I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.
I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.
I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”.
Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was firstname.lastname@example.org), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in
So as all of you lovely scum of the earth people who read my articles know, I am a cult expert. You may also know that The Pittiful News is a cult, if you did not know that, read my article about that very topic. Since I have made it clear that I am knowledgeable about being in a cult and have been open about being in many cults, I decided I would give all of you a quiz. Below I have put a list of things that are real things that have happened to me during a cultic encounter, others are fake scenarios of something that could happen in a cult, and the rest will be non-cult related activities real or fake.
1. Snapped on someone’s hands, then had them snap on mine, then we both rubbed out hands together and blew on each other.
2. Sat around a table while chanting a monotonous tune that has been ingrained in my head for my entire life, then an object is presented and is subsequently lit on fire, I am then made to stab this object only seconds after it has been extinguished, the group then all joyously eat this sacrifice.
3. I was forced to skin an animal with my bare hands and then wear its skin for weekly rituals.
4. I was blindfolded and taken by force. Once I awoke, I was surrounded by many familiar faces. I had been seeing a lot of these men for a while. They always referred to me as ‘brother’ then they had me drink a chalice of their blood. I questioned the safety of this activity and was smacked with a wooden object that had indents no bigger than ping pong balls. That is the last thing I remember before I woke up in my room wearing a red robe drenched in my blood as well as theirs.
5. I was forced to tattoo a series of symbols on my skin. Even weirder, these symbols glowed. When I touched them, they made me faster, stronger, and more agile. The others with similar markings told me that I must use these gifts to fight anyone with demon blood.
6. One time when I went to the supermarket these people approached me and pretended to be from the musical “Book of Mormon”. It was weird, they were not even that good at singing. I have seen that show multiple times and they did not know the script very well.
7. I was wandering through the forest and I noticed many animals standing around in a circle. As I got closer, they did not seem to mind, which is normal as I am a vegan so animals trust that I mean them no harm. I noticed that their eyes were glowing purple. I then heard a voice in my head saying it was the deer standing in the circle. I listened and discovered that this was a group of ancient animals with powers. To force me to not reveal their secret the made me believe it was all a dream, but I know it was real, oh no, a deer, no, noooooo, ahhhhhhhh,
To find the answers, find the wish fish. He is hidden in a sock at the bottom of a great lake. He holds the answers you seek.
Like most people, I had high hopes for the new year. If 2020 bad, 2021 good, right? It’s the natural conclusion to draw. So on my socially distanced new years eve get together, when the clock struck midnight, my guests and I immediately ripped off our masks and kissed each other on the mouth. Covid was over, we had made it; or so I thought.
About a week later, I got a call from a friend of mine who had caught covid. At first I thought I was being pranked. I mean, covid? In 2021? Impossible! But it was true, as I soon discovered after testing positive myself. Apparently we couldn’t just casually kiss our friends again yet. And this, I was willing to accept. Maybe I had gotten it wrong, maybe January 1st wasn’t the day everything was going to change. Because on January 1st, the orange man was still president. So I turned my hope towards the inauguration. Once America’s top girlboss Kamala and sweet innocent ex-racist Joe were in office, covid would surely go running for the hills.
Imagine how shocked I was to find out that on Joe’s first day as president, thousands of people still managed to contract the virus. Unbelievable. I was heartbroken. I had voted, yelled at my friends on facebook, reposted cute instagram infographics to get this man into office, and he couldn’t even do me the solid of ending this suffering? I had plans to go see the music man revival on broadway in february. The one with Sutton Foster!
After about a week of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to do something about it. I focused on what I could control in a situation that felt uncontrollable. And what I could control was my ability to use my parent’s connections to acquire citizenship in Australia. Now, covid seems like a silly thing of the past. And it goes to show you the value of working with what you’ve got in order to overcome insurmountable obstacles.
So my message for those of you feeling hopeless or depressed about this deadly virus is to simply don’t. Depression is nothing but a mindset, something holding you back from achieving your true potential. Anyways, I’ve got plans to go clubbing. Yeah, that’s right, clubbing. Jealous? I would be too. But stay strong, it’s honestly not that bad as everyone is making it out to be. Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you all. It was hard for me to be this open and vulnerable, but I hope I’ve inspired you all to follow in my footsteps, and become the change you wish to see in the world.
Contact tracers again… apparently I was “exposed” to “someone” with “COVID”. Not falling for that shit. How do they know my friend who recently tested positive? He must have put them up to this.
Bird Watches. Watches for birds.
Offers to sell me back my own liver at a markup.
The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. Remember to run in a straight line,and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
1-800-588, 2300, EMPIIIIIIRE
Presidential Alert System: THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed.
Are you afraid of the concept of cats with swords for limbs? If so, please press 1.
Jehovah’s witnesses CALL now! I was so very pleasantly surprised that Covid safety was being held at such a high priority.
“I’m helping to conduct a survey. Would you mind answering a few questions? Yes? Great! First, am I gonna die?”
Your computer has a virus, and only I can cure it– for a low, low price of 500 dollars US exclusively in Apple Store gift cards.
We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“Hello, this is the pole lickers fan club, may we speak to Lord Tyler”, “This is he”, “We are huge fans of your work, can you come lick some poles near us”, “I can lick street poles, people from Poland, or any of your local polling places” “All of the above please”
“If you like piña coladas, and gettin’ caught in the rain”
Some dweeb keeps calling me and saying he works for the “IRS” and I’m being “audited.” What does that even mean, Idiot Rescue Services? If you fall for a scam like that you’re really just bringing it upon yourself.
Dear Gabriella, you have been randomly selected to participate in a student satisfaction Web survey of undergraduate students at the University of Pittsburgh. As a token of our appreciation for your efforts, we will enter you into a drawing for one of four iPad minis. The winners will be chosen after the survey is completed. By participating in this survey, you can let the University know what you think about your educational experiences and the quality of campus life. This will provide us with valuable insight as to how to improve services for present and future students.
My name isn’t Gabriella.
“Would you be interested in donating your legs, toes and/or other body parts to children in need?” -a call from a guy who sounded suspiciously like the Winklevoss twins from The Social Network.
Hello my name is David and I am looking for a friend. Will you be my friend? Please?
“Do you find yourself struggling to finish your homework and find motivation for your online classes? Lmao, same”
Sometimes I get random ones in chinese but I don’t know any chinese (just imagine I wrote this in chinese).
Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture.
Hello this is a hitman agency. We will take out Tyler Sikov for free, if you so desire.
“Hey, this is your boss calling, again. You still haven’t come in and it’s been five days. If you skip work again so you can spend more time on Reddit, we are gonna fire you.”
01785 276126, they called me to tell me I had died.
Affirmative. The target is in sight.
Hello, it’s me, I’ve been wondering if, after all of these years, you’d like to meet, to go over everything, they say time heals you but I haven’t done much healing.
Hey girlboss! Are you tired of your 9-5? Do you wanna create your own schedule on your own terms? Well, I can show you how by selling tacky leggings! It’s so simple and easy and definitely financially sound.
A very nice man from Nigeria asked me to wire him some dollars US.
Gently used and refurbished casket salesman. You wouldn’t think that would be a booming industry, but apparently a lot of folks opt for cremation at the last second.
Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS, and I’m new in town.
Baby shoes for sale. Never worn, but they could be soon! What size are your baby’s feet?
HI NUMBER NEIGHBOR!!!! MY NAME IS— *click*
Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας.
Hello, how are you? Have you been alright through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights?
Hey! How you feelin’? Are you still the same? Don’t you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream? I just can’t believe they’ve all faded out of view. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh.
Hot Singles In My Area??? Yes Please!
Excuse me yes hello I am looking for an companion would you be interested in having a sugar daddy?
Jolene? Jolene. Jolene! Jolene! I’m begging of you please don’t take my man.
Hey what’s up you guys? Yes! Welcome back to my channel. Today’s video is sponsored by naturebox. Naturebox is—
Hot dog, fall out of bun, into sewer drain
“Hello, is this the esteemed Lord Tyler” “Yes, yes this is”, “Hello, we found that you are entitled to a stake in the queen’s fortune when she dies.” “Oh yes, that makes sense as I am a lord.”, “We already have your bank routing number, we will send you the money once she passes.” “Thank you.”, “Oh, one more thing, we’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty–”
“Yes I like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain…”
“I’m the Viper, I have come to Vipe your vindows”
I got this one at 2 am, a cold caller at that hour
“Hello, Lord Tyler, this is your ex-husband’s divorce attorney, Max Smith esq., we have reason to believe that you have murdered your ex, we understand that he sucked, I mean the only reason we kept him around was for the money, so I don’t blame you, but, your child support is still due for the 17 deer he purchased and convinced the Supreme Court of the United States are legally his biological children.
“Hi sweetie, this is your grandmother.” “Shut up you old hag, stop calling me!”
This was not a telemarketer, I just hate my grandmother
It has been more than 6 months since I came back from the Orlando Pride Parade. I wrote an article about my adventures there if you would like to know more. Since my return I have been feeling a bit out of place. I feel like I am not truly me. I did some research online and I discovered I am without a doubt a homo. At this point I am a closeted homo because I am worried what my family will do if they find out. They are not the most accepting, they believe themselves above everyone and hardly ever offer words of encouragement for those less fortunate.
I know that they will not react well to me being a homo, but I will have to tell them at some point. I love them and they have their own way to show their love for me. For some context I have a mom, a dad, 2 brothers, and a sister. My sister is rather shy and could be called a chicken so I know she will take whichever side has the most people on it. After a while she will accept me because I always comfort her whenever there are big loud noises. My brother that is 2 years older than me will probably try to find a way to convince me I am wrong, probably telling me I just need to have a drink, take a bath, or eat some greens and then throw up to feel cleansed. If I can convince him that this is the way I am he will try to find a solution, a way to turn me back. But after a while he will come to his senses and will let me live the way I was meant to. My other brother, with his ginger hair, is much more understanding. I will convince him with my first confession. He has assured me that he will love me no matter what, especially because I help clean up after him and I help with his chores. He is also the sibling that spends the most time in my room, he may even spend more time in there than I do.
My parents will be a different story. I discovered a few years ago that I was adopted. But so were all of my siblings. My parents could not have children so they adopted four. A ginger boy, a raven black haired girl, a hazel eyed boy, and then me. They adopted me without knowing that I would turn out to be a glasses wearing homo. Some people will say that I look a bit like my father, and while I see it, I am the odd ball out of the family.
I must say, it clicks, like it all clicks. This explain why I always dress different than the rest of my family. Me being a homo is why I am a much neater eater. The rest of my family are rather animalistic when they eat. I have a vastly different cleaning system and schedule, I am no where near as flexible as the rest of my family, and I am the only one capable of opening most jars in our house.
I will just have to come out and say it.
I will have to come out of my closet, another thing that I have that my family does not.
I am a homo.
I am a homosapien.
My family are all cats, I am a homosapien, and I don’t know where to go from here.
Dean Bonner will unhinge his jaw like a snake and eat Provost Ann Eggbert Cudd.
J.K. Rowling will announce that Hogwarts was based off of The University of Pittsburgh.
I will eat another cactus.
I will kill another cactus.
I will expand my parameters on Tinder. Age? Location? Gender? We’ll see.
TikTok will sponsor the entire Pitt Theater Department.
My parents will love me.
The Power of Pitt signs will stay safe and unmolested for the entire year.
Roc will find love and retire to start a family.
I’ll find a new use for my now-empty under-the-bed wine cellar (it’s a storage tote).
I will be able to successfully count all the dots on my ceiling.
I might actually wear that dress I bought before COVID.
Mr. Sir His Highness Dean Bonner will continue to go on his “safety walks” and “gather feedback” from “students”. I bet half of the people he’s talking to don’t even go here!
Drop the names, Kenyon!!!!
That one spot on Forbes will continue to smell absolutely rancid.
Upperclassmen may not be able to make rent due to the lack of freshmen partying.
Your Tinder date will go badly.
90% of freshmen will get overcharged for weed.
You will save up your dining dollars only to be sent home in two months and never be able to use them again.
Eric will be paid generously for his hard work here at the Pittiful News.
It will turn out that your college experience was merely a very long dream you had during a coma you went in during high school– all of that knowledge you have accumulated is literally just dreamy nonsense.
I will be happy, finally. Right guys? Right?
The panther statue will become a COVID superspreader.
My illegal hamster will join the Cathy Club.
Maybe I’ll learn how to cook.
I will fall asleep in the arms of my beloved. (This could be difficult as I buried them two months ago after I successfully became a widower.)
Tyler will learn to spell words with two or more syllables.
It is Lord Tyler to you.
My third album will go platinum.
It had Kelly Clarkson.
We will live underwater.
Your great great great granddaughter is doing fine.
Lord Tyler will fake his own death anywhere from 6 to 30 more times.
I will dye my hair red in a 3AM caffeine-induced panic attack and cover it up by claiming someone was murdered in my shower.
Flex at Pitt becomes the name of Pitt’s new Department of Yoga Studies.
Flex at Pitt will become rigid.
I will spend all of my money at Dunkin’ after promising not to.
I will continue to lie, cheat, and steal my way through online classes. Sike haha don’t show the department boards this.
The COVID vaccine will have the unexpected side effect of herpes.
I will download Dark Zoom for my illegal, bad boy classes.
President Biden will abdicate his throne to the My Pillow Guy.
Groundhog Day will be cancelled due to lack of people caring.
Groundhog Day (1993) (film) will be cancelled because of some super scandalous goings-on with Tom Hanks and Bill Murray.
I will have to take a tinkie winkie or a stinkie winkie and I will do it in my sinkie winkie.
Another COVID vaccine will come out and be like downloading knowledge from the Matrix.
I will send Ann E. Cudd’s emails to spam. Cutting out toxic people in 2021.
Same problem, different pandemic. Once the masks go by the wayside, condoms will follow suit. Patient zero? Roc the Panther.
Amazon will dominate.
The Perch employees will get mad at me and I will cry.
I will cry more often, and my tears will be far more powerful.
I will find you.
The “es hora de comer” guy will admit to four counts of homicide and subsequent cannibalism.
Pitt will finally open up their definition of clubs to include cults and sketchy religious organizations.
The alt kids will start unironically wearing JoJo Siwa merch around campus.
Even in a global pandemic, the members of the Cathy Club will increase tenfold. Do not underestimate the power of horny freshmen.
Dean Bonner will send out an email proclaiming that he is “very disappointed in us”.
The Pittiful News will parody said email.
I will finally get the spoon I lent to a friend back.
This club’s name will change.
I will finally get up the courage to come out as pro-beastiality so I can ask out my crush, Galligator.
Miraculous LadyBug season 4 will come out.
People, places, and things will happen.
Roc will star in a porno for meth money. It will be his Roc bottom.
Aptly entitled “Roc’s Bottom”.
Maybe I’ll pay the dues (just maybe).
I will burn out halfway through and abandon all of my commitments and blame it on Zoom. Again.
I will finally get the bagels on a stick that Tbo promised me back when iCarly was on the air.
Forty leprechaun-sized men will hijack the Cathedral of Learning and fly it to the moon.
I’ll spend a tuition’s worth of money at the Forbes Chipotle– if they can get orders ready fast enough.
I will hide away the spoon I “borrowed” from a friend so they never find out I used it to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The sixth Jonas Brother will be revealed.
The Czechoslovak Nationality Room will be replaced by the E-Girl Room.
The Pittiful News will change their name. (again)
A group of friends, in some Pitt dorm, somewhere will pledge to start a podcast that nobody will listen to.
The fifth Jonas Brother will succumb to the same STD as Roc did.
People will finally start listening to my podcast.
Pitt students should not travel to campus yet for the upcoming spring semester due to COVID-19 certainty, Pitt’s COVID-19 Medical Response Office said in a Friday evening email. Classes are scheduled to begin when I feel like it, dammit, using the same Flex@Pitt teaching model that did not work in the fall.
“Based on the uncertainty of the prevalence of the virus after the holidays and the psychic reading we were given at the Forbes Ave CVS Express earlier this afternoon, none of the students should travel yet,” the office said. “We continue to recommend that you remain where you are currently sitting, because the floor is indeed lava.”
The office said the University will give students at least two hours notice before advising that students should travel to campus. Residence halls will open in a “chevron” pattern similar to thefibonacci sequence. The office added that the earliest it advises students to travel is the last week of Decembruary.
“All Pitt students — whether or not you live in this universe, let alone University housing — should not travel to the area prior to this time,” the office said, “even if you live in Oakland already. Stay out. This is no place for you youngins’.”
The University said it will release bees and more information next week on pre- and post-travel restrictions, recommended arrival dates, Rice Purity testing requirements and shelter-in-place guidance for all students.
Eric Macadangdang, the president of Student Government Board, said even though this move is “inconvenient” for students, it’s necessary due to rising COVID-19 numbers locally and nationally, and the University of Pittsburgh doesn’t give a shit if you little bastards don’t “do well outside of an in-classroom environment”. The University of Pittsburgh recorded more than 4,000 daily COVID-19 deaths for the first time Thursday, the highest single-day total since the pandemic began.
“Students are not very valid and are frustrated with not knowing when they can return to campus,” Smackmydangdang said. “But on the brighter side of things, we’re seeing numbers that are through the roof.”
Mack-a-lang-long-ding-dong added that since students will be arriving to campus after classes start but before professors start really teaching, he’s told Vice Provost and Dean of Students Kenyon Bonner and other senior University officials in meetings throughout this week that courses need to be flexible to reflect these “unprecedented and tough circumstances.” The way to test “course flexibility” has been determined by the board. If Kenyon Bonner can’t do it all in one semester then neither can you.
“I’ve made it clear in these discussions this week that, given that we’re definitely going to see students arrive to campus after classes start, we have to make sure that faculty and professors and teaching assistants are well equipped to fail everybody during this time,” Macadamia Nut Cookie said.
Chris Bonneau, the faculty government president, said it was clear to him as the fall semester was ending that the spring would begin online. He added that Flex@Pitt allows the University to not delay the start of the spring semester, as some wimpier universities have decided.
“We’re sexy and we know it,” Bonneau, the president of the University Senate, said. “I don’t think any student should be surprised by that, that we’re starting online, also I am the Senate”
Bonneau added that Pitt is still in the process of determining how to bring students back to campus in the least safest possible manner, given soaring virus cases across the country and the limited amount of f***s Pitt gives. (F r o g s has been censored in the previous sentence as the PC police are banging down our doors right now)
“We’re trying to figure out how to repopulate the campus and do so in a way that’s safe, that doesn’t stress our health care capacity, that doesn’t stress our testing capacity, but incredibly stresses our students,” Bonneau said. “It’s a real problem trying to figure out how to do this. My best suggestion is another Roc orgy, that will not only repopulate the campus but can also repopulate the forests as panthers are endangered.”
In response to a question about the spring announcement’s placement, which came from a bottom during his rote Friday evening romp about campus case numbers, Bonneau said he thought all communications from Pitt should be “as unclear as possible.”
“We shouwd be doing a few twings that we can to make sure students and every steakholder has the least necessary information, like where to get the best sushi in Oakland, where Gallagher’s ticklish spots are, and how we know when COVID is gonna get bad before it does,” Bonneau said. “Highlighting things like that upfront, personally I think are preferable. But I’m not a person… I don’t know the reasoning behind people, so I don’t want to speculate too much.”