Pitt says students should not travel to campus until further notice (updated to contain the information that was seized during our recent raid of the capitol)

By the writers of the Pittiful News: original article (updates made in bold)

The+Cathedral+of+Learning+watches+over+Schenley+Plaza.

Pitt students should not travel to campus yet for the upcoming spring semester due to COVID-19 certainty, Pitt’s COVID-19 Medical Response Office said in a Friday evening email. Classes are scheduled to begin when I feel like it, dammit, using the same Flex@Pitt teaching model that did not work in the fall.

“Based on the uncertainty of the prevalence of the virus after the holidays and the psychic reading we were given at the Forbes Ave CVS Express earlier this afternoon, none of the students should travel yet,” the office said. “We continue to recommend that you remain where you are currently sitting, because the floor is indeed lava.”

The office said the University will give students at least two hours notice before advising that students should travel to campus. Residence halls will open in a “chevron” pattern similar to the fibonacci sequence. The office added that the earliest it advises students to travel is the last week of Decembruary.

“All Pitt students — whether or not you live in this universe, let alone University housing — should not travel to the area prior to this time,” the office said, “even if you live in Oakland already. Stay out. This is no place for you youngins’.”

The University said it will release bees and more information next week on pre- and post-travel restrictions, recommended arrival dates, Rice Purity testing requirements and shelter-in-place guidance for all students.

Eric Macadangdang, the president of Student Government Board, said even though this move is “inconvenient” for students, it’s necessary due to rising COVID-19 numbers locally and nationally, and the University of Pittsburgh doesn’t give a shit if you little bastards don’t “do well outside of an in-classroom environment”. The University of Pittsburgh recorded more than 4,000 daily COVID-19 deaths for the first time Thursday, the highest single-day total since the pandemic began.

“Students are not very valid and are frustrated with not knowing when they can return to campus,” Smackmydangdang said. “But on the brighter side of things, we’re seeing numbers that are through the roof.”

Mack-a-lang-long-ding-dong added that since students will be arriving to campus after classes start but before professors start really teaching, he’s told Vice Provost and Dean of Students Kenyon Bonner and other senior University officials in meetings throughout this week that courses need to be flexible to reflect these “unprecedented and tough circumstances.” The way to test “course flexibility” has been determined by the board. If Kenyon Bonner can’t do it all in one semester then neither can you.

“I’ve made it clear in these discussions this week that, given that we’re definitely going to see students arrive to campus after classes start, we have to make sure that faculty and professors and teaching assistants are well equipped to fail everybody during this time,” Macadamia Nut Cookie said.

Chris Bonneau, the faculty government president, said it was clear to him as the fall semester was ending that the spring would begin online. He added that Flex@Pitt allows the University to not delay the start of the spring semester, as some wimpier universities have decided.

“We’re sexy and we know it,” Bonneau, the president of the University Senate, said. “I don’t think any student should be surprised by that, that we’re starting online, also I am the Senate

Bonneau added that Pitt is still in the process of determining how to bring students back to campus in the least safest possible manner, given soaring virus cases across the country and the limited amount of f***s Pitt gives. (F r o g s has been censored in the previous sentence as the PC police are banging down our doors right now)

“We’re trying to figure out how to repopulate the campus and do so in a way that’s safe, that doesn’t stress our health care capacity, that doesn’t stress our testing capacity, but incredibly stresses our students,” Bonneau said. “It’s a real problem trying to figure out how to do this. My best suggestion is another Roc orgy, that will not only repopulate the campus but can also repopulate the forests as panthers are endangered.

In response to a question about the spring announcement’s placement, which came from a bottom during his rote Friday evening romp about campus case numbers, Bonneau said he thought all communications from Pitt should be “as unclear as possible.”

“We shouwd be doing a few twings that we can to make sure students and every steakholder has the least necessary information, like where to get the best sushi in Oakland, where Gallagher’s ticklish spots are, and how we know when COVID is gonna get bad before it does,” Bonneau said. “Highlighting things like that upfront, personally I think are preferable. But I’m not a person… I don’t know the reasoning behind people, so I don’t want to speculate too much.”

To stay updated on this ever changing story visit one of these 2 websites https://thepittifulnews.com/

or https://thepittifulnews.com/

What Nasty Holiday Food You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign

By Savannah Teman

177 Completely WTF Stock Photos You Won't Be Able To Unsee | Bored Panda

Your zodiac sign can say a lot about your personality, including what nasty holiday staple you resonate with.

  • Capricorn – Jello Salad: The dessert your grandma brings out and it just looks like jello but you cut it open and there’s vegetables and mayonnaise in it, but the lime green jello and the whipped cream kinda make it better.
  • Aquarius – SPAM Stuffing: You kinda don’t know what’s in it and it’s just a mess of everything your mom had leftover, but somehow always tastes pretty good anyways.
  • Pisces – Green Bean Casserole: You take some every year just because it’s there and you think you’ll want it, but you eat two bites and then eat everything else instead. Usually someone else offers you a scoop of it.
  • Aries – Cranberry Sauce *with Pulp*: It’s actually so good but nobody likes it, especially because it has actual cranberry chunks in it. Too tart to be dessert but too sweet to be dinner. Never fails to be at the table.
  • Taurus – Flake Mashed Potatoes: They come from a box instead of handmade. You wish you liked them but they just don’t feel right, but you can tolerate it with some gravy
  • Gemini – Mincemeat Pie: Is actually a dessert?? Sounds good but there’s BEEF in it! But sometimes there isn’t beef in it and it actually sounds kinda good.
  • Cancer – Eggnog: tasty but it’s more just like eggy spiced milk.
  • Leo – Kielbasa with Sauerkraut: Literally my favorite but nobody else likes it. Hard to find good kielbasa. Sauerkraut is good shut up. Leave me alone.
  • Virgo – Canned Corn: doesn’t really do anything wrong. Very reliable. But also it’s from a can in a pool of corn water. Kinda gross when you think about it, but I still love it.
  • Libra – Potatoes Au Gratin aka Scalloped Potatoes: Potatoes can’t do wrong, but they’re particularly slimy here. They just kinda do what they want. You can’t control them.
  • Scorpio – Fruit Cake: Sounds lovely. I think it would taste good but I have no clue because I’ve never had it. Candied fruit is good. I want to enjoy it.
  • Sagittarius – Corned Beef with Cabbage: actually nasty sorry. Just kinda random, like CORNED beef??? And cabbage? Why this combo and who decided it was a holiday staple. Just eat normal beef please. Spare us.

What article should we write for our 500th post?

By Lord Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, and Sarah Yule

The Motley Fool UK » Confetti Background

I recently noticed that the next post we make will be our 500th on the website. I thought that we should make this into a special occasion, so some writers have gotten together to come up with ideas for what to write. Email us at pittifulnews@gmail.com to tell us which of these you want to be our 500th post.

  • How to Live In Ikea
  • Your Spotify Wrapped: Kidz Bop Modified
  • Marie Kondo’s Guide To Covid. How To Purge The Virus
  • Top 500 Homoerotic Crosswalk Interactions
  • 50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train, 10 times
  • A transcript of a Zoom recording of one of our meetings, tangents included 
  • Stand-up Comedian Tier List
  • Sit-Down Comedian Tier List Because Ableism Sucks
  • Favorite Junior/School Edition Musicals 
  • How many Dunkin’ coffees will I have to skip in order to afford a decent nose job in New York State?
  • I Lived as a Muppet For a Day: Here’s What I Learned
  • True life: my strange attraction to Vince Vaughn (specifically Fred Claus era Vince Vaughn)
  • Defective Cat For Sale: No Bark Just Bite 
  • What Nasty Holiday Food You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign
  • How to write a group article 
  • Where did my dad go?
  • My lust for Oscar the Grouch has the same limit as Cookie Monster’s lust for cookies, no limit  
  • Why any of musical mastermind Dua Lipa’s songs could have sold very well as singles 
  • How to cool down your pizza roll without biting off the corner and huffing like a little whore
  • How to huff like a little whore
  • Why Marley was the biggest villain of all the villains in Glee
  • I know too much about radula  
  • I took a long winter break
  • Hufflepuff support group 
  • My life as a Leo apologist
  • What to write about for your 500th article
  • A 7th article about being in a cult 
  • Secondary uses for your cat
  • Mashed potatoes and other funny sounding foods
  • A day in the life of a Pittiful News Writer: Russian Prison escape edition
  • Upgrades to Pitt’s campus 
  • What to write for our 1000th post 
  • Imma go get a coffee
  • Imma commit voter fraud
  • Imma commit tax fraud
  • I assassinated the President of the United States
  • Flat Stanley spread the coronavirus  (we have photograph proof)

It has come to my attention that this will be our 500th post. Welp, we’ll get ‘em next time.

What the club you quit after one GBM says about you

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

Student Government Board: you got disillusioned with the american political system at way too young an age

Italian Club: not enough Buca di Bepo field trips

Jarjar kinks club: you’re not Tyler Sikov

Any a capella group: you watched Pitch Perfect and only enjoyed it a Normal Amount, okay? (and Pitch Perfect 2. And Pitch Perfect 3.)

Imagination project: you’re a disney adult that hates children and was only in it for the cosplay. 

Club Sandwich: You ate it, and there was nothing left for the next week.

Student Organization Resource Center: You realized it was an office, not a club.

Chocolate Milk Club: the lactaid wasn’t provided

Any club sport: You were a JV junior who TOTALLY could’ve gone pro, if it weren’t for that career ending papercut.  You decided club sports would take time away from your life of leisure and spikeball.  Also, why do you feel the need to slap your friends on the ass when they score points? Why the ass-slapping?  

Golf Club: They just gave you a golf club

Improv: you realized you still had a shot at having a social life. 

Any christian club: you went to the first GBMs of 20 different ones and realized they’re all the same, so you decided to give up. Or you’re Tyler Sikov.

Blue and Gold Society: you’re colorblind 

Greek life: not enough spray tan. 

Anime club: they told me in the first meeting that Naruto wasn’t a real person :(

Quidditch: you’re a “oh I like harry potter” person, not a “i sleep in hufflepuff themed sheets” person. 

Outdoors club: you’re agoraphobic

The Math Club: They gave you pizza the first time and then only gave out werther’s originals at future meetings

The Back to the Future Club: where you try to go back and, um, you know, um, with your mom, but then Biff shows up and um, tries to you know, um, but your dad stops him

Rick and Morty Club: he turns himself into a pickle, Morty. Funniest shit you’ve never seen.

Spanish Club: You don’t speak spanish

Cathy Club: You looked at yourself in the mirror and came to the depressing realization that no one will love you, ever.

Any theater club: you declined to join the giant orgy that they have after every performance

Business Club: You’re not a business student?

Film club: your knowledge of independent film studios doesn’t go beyond A24

French club: You DO speak french, you just have a terrible accent and they just immediately identify you as American and make fun of you

Turning Point USA club: You grew a brain cell.

Bird watching club: they did not plan on making watches for birds as advertised 

Indie music club: You’re not a gatekeeper or a gaslighter. Or they gatekept you from becoming  an official member and gaslighted you into believing you didn’t want to join. 

Pitt Amnesty: You voted for Donald Trump

Pitt Amnesia: What club?

Shuffleboard Club: you’re under the age of 65

Any LGBT club: they told you simply wearing large earrings and/or being on alt tiktok doesn’t actually make you LGBT 

Redeye Theater Project: not a bunch of stoners.

Pitt Men’s Glee club: When i told them i’m not gay they said “for now”

Gardening Club: You wanted to be a cottagecore ho but irl you can’t take care of a plant, or any other lifeform for that matter.

Olive Garden Club: we gott-a unlimited breadsticks, you must-a eat them all

Kenny BonBon’s Mani-pedi Mondays: You expected to unlock the truth of what on God’s green earth a “provost” is and why she keeps emailing us. You had no such luck.

Pitt Pole Dancing: You don’t have what it takes, which is a gorilla grip cooter. I do, though, lol. 

Classical Civilization Club: they promised you Catullus 16, but what you really got was Catullus 101.

Geography Club: They don’t even listen to Maps by Maroon 5

Austrian Club: After leaving the previous club, you were disappointed to find out that this one didn’t wanna throw shrimps on the barbie

Panther Fly Fishing Club: who makes fishing rods that small?

Quiz Bowl: there was no halftime show 

American Society of Highway Engineers: they said their way IS the highway

JUM PST ART: they did not actually plan to make much art

Pitt Celibacy Club: F me am I right

PGH Incel: You thought it stood for Intercollegiate Cellists. You were wrong, but you’ll never be the same.

Pitt ROTC: You thought it stood for Recreational Octogenarian Tag Championship

Model UN: You had the idiotic idea of trusting Sweden.

Pitt Crossfit: You don’t have what it takes to be on American Ninja Warrior

Pitt E-Sports: No one wears deodorant

Pitt Billiards Club: What nerd calls it billiards? 

Anti-Maskers of Lower Campus: R.I.P. Gone, but not forgotten

Panther Central: You picked up the phone too early. Fired.

Pitt Emergency Club: You get kicked out of your dorm in the middle of Calculus homework because some idiot on the 4th floor pulled the fire alarm

Flex@Pitt: You thought you could learn a second language over Zoom, now you have a -0.37 GPA

Spoon Pittsburgh: You thought you might finally have some loving, human interaction. You left with a full stomach, but a hole in your heart.

Pitt Dance Marathon: Who hurt you? 

Pitt Inquisitorial Squad: You thought you would at least get extra credit for being Gallagator’s personal spy, but you don’t even get a wand :(

The Pitt News: you can get PAID for being in a club? And it’s MINIMUM WAGE?

Pitt EMS: you thought it stood for Extreme Men’s Sports. It doesn’t.

Ice-Cream Sundays: You aren’t actually allowed to eat the ice cream

Pitt Philosophy: They started talking about Sigmund Freud

Pitt Ping Pong Team: It was just a scam in order to get enough funding to go to a really expensive restaurant. 

Pitt Hikes: All they do is walk up and down cardiac hill.

PEN-Fifteen Club: they wrote it on your hand and suddenly you realized.

Jazz Club: it’s about the meetings you don’t go to.

Pitt Cthulhu Club: c̴̳̳̾̐t̶̰̐̏h̴͎̟̆͗̐̕ͅu̵͈͖͎̮͑͊͐l̷̝̓̍h̵̫͕̣̞̒͑̈́ṳ̷̑ ̷͇͂f̵̠̗͛̊͛̀’̸̜̔t̴̯͘ä̸̘̳͉̑̿ģ̵̪͉̍̂h̵̜͈̠̫͒̕n̷̪͝

Project Potter: You were the only person sorted into Ravenclaw and all they do are house activities so it’s just you awkwardly solving puzzles by yourself in a breakout room while the board members watch. This is not based on a true story. 

Game Dev Club: You thought playing Nintendogs made you a gamer.

Pitt Musical Theater Club: *gay panic*

Musical appreciation club: How does a bastard orphan son of a whore and a scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the caribbean by providence impoverished in squalor grow up to run such a horrible club

USITT: u stand.

UPTV: They wouldn’t let you produce your idea for a reboot of the cult classic “the room”

Student alumni association: You weren’t an overachiever in high school that got rejected from Cornell and ended up at their safety. 

PITTWAP: You didn’t realize that it stood for “we are panthers” 

Pittiful News: you read any of our articles.

Obituary for Sonya Acharya

by Tyler Sikov, the new President

As is tradition, once a member of the Pittiful news graduates, we sacrifice them to the gods of satire to ensure we have a plentiful harvest at the next years activities fair. This year we sacrificed Sonya (Daddy) Acharya, our former Editor-in-Chief. The new president has told us that during Sonya’s time at this paper she was never paid, and all the other writers were told that it was to be kept secret. The rest of the writers were being paid because they are either white or male (Sonya was, as she said herself a “non-white” “non-male”). Sonya was most known for her controversial opinions on CATS: the musical, the movie, and the animal. She was also known for never understanding any pop culture references, the other writers had to introduce her to: Star Wars, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, the Idea of Musicals, The Office, Parks and Rec, Twilight, The Hunger Games, The Divergent series, The Giver series, SpongeBob, The idea of Videogames, and any other conceivable popular culture artifact. Despite her lack of pop culture knowledge, she has written many articles that contain pop culture references. She will not be missed, as the more talented the sacrifice, the better the harvest, we will get a plentiful harvest this year.

 

Top 10 Absurd Clubs that You Won’t Believe Pitt Has (#5 is Actually Real!)

By Blair Kriz

clubs

  1. Penn Staters Anonymous – a support group for people who are bullied for wearing Penn State apparel
  2. Pitt Meme Club
  3. Cult Film Club – screens classics such as the Greek spy film Oedipussy
  4. Patrick Gallagher fan club
  5. Keep South Oakland Beautiful Society (of course this one isn’t real, how the hell did you fall for that?)
  6. Competitive Mario Party Team
  7. The Pitt News
  8. Society of Students who Unsuccessfully Boycotted Chick-Fil-A
  9. North Korean Student Association
  10. The Pittiful News