Your zodiac sign can say a lot about your personality, including what nasty holiday staple you resonate with.
Capricorn – Jello Salad: The dessert your grandma brings out and it just looks like jello but you cut it open and there’s vegetables and mayonnaise in it, but the lime green jello and the whipped cream kinda make it better.
Aquarius – SPAM Stuffing: You kinda don’t know what’s in it and it’s just a mess of everything your mom had leftover, but somehow always tastes pretty good anyways.
Pisces – Green Bean Casserole: You take some every year just because it’s there and you think you’ll want it, but you eat two bites and then eat everything else instead. Usually someone else offers you a scoop of it.
Aries – Cranberry Sauce *with Pulp*: It’s actually so good but nobody likes it, especially because it has actual cranberry chunks in it. Too tart to be dessert but too sweet to be dinner. Never fails to be at the table.
Taurus – Flake Mashed Potatoes: They come from a box instead of handmade. You wish you liked them but they just don’t feel right, but you can tolerate it with some gravy
Gemini – Mincemeat Pie: Is actually a dessert?? Sounds good but there’s BEEF in it! But sometimes there isn’t beef in it and it actually sounds kinda good.
Cancer – Eggnog: tasty but it’s more just like eggy spiced milk.
Leo – Kielbasa with Sauerkraut: Literally my favorite but nobody else likes it. Hard to find good kielbasa. Sauerkraut is good shut up. Leave me alone.
Virgo – Canned Corn: doesn’t really do anything wrong. Very reliable. But also it’s from a can in a pool of corn water. Kinda gross when you think about it, but I still love it.
Libra – Potatoes Au Gratin aka Scalloped Potatoes: Potatoes can’t do wrong, but they’re particularly slimy here. They just kinda do what they want. You can’t control them.
Scorpio – Fruit Cake: Sounds lovely. I think it would taste good but I have no clue because I’ve never had it. Candied fruit is good. I want to enjoy it.
Sagittarius – Corned Beef with Cabbage: actually nasty sorry. Just kinda random, like CORNED beef??? And cabbage? Why this combo and who decided it was a holiday staple. Just eat normal beef please. Spare us.
By Lord Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, and Sarah Yule
I recently noticed that the next post we make will be our 500th on the website. I thought that we should make this into a special occasion, so some writers have gotten together to come up with ideas for what to write. Email us at pittifulnews@gmail.com to tell us which of these you want to be our 500th post.
How to Live In Ikea
Your Spotify Wrapped: Kidz Bop Modified
Marie Kondo’s Guide To Covid. How To Purge The Virus
Top 500 Homoerotic Crosswalk Interactions
50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train, 10 times
A transcript of a Zoom recording of one of our meetings, tangents included
Stand-up Comedian Tier List
Sit-Down Comedian Tier List Because Ableism Sucks
Favorite Junior/School Edition Musicals
How many Dunkin’ coffees will I have to skip in order to afford a decent nose job in New York State?
I Lived as a Muppet For a Day: Here’s What I Learned
True life: my strange attraction to Vince Vaughn (specifically Fred Claus era Vince Vaughn)
Defective Cat For Sale: No Bark Just Bite
What Nasty Holiday Food You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign
How to write a group article
Where did my dad go?
My lust for Oscar the Grouch has the same limit as Cookie Monster’s lust for cookies, no limit
Why any of musical mastermind Dua Lipa’s songs could have sold very well as singles
How to cool down your pizza roll without biting off the corner and huffing like a little whore
How to huff like a little whore
Why Marley was the biggest villain of all the villains in Glee
I know too much about radula
I took a long winter break
Hufflepuff support group
My life as a Leo apologist
What to write about for your 500th article
A 7th article about being in a cult
Secondary uses for your cat
Mashed potatoes and other funny sounding foods
A day in the life of a Pittiful News Writer: Russian Prison escape edition
Upgrades to Pitt’s campus
What to write for our 1000th post
Imma go get a coffee
Imma commit voter fraud
Imma commit tax fraud
I assassinated the President of the United States
Flat Stanley spread the coronavirus (we have photograph proof)
It has come to my attention that this will be our 500th post. Welp, we’ll get ‘em next time.
Student Government Board: you got disillusioned with the american political system at way too young an age
Italian Club: not enough Buca di Bepo field trips
Jarjar kinks club: you’re not Tyler Sikov
Any a capella group: you watched Pitch Perfect and only enjoyed it a Normal Amount, okay? (and Pitch Perfect 2. And Pitch Perfect 3.)
Imagination project: you’re a disney adult that hates children and was only in it for the cosplay.
Club Sandwich: You ate it, and there was nothing left for the next week.
Student Organization Resource Center: You realized it was an office, not a club.
Chocolate Milk Club: the lactaid wasn’t provided
Any club sport: You were a JV junior who TOTALLY could’ve gone pro, if it weren’t for that career ending papercut. You decided club sports would take time away from your life of leisure and spikeball. Also, why do you feel the need to slap your friends on the ass when they score points? Why the ass-slapping?
Golf Club: They just gave you a golf club
Improv: you realized you still had a shot at having a social life.
Any christian club: you went to the first GBMs of 20 different ones and realized they’re all the same, so you decided to give up. Or you’re Tyler Sikov.
Blue and Gold Society: you’re colorblind
Greek life: not enough spray tan.
Anime club: they told me in the first meeting that Naruto wasn’t a real person :(
Quidditch: you’re a “oh I like harry potter” person, not a “i sleep in hufflepuff themed sheets” person.
Outdoors club: you’re agoraphobic
The Math Club: They gave you pizza the first time and then only gave out werther’s originals at future meetings
The Back to the Future Club: where you try to go back and, um, you know, um, with your mom, but then Biff shows up and um, tries to you know, um, but your dad stops him
Rick and Morty Club: he turns himself into a pickle, Morty. Funniest shit you’ve never seen.
Spanish Club: You don’t speak spanish
Cathy Club: You looked at yourself in the mirror and came to the depressing realization that no one will love you, ever.
Any theater club: you declined to join the giant orgy that they have after every performance
Business Club: You’re not a business student?
Film club: your knowledge of independent film studios doesn’t go beyond A24
French club: You DO speak french, you just have a terrible accent and they just immediately identify you as American and make fun of you
Turning Point USA club: You grew a brain cell.
Bird watching club: they did not plan on making watches for birds as advertised
Indie music club: You’re not a gatekeeper or a gaslighter. Or they gatekept you from becoming an official member and gaslighted you into believing you didn’t want to join.
Pitt Amnesty: You voted for Donald Trump
Pitt Amnesia: What club?
Shuffleboard Club: you’re under the age of 65
Any LGBT club: they told you simply wearing large earrings and/or being on alt tiktok doesn’t actually make you LGBT
Redeye Theater Project: not a bunch of stoners.
Pitt Men’s Glee club: When i told them i’m not gay they said “for now”
Gardening Club: You wanted to be a cottagecore ho but irl you can’t take care of a plant, or any other lifeform for that matter.
Olive Garden Club: we gott-a unlimited breadsticks, you must-a eat them all
Kenny BonBon’s Mani-pedi Mondays: You expected to unlock the truth of what on God’s green earth a “provost” is and why she keeps emailing us. You had no such luck.
Pitt Pole Dancing: You don’t have what it takes, which is a gorilla grip cooter. I do, though, lol.
Classical Civilization Club: they promised you Catullus 16, but what you really got was Catullus 101.
Geography Club: They don’t even listen to Maps by Maroon 5
Austrian Club: After leaving the previous club, you were disappointed to find out that this one didn’t wanna throw shrimps on the barbie
Panther Fly Fishing Club: who makes fishing rods that small?
Quiz Bowl: there was no halftime show
American Society of Highway Engineers: they said their way IS the highway
JUM PST ART: they did not actually plan to make much art
Pitt Celibacy Club: F me am I right
PGH Incel: You thought it stood for Intercollegiate Cellists. You were wrong, but you’ll never be the same.
Pitt ROTC: You thought it stood for Recreational Octogenarian Tag Championship
Model UN: You had the idiotic idea of trusting Sweden.
Pitt Crossfit: You don’t have what it takes to be on American Ninja Warrior
Pitt E-Sports: No one wears deodorant
Pitt Billiards Club: What nerd calls it billiards?
Anti-Maskers of Lower Campus: R.I.P. Gone, but not forgotten
Panther Central: You picked up the phone too early. Fired.
Pitt Emergency Club: You get kicked out of your dorm in the middle of Calculus homework because some idiot on the 4th floor pulled the fire alarm
Flex@Pitt: You thought you could learn a second language over Zoom, now you have a -0.37 GPA
Spoon Pittsburgh: You thought you might finally have some loving, human interaction. You left with a full stomach, but a hole in your heart.
Pitt Dance Marathon: Who hurt you?
Pitt Inquisitorial Squad: You thought you would at least get extra credit for being Gallagator’s personal spy, but you don’t even get a wand :(
The Pitt News: you can get PAID for being in a club? And it’s MINIMUM WAGE?
Pitt EMS: you thought it stood for Extreme Men’s Sports. It doesn’t.
Ice-Cream Sundays: You aren’t actually allowed to eat the ice cream
Pitt Philosophy: They started talking about Sigmund Freud
Pitt Ping Pong Team: It was just a scam in order to get enough funding to go to a really expensive restaurant.
Pitt Hikes: All they do is walk up and down cardiac hill.
PEN-Fifteen Club: they wrote it on your hand and suddenly you realized.
Jazz Club: it’s about the meetings you don’t go to.
Project Potter: You were the only person sorted into Ravenclaw and all they do are house activities so it’s just you awkwardly solving puzzles by yourself in a breakout room while the board members watch. This is not based on a true story.
Game Dev Club: You thought playing Nintendogs made you a gamer.
Pitt Musical Theater Club: *gay panic*
Musical appreciation club: How does a bastard orphan son of a whore and a scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the caribbean by providence impoverished in squalor grow up to run such a horrible club
USITT: u stand.
UPTV: They wouldn’t let you produce your idea for a reboot of the cult classic “the room”
Student alumni association: You weren’t an overachiever in high school that got rejected from Cornell and ended up at their safety.
PITTWAP: You didn’t realize that it stood for “we are panthers”
As is tradition, once a member of the Pittiful news graduates, we sacrifice them to the gods of satire to ensure we have a plentiful harvest at the next years activities fair. This year we sacrificed Sonya (Daddy) Acharya, our former Editor-in-Chief. The new president has told us that during Sonya’s time at this paper she was never paid, and all the other writers were told that it was to be kept secret. The rest of the writers were being paid because they are either white or male (Sonya was, as she said herself a “non-white” “non-male”). Sonya was most known for her controversial opinions on CATS: the musical, the movie, and the animal. She was also known for never understanding any pop culture references, the other writers had to introduce her to: Star Wars, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, the Idea of Musicals, The Office, Parks and Rec, Twilight, The Hunger Games, The Divergent series, The Giver series, SpongeBob, The idea of Videogames, and any other conceivable popular culture artifact. Despite her lack of pop culture knowledge, she has written many articles that contain pop culture references. She will not be missed, as the more talented the sacrifice, the better the harvest, we will get a plentiful harvest this year.
