and vote I had to answer a few riddles such as: what is your name, can you sign here, what is 3 times 6, “I run but never walk and I have a bed but never sleep”, what is your voter registration number. I just answered “river” for all of these questions, which confused the poll watchers but they guessed that turning river into numbers would give them my voter registration number. This worked because many years prior I had murdered someone named river and assumed their identity for the purpose of voting in this election. I got through and stole the voting block key thing and voted twice for: Donatello the ninja turtle (President), Yertle the turtle (Vice President), The tortoise who beat the hare (Governor, he lost to Tom Wolf, so I still got an animal elected), and Crush from finding Nemo (Australian ambassador).

               Once I left that polling spot, I knew I would need help to pull off my next mission. So, I pulled some strings with my contacts in the many Narco states to our south and got myself a lot of Latin American Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, mafia members, and other assorted rapists, criminals, and good/bad hombres to help me with my task. We all went to a polling place and I used the skills I picked up at hypnotism camp to have the workers and voters let us pass and cast our votes. All said and done, we cast over 3 million votes for Hillary Clinton. I then sent an email to Trump to inform him that I brought a bunch of illegal immigrants to vote for his opponent and he thanked me for giving him a scapegoat to blame if he lost.

               In the most recent election, the 2020 Presidential election, I voted only once. As I am now old enough to vote legally, I decided I would hang up my voter fraud suspenders, yes I was wearing suspenders this whole time, rethink what you imagine a felon who casts illegal votes looks like. I plan to pass on my skills of disrupting the democratic process to my kids one day, but until then, I suppose I will live under either the radical socialist government the Right seems to think will happen or the barely change government under Biden that the Left envisions. Also, if you live in Georgia remember to vote in this upcoming runoff, I would never try to influence who you vote for, just don’t let it be a turtle, any other animal is ok, there are already too many turtles in the senate.

Who to Vote For if You Hate the Two Party System

By the writers of The Pittiful News

Parties to vote for down ballot:

  • The Green Party
    • Outlaw all colors other than green, categorize littering as an act of eco terrorism, and force all citizens to wear green contacts
  • The Progresso Party
    • Soup for all, all for soup 
  • The Party City Party
    • Make America Lit Again, nobody parties for less
  •  The Darty Party
    • Make booze a fundamental human right, make pong the next great American pastime
  • The Whig Party
    • A classy group of older gentlemen who wanted to feel alive again, both in political spirit and new hair.
  • The Party Rock Anthem
    • In favor of shaking, shuffling, and just having a good time. Also pro-fracking, for some reason.
  • The Democratic Party
    • I don’t know, they like democracy, I guess. Isn’t that a little out of touch these days? Kind of a boring name. 
  • The Golfing Par-Tee
    • Fore score and seven years ago, the Golfing Par-Tee was founded to rid the United States of bogies and make it safe again for the birdies. Supports changing the national bird from an eagle to an albatross.
  • The Donner Party
    • Travel across the United States. Eat each other. What’s not to love?
  • The Bull Moose Party
    • Own big sticks and talk quietly 
  • The Youth International Party
    • Called the Yippies, they were active in the election of 1968 with their stellar candidate, Pigasus the Immortal, a 145-pound domestic pig. Famously ran on the slogan, “If we can’t have him in the White House, we can have him for breakfast.” While they have not been active since, I want them back. Please.
  • Orange Soda Party
    • Similar mission as Jonestown but with orange soda this time
  • Ryan’s party
    • You show up at the wrong house and play settlers of catan with the least cool kid in school, but at least you get snacks (gluten free, vegan, nut free, sugar free, and with no added narcan) 
  • Margaritaville Party
    • The only time is 5:00 PM, drinking and relaxing is mandatory B-)

Write in candidates for the races you don’t understand:

  • Flo
    • Runs on a progressive platform, big on insurance
  • Ivana Tinkle
    • Campaign speeches consist only of half-baked puns.  
  • Any turtle
    • The plan is to just steal a turtle and make it the president, turtles can live very long and nowhere does it say that the president must be human
  • Joe Mama
    • Is a pretty immature candidate and wants to re-fund the football department
  • Deez Nuts
    • Got em
  • Mr. Whiskertons
    • Wants to require naptime every other hour by law. Needs someone else to bring his food on a platter, pre-mushed
  • Papa John
    • Has learned a lot from his recent scandals and is ready to take on DC.  Note: he is sponsored by Little Ceasars
  • Donald Trump
    • That goofball businessman from that show “The Apprentice.” Wouldn’t it be really funny if that guy was president of the United States? Wouldn’t it?
  • Billy Joel
    • It’s 5 o’clock on a Tuesday, the masked crowd shuffles in hoping to vote for someone who does not outlaw music.
  • Paula Deen
    • Raised on dirt roads and sweet tea, Paula Deen is running a platform centered around free speech; she’s been really bored since the Food Network days
  • The long lost 5th Green brother Carlos
    • Is currently openly bisexual and will make bi erasure punishable by banishment, supplies the country with lesbian aunt style pants and gay old man sweaters, will start lid-con a convention based around sharing lids with your friends from around the world
  • Tilda Swinton and Mathew Perry
    • They will fight to the death to determine who will win the race they are in

How I’ll Be Spending My Shelter-in-Place

By Sarah Yule 

How to Build the Ultimate Blanket Fort in 2020 | Blanket fort, Sleepover  room, Tent kids room

If you had the sense to mute your Outlook notifications this past Monday, you may have missed the news that we Pitt students are “strongly encouraged” to shelter in place about two weeks prior to going home for Thanksgiving. As can be said for many aspects of this Flex@Pitt dystopia, this recommendation can feel a tad yucky. Who wants to spend the last fourteen days of living under the rule of the benevolent and all-powerful Kenny BonBon and Pitt’s very own Galligator within the four walls of their teeny dwelling? We should be out and about, sowing our wild oats from one dirty South O basement to the next. But alas, we find ourselves here, and I have taken up the task of gifting you some advice on what you can do to make your shelter-in-place less depressing. 

1. For all my freshman, maybe you took the Freshman-15 as an obligatory sprint instead of a lightly suggested marathon. Maybe you, say, blew all of your dining dollars on pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream at Market to Go and have resorted to using your debit card these past weeks. Maybe, just maybe, the workers in said Market to Go know you and give you the same sad look when you check out with said Ben & Jerry’s ice cream pint on a near-daily basis. All of this is hypothetical, and I am totally not speaking from experience. So, now is the time to turn it around. Okay, I know, it is not possible nor healthy to embark on a total weight loss overhaul with mere days left in the semester. But, if you get off at the Gain Train’s next stop, you can ensure that this Thanksgiving of comments like “Wow, you really grew up!” is the last of its kind. 

2. Read that book that you told yourself you were going to read. It’s been sitting on your desk as a reminder of your failure to stick to anything and to leave it there would be letting that book win. What’s my shame book, you may ask? It’s a self-help read sent to me by my father following my first tearful phone call home in August when I couldn’t figure out how to get the dryer to start. While the book doesn’t directly deal with the function of laundry apparatuses, I’d assume it must have something useful to offer me. So, I will be delving into that sucker come November 12th. 

3. Call your friends from your hometown and prepare to make all of this shelter-in-placing for naught. You’ve been away from these people for months, so logically that extra week before Thanksgiving has to include a large gathering with half of your graduating class. Sure, it’ll put everyone around you in danger, but a life not lived on the edge is hardly worth living. 

4. Walk (six feet away from all human life forms) around campus and say a quick goodbye to all of your favorite spots. Much to my chagrin, I do have to advise you not to actually kiss the structures you’re bidding adieu to; I love a good building as much as the next guy, but these are unprecedented times, folks. I plan on washing my hands one last time in the definitely-haunted bathroom on the third floor of Cathy. I’ll get my last large iced coffee with almond milk and pumpkin swirl from the Forbes Ave Dunkin. Lastly, I will eat my last order of Sarah’s signature shame lo mein from Schenley Plaza’s Asia Tea House. That goodbye will undoubtedly be the most heartbreaking.

Once you’ve done all of these things, you’ll be perfectly ready to go back to your hometown. I wish you luck, and look forward to seeing you crying as I pass you on your very own farewell tour of Pitt’s campus over the coming weeks.

Horoscopes For the Week Of October 19th

By Ella Mizera

The autumn breeze has begun to set in, and in this period of transition it’s always helpful to keep an eye on the future.

Aries: You will reminisce on the futility of life this week, just as you have every other week this year. You can find an answer, but it will involve going to the Dunkin’ Donuts on Forbes and asking for Jim.

Taurus: Try using conditioner before shampoo. This isn’t a metaphor, I just want to know what happens if you do that.

Gemini: Your scrapbooking hobby will take a turn for the gruesome, so make sure to freshen the air before your roommate comes back and asks you why the room smells like blood.

Cancer: That window doesn’t lead outside. I don’t know where it goes, but it isn’t where you think it goes based on Euclidean geometry. Maybe that’s where they keep the frozen corpses of our previous deans?

Virgo: Have a friend over for dinner. Also, the meaning of life is written on page 42 of the closest textbook. I know, it’s weird.

Libra: Bernie Sanders will appear to you in dreams, asking for a sacrifice. What he asks of you is entirely dependent on your relationship with your mother.

Scorpio: What if my dog is just an ambulating mass of bees wearing a dog suit for Halloween? What if yours is too?

Sagittarius: The next few days will be hard. Substantially harder, as if they were somehow more solid than the last. Enjoy your liquid days while they last, for the freezer of God is merciless.

Capricorn: It’s time that we started going back to geocentrism, and you are the perfect leader for this intellectual uprising. Show NASA what’s up.

Aquarius: Throw a dart at the map. Wherever the dart lands, an unwitting animal will gain the ability to speak. It will revere you as a god, but you will never meet it. At least, I hope not.

Pisces: Eating a sticker seemed like a good idea at the time, I know, but what you didn’t foresee is that the adhesive would bind to the roof of your mouth. Please let me know if you’re okay.

Ophiuchus: You’ll fall in love.

I stole my neighbor’s lawn ornaments

By Tyler Sikov

               I have once again gotten myself into a pickle, not literally this time. My neighbors wanted to test out their new security system, so they asked me to steal some of their lawn ornaments. I was on board immediately and began planning my expert heist. I arrive at their house (like a minute after I leave my house, you know neighbors and all) and I set my sights on my targets, the ornaments.

               There is an assortment of ornaments. There is a peacock where the tail and body spin independently of each other. There is one that is topped with an orb, that I am certain is just a wizard staff half buried in the ground. There is a very rusted sun flower. The last one is a stained-glass picture of 2 butterflies on a stick.

               I look for defenses and more importantly flaws in the defenses. I do not notice anything stopping me from stealing the ornaments. So, I walk up and pick the orb and peacock up. I walk back to my house and hide them in my garage. I go back and get the other 2 ornaments and hide them in my garage. As with all crimes I commit, I desire recognition so I go back to the scene of the crime and contemplate stealing their potted plants but decide against it.

               A few hours later my neighbors asked where their lawn ornaments went. I informed them that I stole them as they had requested to which they replied that they had not yet installed their new security system and had been at a funeral while I was stealing their ornaments. They asked me to return them but I said no because I put some effort into planning my heist. I was planning on doing a number of flips and rolls through the laser field I pictured. I brought multiple bandanas which I planned to use as weapons. Most importantly I had a getaway driver which I never used, now I have to apologize to my mom for not using her help in yet another criminal act. I will keep you, my readers, up to date on my escapades in nefarious activities.

Coaching Deity Pat Narduzzi Reveals Secret Strategy to Win Football Games

By Evan Rafferty

Author’s Note: This article was written long ago, based on an alternative timeline in which the author still felt happiness. When the sun still rose in the morning, the birds sang their cheerful songs, when Pitt didn’t absolutely blow it against NC State, and bungle it against Boston goddamn College. Football only serves as a chilling reminder that nothing will change, nobody loves you, and it doesn’t get better, so don’t get your hopes up. Until next Saturday.

    That’s right, nerds. Close that textbook. Put away that laptop. It’s time to watch our lads sling some pigskin and slam a bunch of losers into the dirt. What do you mean there’s a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic going on? Shut up, it’s football season.

Unless you’re actually dumb, then you know that our Pitt Panthers opened up the 2020 season with absolutely dominating victories over a bunch of posers that call themselves the Austin Peay State University “Governors,” and a basket of oranges hailing from Syracuse. Who knew you could grow citrus in upstate New York? Anyway, if you know anything about the greatest sport in America, you could probably deduce that this means that Pitt is once again the best team in the nation (Don’t @ me, Clemson. See you on November 28th). But for Pitt and their head coach, Pat “The Thunder of Southern Connecticut” Narduzzi, with great power rankings comes great responsibility. The Panthers have an obligation, a moral imperative, to enlighten the mass media and give some insider information on just how the Panthers have gotten off to such a hot start. However, despite the onslaught of reporters foaming at the mouth, begging for an iota of detail behind the team’s victories, none have been successful at getting the coaching staff to spill the beans. It was time to bring in the big guns, the A-team, the best detective that upper campus has to offer: me.

    With help from my god complex and the motivation from my self-condemned Sisyphean struggle to try and inform the stupid common man, I was able to call in a few favors, whip up a little blackmail, and break into Heinz Field by disguising myself as a ketchup bottle in order to get a one-on-one interview with the man, the myth, the legend himself, Patrick Regan Narduzzi. While you might have expected someone to be surprised or scared by a walking, talking, stalking, popping, and locking tomato sauce container approaching you and screaming out of excitement, Narduzzi paid no attention to my presence. The man’s a stoic. His eyes were glued to a screen playing the entirety of Louisville’s offensive film at 139x speed, faster than any normal human could comprehend. That’s when I knew I had something special to report, and I had to go deeper than simple observation. It took a super-secret Pentagon safe word used to bring government agents out of their natural brain-washed state, ‘Linguini,’ to awaken the coach from his game-day preparation hibernation. 

    Narduzzi’s head snapped toward me with the incredible speed of someone snapping their head towards someone at an alarmingly fast rate. His eyes began to glow, a haunting shade of Pitt Royal™, HEX #003594.

A voice from deep within the Allegheny mountains rumbled to life and spoke from the language of the ancient gods, blasting directly into my temporal lobe: “Quid est bonum, fratrem?

“W-Well, your Duzziness,” I stuttered, trying and failing to maintain my composure and credibility in the face of greatness. “I have come before you to beg, to plead for a scoop. How have the Panthers grown into the greatest football team in football history, in such a short amount of football time? What’s the football secret- a new formation, a trick play, a UPMC-developed football steroid?”

Do not fear, my child. I was but a curious mortal once, as well. I will give you the answers you seek… for a price,” the coach said, a sly grin creeping across his face. 

“But of course, your Duzziness. Hell, I’d give an arm and a leg to learn the process behind the best football team in the wo-”

 I woke up in UPMC Presbyterian 4 days and 12 hours later, missing two of my most trusted and loved appendages. Sorry if the helicopter woke you up again, that was probably me. As my mind repaired itself from my encounter with such a powerful figure, I felt an object materialize in my pocket out of thin air. I reached down with my remaining arm and retrieved a note, a message from Patrick Narduzzi himself. Written with the blood of a Nittany lion (whatever that is), on ancient parchment made of the skin of a Mountaineer, the memorandum spoke thus:

Victory is not found in singular glory, or modern scheme

To win, one must score more points than the opposing team.

    My hippocampus began to shake, collapsing in on itself from the weight of pure godly knowledge that had just made its way into my brain. Every kind of doctor you can think of rushed into the room to try and save my life. An epinephrine injection directly into the brain stem, a defibrillator, and fourteen kinds of essential oils attempted to keep my very soul in its flesh casing, but all of them failed.

I write this account to you, dear reader, from the world beyond. I trust you with this message, and that you will use it to do good in the world. Just know that when January rolls around and Pitt is playoff-bound, the famed “Kenny Heisman” theorem of scoring more points than the other team, developed by Coach Narduzzi, and whatever Lovecraftian Yinzer lord lies within him, is what brought them there. Hail to Pitt.       

How to make friends

By The Writers of the Pittiful news

  1. Pizza
  2. Steal cats
    1. Not from them
    2. Just bribe them with other people’s cats
  3. Buy a plant, that is now your “friend”
  4. Be the only girl in a men’s wrestling club
  5. Write an ad on craigslist “man seeking man for a fun time” and meet a new buddy!
  6. Pay them, because nobody would willingly spend time with you without gaining something in return. You absolute coffee filter of a man. 
  7. Buy animal crossing and talk to your animated animal villagers. Trust me, it kind of feels like you’re talking to real people. It’s basically the same thing, right? 
  8. Don’t. They are useless. You cannot take them with you to the beyond. 
    1. Well you can but that is frowned upon in most cultures
  9. Profess your undying love to the person you made eye contact with on the bus
  10. Just talk to people. Duh. 
  11. Have a car.
  12. Stop making jokes about your dad leaving when you were seven as an icebreaker. Try asking for their name first. 
  13. Say “do you get any of this?” to the guy next to you in class, even though it actually makes perfect sense to you, but you know the guy next to you has been asleep for the past ten minutes. Score.
  14. Ask the cute girl in your accounting class what her fursona is, rwar XD! *nuzzles* ensues 
  15. Kidnap them beauty and the beast style, Stockholm syndrome creates the strongest of bonds!
  16. Get pregnant and when you give birth boom instant friend. 
    1. First problem, i am boy
    2. A rebuttal: Society has progressed past the need for boys. Sucks to suck. 
  17. Water (35 L), Carbon (20 kg), Ammonia (4 L), Lime (1.5 kg), Phosphorous (800 g), Salt (250 g), Saltpeter (100 g), Sulfur (80 g), Fluorine (7.5 g), Iron (5 g), Silicon (3 g) and trace amounts fifteen other elements.
  18. When Heinz was younger, he performed magic tricks for the local kids. Heinz performed the pull-the-rabbit-out-of-the-hat trick, and instead of pulling out his rabbit companion, Bobo, he pulled out a skunk, which sprayed him. Next, he performed a card trick. A girl volunteered to pick one of Heinz’s cards, while he blindfolded himself. When Heinz uncovered his blindfold, he appeared to be holding the same skunk, who sprayed him again. Yet again, another trick went wrong, and while Heinz shouted for someone to help him get out of some chains, the skunk came along and sprayed him once more. 
  19. Date a bunch of people then stick them all in the friendzone and never talk about it again
  20. Come to a Pittiful News meeting. Please, dear god, we are so lonely. 
  21. Have your boyband adopt a troubled orphan named Y/N with a heart of gold and wavy brown hair from her abusive alcoholic mother.
  22. Leave the door to your shower stall open when you wash your hair in the dorm bathrooms
  23. Make a fake twitter account and dox yourself. Lots of people will come over to hang!
  24. Sit in the elevator for a few hours and ask people where they are headed 
  25. Join a sorority/frat and pay $3000/semester to develop imposter syndrome and body image issues. 
  26. OCxzDJK;HJLKAEWRFHJLKwfhjlkasfdhjlkasfdhjkl cult
  27. Tell your RA that you and your roommate are having an existential disagreement
  28. Whenever you find a person passed out drunk, sleep next to them. Automatic soul mates <3
  29. Walk the streets of South Oakland and ask passersby if they have a light 
  30. Eat them. Then you guys are forever connected.
  31. Join volleyball games on the Pete lawn, and spike the ball onto the roof. That’ll be cool.  
  32. Get really dressed up and go out to a quiet street at night. Stick your foot out to signal cars to come over to you. They will even offer you money for your company.  
  33. Wear a fascinator to go out and use the ATM
  34. Start singing Alexander Hamilton in the dining hall and see who joins in
  35. Do your math homework in the bathtub
  36. Challenge people to a duel, once you set a time and place, swap out the dueling portion with a friendly discussion about normal friend things, such as: favorite color, favorite shape, second favorite dinosaur, how to demolish capitalism, and most importantly favorite desserts. 
  37. Talk about your cats a lot. It will NOT make people uncomfortable if you speak about them like they are your biological children. Being a crazy cat person is cool i promise.(see Sikov, Tyler)
  38. Maybe try being likeable?
  39. Join a group therapy session 
  40. MagiKarp use drown, then save them, boom friends for life until you must betray the for they have stolen the love of your life, Maria
  41. Ask if they want to go penguin sledding 
  42. Anti-Antidisestablishmentarianism       
  43. Wave someone over to sit next to you in a crowded cafe. When they do sit, introduce yourself and engage in some small talk. Then, when things are going good, look them right in the eyes for just a second. Slowly open your mouth and scream at the top of your lungs.   
  44. Just kiss your Starbucks barista, or if you are the starbucks barista kiss clients until one of them kisses back    
  45. Fall in love in a hopeless place
  46. Listen to this article
  47. Go to a bar on saturday at 9 oclock, when the usual crowd shuffles in, be an old man sitting next to the piano just sipping on tonic and gin.
  48. Press the blue light emergency buttons you find around campus. They deploy a helpful security friend directly to your location! 
  49. Knock on your ra’s door at 2am to talk about how much you miss your mommy. 
  50. Ggrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgr 
  51. Yeah we should use the air ducts 

Kinda Urgent Message from Dean Bonner (Updated with the CDC guidelines that were hidden in a jungle temple for which the only known map was tattooed on Adam Levine and can only be deciphered when he is making snow angels)

By the writers of the Pittiful News; original email: corrections made in bold

Dear Pitt partial students, 

Really? Are you kidding me?

Over the past few days, I have been alerted by students, parents, my on-call masseuse, and community members that a large number of students are holding and attending parties without inviting me, wearing face coverings and without observing physical distancing guidelines. Frankly, I am shocked, appalled, gooped, gagged, and above all else, mortified. 

Let me be crystal fucking clear: Your behavior is threatening a successful fall term for me and my partner. Also, it’s upsetting me and my homegirl. If we do not fix this, I as well as my intimate, scaly lover, Chancellor Gallagher, better known as Gallagator, will not receive our yearly bonuses of $69,420.

The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, after only one week of classes, transitioned to an entirely remote plan for the semester when more than 170 students tested positive for COVID-19, like a bunch of weaklings. I know that we at Pitt are stronger than those students at North Carolina and so we simply will not get sick. Early reports indicate that off-campus house parties and parties hosted by fraternities and sororities played a significant role in spreading the virus. Last night, the University of Notre Dame immediately suspended in-person classes following a surge of 80 new cases of COVID-19, which were linked to being weak.  

Your actions have consequences. One of which would be getting closed down before Penn State does, which is humiliating. If you want to experience campus life as well as in-person classes this semester, then support the health and well-being of the members of our community with your actions. These actions include but are not limited to: do not drive with your windows down and cruise, do not teach anyone how to blow their whistle baby, do not sit in the pocket with your legs and your knees not knocking oh knocking, do not feel that this is the time to break free because you can not resist it no more, do not kiss me under the lamppost back on sixth street hearing me whisper through the foam wait for me to come home, and most importantly do not throw your hands up in the air sometimes singing ah oh baby let’s go do not celebrate and live your life singing ah oh baby let’s go.

Let me be completely fucking clear about the consequences, like translucently clear. Like you can see straight into the sixth dimension with how clear this shit is. Like fucking Mr. Clean x Windex remix clear: 

  •     When students and student organizations are reported for violating the Student Code of Conduct Health and Safety rules, interim housing suspensions and/or Persona 5 Non Grata (P5NG) restrictions will apply while a hearing is being conducted. P5NG status means the student is restricted from access to all University buildings and grounds, especially from the Eatery and other food poisoning services.  
  •     If a student hosts a super lame party and is found responsible for a violation, the student will be sanctioned to disciplinary spankings through the semester.
  •     If a student organization hosts a large party or event and is found responsible for a violation, the student will endure two straight hours of verbal abuse from one of our nursing majors, the organization will be sanctioned to interim suspension of registration depending on how cool it is, for no less than the remainder of the semester. If the organization is full of lame ass nerds, the suspension may be extended. 
  •     If a student living in a residence hall attends a large party then they are super fucking cool. Keep up the good work!
  •     If a student living off campus attends a large party, BBQ, picnic, orgy or potluck dinner and is found responsible for a violation, the student will be sanctioned to permanent Persona Non Fucking Grata (PNFG) status through the semester.
  • I am not afraid to commit war crimes against my own students to stay open longer than WVU. Hail to fucking Pitt. 

My expectations are clear as fucking day if the day was a diamond and was freshly polished with actual invisible camel saliva

  •     Do not hold or attend parties where physical distancing is not possible or where attendees are not following face covering requirements. You need to exercise. Seriously. You’re growing fat. 
    • Most of your shitty South Oakland apartments cannot safely hold more than 4-5 people while accounting for physical distancing of 6-feet between people. 
  •     Do not cough or sneeze directly into the orifices of people who are not part of your pod while you are sheltering in place.    
    •         If you are an off-campus student, your pod consists of the people you vibe with.
    •         If you are an on-campus student, you have been assigned your pod. And not like the juul. If we catch you with a juul pod we won’t hesistate to fucking kill you. 
  •     Wear face coverings such as paper bags when indoors and near others who are not in your pod because nobody wants to see your ugly ass face, dude.
  • Although we brought you all onto campus, Pitt has no liability when it comes to student or faculty deaths. You should have followed the fucking rules created by the genious mind of our Lord and Savior Gallagator.
  • You do not need to wear a face covering when within 6 feet of your enemies. If they are truly a worthy rival they simply will not get sick.
  • Due to the fact that alcohol may eliminate coronavirus within the body, dining halls will now be serving liquor to supply cool parties (no uncool parties allowed). The alcohol will not be covered by your mandated unlimited meal plans, but it is free for athletes and greek life members. 
  •     Wear face coverings when outdoors and when physical distancing is not always possible, as on a busy sidewalk or hiding in your neighbor’s closet
  • Wear face coverings during sex so it’s covid friendly, and experiment with positions that limit face to face contact. 2020 will be the year of glory holes, baby! Regularly sanitized plexiglass glory holes will be located behind the Cost Center, opening September 4th.
  • While sex is permissable, absolutely no kissing, snogging, or making out while on campus, except Amanda and Jackson from Tower A floor 3, I like to watch them Shift. Keep it up, you two.
  •     When in doubt, wear protection.
  •     Wear your face properly—it must cover your mouth, nose, eyes, and entire skull.
  •     Practice good hand hygiene and avoid touching high-touch surfaces with your hands or genitals. This includes other people’s genitals.
  • If you are not in possession of a mask, place a plastic bag over your head and tie it as tightly as possible. If you die, that’s natural selection. Sucks, better luck next time. You signed a contract.

These are reasonable and easy precautions to take during a pandemic, so hold onto your butts and keep others accountable. If you see Pitt-affiliates breaking these guidelines—students, faculty or staff—then stomp on their necks and spit in their mouths. It’s your responsibility to speak up and ensure they get coronavirus. 

A report about a COVID-related concern can be filed here or on the coronavirus.pitt.edu website. A conduct referral on a student violating Pitt’s guidelines can be filed here or the “Pubic Health and Safety Conduct Referral” form can be found on the home page for Student Affairs. The more information you can provide, the better able we are to hunt them down and kick them back to whatever backwater swamp they came from.

Since October 2019 when we knew the Coronavirus was a thing but hid it so we could keep you guys here to make money in the spring semester, we have all had the time to learn about this virus and adapt to our new pubic health environment. Now it is time to demonstrate that you understand this is serious bizniz, with serious consequences. As a great man said once, “when will you learn… when will you learn that your actions have consequences.” We have one chance, one opportunity to get this right. We better own it, we better never let it go.

So take care of business, start the semester wrong, do the panther roar, and mask the fuck up.

Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs;

(Signature edited for comedy. Original signature here)

Kenyon R. Boner, EdD

Vice Provost and King Shit 

Pubic Health and Safety Conduct Referral

This referral is strictly for snitches of the University community (i.e. losers, virgins, computer science majors, etc.) who believe a student’s behavior “Exhibits small dick energy or fails to comply with guidance set forth by me and my lover regarding pubic health and/or safety.”

Submit a Health and Safety Conduct Referral.

Casual Friday Horoscopes, as featured in Seventeen magazine

By the writers of the Pittiful News

Aries – You are a strong-willed person who always fights for want they want. Tomorrow you will encounter an opportunity for success. Take your chances and don’t give up.

 

Taurus – You have a strong appetite for close relationships. When you meet them tomorrow, give them a hug and check their pockets for the drugs. They may change your life.

 

Gemini – You’re finally coming out as a Gemini today. Don’t forget which shoe goes on which foot. We can spot a Gemini from about three miles away. Just focus on what’s ahead of you.

 

Cancer – You are one-third dummy, one-third whore, and one-third sucker, and tomorrow you will cry because someone reminds you of something that happened many years ago, and it will remind you of ‘the stairwell’ that you try to forget.

 

Leo – I really don’t understand why you’re looking at your horoscope because if I tell you that you’ll have a great day tomorrow and you get hit by a bus, I think that technically is grounds to sue me so take this with a grain of salt and have a great day.

 

Virgo – Repeat this mantra daily to experience life to its fullest: “Wake up in the mornin’. Feelin’ like P. Diddy. Grab my glasses. I’m out the door. I’m gonna hit the city.” Don’t forget to brush your teeth with a bottle of jack.

 

Libra – You can’t make a decision to save your life. You’re sweet but you’re… you’re nasty if someone crosses you… UHm- You can’t think. DO not think at all whatsoever. Fuck people. But don’t FUCK-fuck them?? Your planet is Venus or something. Meaning you’re very romantic and LOVE flirting. You are a peacekeeper and like order. #Words not fists #Kill with kindness

 

Scorpio – You are possessive over the things you like, this week you will begin mating with an optimum specimen, only to eat them at a later date.

 

Sagittarius – Things are looking up for you! It’s going to be just the right kind of night to dress up like a hipster and make fun of your ex. (DO NOT under any circumstances get back with your ex.) Do fun things, like eating breakfast at midnight and fallin in love with strangers. Everything’s gonna be alright :) Just keep dancing :)

 

Capricorn – You are resilient, this week your horns will grow nicely. Also this week, in math class your teacher, who sucks, will give you a pop quiz. It might be on the quadratic equation so just remember: “x equals opposite b plus or minus square root b squared minus 4 a c all over 2 a”.

 

Aquarius – You will meet a person who will be an amazing partner for you, they will be: sometimes low key, sometimes high key, sometimes comforting, sometimes indifferent, often contradictory. They will be standing on the corner of Forbes and Bigelow, they will be wearing yellow and holding a pink carnation, the password to make them fall in love with you is “if you do not come with me this instant, i will stab you”. They will get into your car and you will live happily ever after until you get a new horoscope telling you to see other people, Janice.

 

Pisces –  You will become the president of the United States of America, the first president to be precise. People might call you “Daddy”, but what they really mean is “Father (of the Nation)”, so don’t be alarmed. Embrace all the opportunities of this phase in your life.

 

Tax crimes I am committing this season

By Tyler Sikov

As we all know Tax Day is later this week, so I thought I would tell you how I evade taxes to help you out maneuver the IRS (I REALLY SUCK):

  1. Pretend you make no money, they will then pay you money, now you have double money
  2. Steal, like anything, if you steal it you don’t pay taxes on it
  3. Bribe a home inspector to evaluate your home very low so you have low property taxes
  4. Kidnap an IRS worker’s family, then they will be forced to allow you to not pay taxes because you now need money to take care of their family
  5. Murder
  6. “Move to Venezuela”
  7. Start a non-profit, then claim all money as income tax because 501c3 non-profits do not pay income taxes
  8. Claim other people’s kids as your dependents
  9. Anything from this list https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-utl/tax_crimes_handbook.pdf
  10. Juggle knives, you might be thinking that this will not work, but while the IRS is distracted by your juggling, they will not be making you pay taxes
  11. “Donate” all of your money to the non-profit you made earlier
  12. Short a bunch of stock and then sell them to harvest your losses, from their you will be able to deduct up to $3,000 per year from your income and deduct the rest of your losses from you recent capital gains
  13. Die
  14. Remove yourself from society to live in the woods with ocelots
  15. Fake your death
  16. Overthrow the government, this is just a good idea overall and it can help you pay less taxes
  17. Train for American ninja warrior and then literally dodge taxes
  18. Move to another country, like Scotland which has a lower tax percent
  19. Get a job at the IRS, that way you don’t have to pay taxes, you know the employee discount
  20. Fill out the paperwork wrong making them charge you far less than you actually owe