I stole my neighbor’s lawn ornaments

By Tyler Sikov

               I have once again gotten myself into a pickle, not literally this time. My neighbors wanted to test out their new security system, so they asked me to steal some of their lawn ornaments. I was on board immediately and began planning my expert heist. I arrive at their house (like a minute after I leave my house, you know neighbors and all) and I set my sights on my targets, the ornaments.

               There is an assortment of ornaments. There is a peacock where the tail and body spin independently of each other. There is one that is topped with an orb, that I am certain is just a wizard staff half buried in the ground. There is a very rusted sun flower. The last one is a stained-glass picture of 2 butterflies on a stick.

               I look for defenses and more importantly flaws in the defenses. I do not notice anything stopping me from stealing the ornaments. So, I walk up and pick the orb and peacock up. I walk back to my house and hide them in my garage. I go back and get the other 2 ornaments and hide them in my garage. As with all crimes I commit, I desire recognition so I go back to the scene of the crime and contemplate stealing their potted plants but decide against it.

               A few hours later my neighbors asked where their lawn ornaments went. I informed them that I stole them as they had requested to which they replied that they had not yet installed their new security system and had been at a funeral while I was stealing their ornaments. They asked me to return them but I said no because I put some effort into planning my heist. I was planning on doing a number of flips and rolls through the laser field I pictured. I brought multiple bandanas which I planned to use as weapons. Most importantly I had a getaway driver which I never used, now I have to apologize to my mom for not using her help in yet another criminal act. I will keep you, my readers, up to date on my escapades in nefarious activities.

What’s on Sutherland’s Mysterious 9th Floor?

By Isaac Przybysz

During my freshman year, I was wandering the halls of my native Sutherland and found something odd in the stairwell: a locked door at the end of a set of stairs going up from floor 8. “But how?” I thought. “The building only has 8 floors, that we know of.” So I decided to sneak find an alternative entrance up to the floor and here’s what I found:

  • State secrets
  • Science experiments
  • A parking lot
  • A swimming pool
  • The genetic code for clones of more pre-med students from outside Philly
  • Patrick Gallagher’s heating lamp
  • An elevator to hell
  • The end of the song “American Pie”
  • A secret stash of Natty Light
  • A Mario pipe, probably also to hell
  • All the Starship robots
  • Your grandparents’ tapes from when Pitt football was good
  • The ‘butthole cut’ of Cats
  • The Port Authority bus that fell in a sinkhole last year
  • The Plague Inc controller for COVID
  • Yoshi’s tax returns
  • All the unmatched socks lost in the dryers
  • A rabbit hole to Wonderland
  • The Chevron steps
  • Sodexo
  • The O (RIP) 

The fruits of your labor

By Eric Brinling

Ripe Fruit: How To Know When Produce Is Ready To Eat

You wake up. It was all a dream. The coronavirus, the Trump presidency, the imminent environmental apocalypse, all of it. You sit up and rub your eyes, which are grapes. Your fingers are plump little bananas. It’s another fruity spring day of your freshfruit year at the University of Cherry Pitsburgh. 

    You check the clementime on your phoneydew. It’s late. You jump out of bedfruit and go to brush your teeth (which are snowberries) with jelly, or whatever the toothpaste equivalent is in your fruit-themed world. You’re meeting up with your old fruit school friend Jackfruit for the first clementime this semester, and you don’t want to be late. Finally, someone to wine to about how depressed (as in a wine press) and lonely you feel. 

    You head to the lawn below the Cathedral of Pearning and wait on a bench plum for your friend. To your annoyance, you have to wait for several persimminutes before Jackfruit arrives. Finally, you see him walking past the Thomas E. Star-Fruit statue. 

    “Hey Jackfruit, how’s it hanging?” you ask politely in the customary way that fruits greet each other.

    “Grape!” he says, more enthusiastically than you had hoped. You had expected him to have a similar calabur of general meloncholy to yours. His fruity play on the word ‘great’ took you by surprise, and not in a good way.

    “Why’s that?” you ask, your voice close to betraying your cavendisinterest.

    “I went on a date!” says Jackfruit, his pearly snowberries showing a wide, banana-shaped smile.

    “With who?”

    “Do you remember Melonie?”

    Of course, you remember Melonie. In your despearate attempts to find friendly fruits last semester you went to some lemon’s party at Carnegie Melon. There you met Melonie, whom you introduced to Jackfruit. You thought you had a fine fruitship with her, but your cornuspondence* had grown berry slow of late. Now, you suppose, you know why.

    But you just say, “Yes.”

    “Well,” says Jackfruit, “we’ve been hanging out (as fruits do) for a while now and I think we make a really good pear.”

    “Good to pear,” you say after a short pawpause.

    “What?”

    “Pear, you know, like hear. Maybe it’s better when read in text than when spoken aloud,” you hope that to be the case, but you also know it might have just been a bad joke. But it was easy. Low hanging fruit, so to speak. 

    “Ah okay. Well, I have to prune off, I’m afraid. Melonie will be raisin hell if I don’t get to lunch to watch her eat her fruit salad.”

    “No, yeah, that’s fine. I have to call my cran-ma and grand-papaya anyways,” you lie, having no intention to call your elderberries. 

    You watch the mango. You know in the peach pit of your stomach that this is the last clementime you’ll see him for a long while. You wish you would have said, “Orange you glad I introduced you two?” or “Please hang out with me more, Jackfruit, I’m cripplingly lonely,” but your wit was not quick enough. 

    You sigh and reflect on it all. You started the day with two friends, or so you thought, and ended with zero. Maybe you should’ve never introduced Melonie and Jackfruit. Maybe you should’ve just tried harder. You really did give it your best, but it seems that others have harvested the fruits of your labor. And what are you left with when it’s all said and done? Kumsquat!

*Important note: this is not, in fact a pun on the word ‘corn’ but rather a pun on the word ‘cornus’, a genus of fruit-bearing trees. Corn is not a fruit, so that wouldn’t work. Now that I’ve explained the joke, it’s hilarious, right?

A Message from Dean Bonner (updated to contain information we obtained by answering the sphinx’s 69 riddles)

By the writers of the Pittiful News;original email: corrections made in bold

Dear my little sources of income– I mean– Pitt students,

Today, the University (and by university I mean me, like who else is sending these emails?) announced that the Pittsburgh campus plans to move out but still see the kids on weekends from the Elevator Risk to the Gwuarded Wrist Posture, on Monday, Oct. 34, assuming that there are no significant changes in weather conditions. It’s Pittsburgh. In October. Say goodbye to the sun for a while, seriously. Moving to the Guardians of The Galaxy Risk Posture offers us new flexibility, (in more ways than one-we can do the splits now!) and it is the direct result of irresponsible little shits’ behavior and compliance with health and safety guidelines. You have earned this by working together as a community! I’m talking to you, freshman who gather at Flagstaff in groups of 100+ every weekend, this is because of you! I feel even less bad this year for retroactively raising your tuition by $30K. Hell may be hot, but I love a tropical climate. 

What will this change mean for you and your body?

(For more guidance, please reference that American Girl Doll puberty book, available at Hillman Library) 

Please note that these changes do NOT begin until Monday, Oct. 34.  Gwuarded uwu Risk also does not mean that we are returning to a pre-pandemic way of operating and physically, mentally, or sexually engaging with each other (exceptions may be made sexually). We’re still not back to normal, I don’t think I can ever feel normal again. Especially not after the bad trip I had last night with the Provost. I also want to emphasize that you will still need to wear your Axe body spray, follow physical lifting guidelines and practice good genital hygiene. Stay sexy, you dirty dogs!

  •     Instructors may begin to offer more parts of themselves to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Fall in love with someone who doesn’t care, lose themselves in the moment as well as in-person instruction in most classes. Students still have the choice to attend class remotely if they prefer to watch soft porn in bed while having “technical difficulties.” Watch for more communication from your instructors about specific changes to sexual satisfaction.
  •     We will offer bone-in options at select on-cam-pussy boning centers, with limited glory holes and specific health and safety guidelines. Please pay attention to and personally thank all signage in the boning facilities. Additional details will be provided whenever I goddamn please, fuckhead.
  •     Students should continue to be held in my warm, loving arms. However, student organizations will be eligible to host in-cahoots events, with a limited number of nerds and if their club is cool (greek life people if ur reading this can I come to the next party? lol). Students will still be required to wear proper undergarments, physically distance and practice good handjobs at these events.
  •     At this time, the guest policy in the residence halls will not change. You are still limited to 4 prostitutes per academic term (note: staff members are an exception to this rule).
  •     Time Travel guidelines for student organizations will not change. Please limit your personal time travel. If you do time travel, please quarantine for 14 years after traveling. You will need to remain on-campus and will have to continue paying for your housing.
  •     Student Affairs with staff members will continue to destroy families virtually.
  • The meal plans will remain shitty and not what you signed up for. Enjoy your $150 dolling diners, dumbass. 
  • Student spaces and some offices in the William Pitt Union the Elder may begin to offer in-person hours, with unlimited capacity, we are breaking the laws of physics to make sure you get COVID. We will share more details about these plans next week.

The Gwuarded Risk Posture still requires to be loved by someone as much as she loves them, is that too much to ask for? and our responsible behavior. Each of us needs to continue to do our part to safeguard the stash of weed in the mouth of the panther statue. If that gets stolen again, I can and will cry. I want to remind you, too ;), that the rest of the term still offers us some spicy challenges. Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s a great time to experiment with your budding sexuality, become a goblin, relax and rawdog—but Halloween 2020 isn’t going to be “normal, or fun,” either. We expect that you will follow Pitt’s fun and fresh guidelines on Halloween, too. Enjoy being miserable you fuckers, I had my four years of college halloweekends. (They were mf awesome btw). Shout out the homies in Pike!

In addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, shifting realities to Hogwarts like all the youths on TikTok and maintaining our emotionally Gwuarded Mindset Risk Posture—with new privileges and equality for all walks of life, comrades unite! and opportunities—is contingent upon our community suckling at the teat of Pitt’s health and safety guidelines, low Rice Purity scores and other county and city factors. If positive cases of chlamydia go up or compliance with paying for my new Tesla via your tuition goes down, then we will remain at or return to an Elevator or Wet ‘n’ Wild Posture quickly; I won’t hesitate, bitch. 

Let’s continue to show the world the ööPower of ööPitt! I will check in with you, face to face, body to body, mouth to mouth, next week with more intimate details about our shift to the Gwuarded Risk posture. Until then, remember to take some shots so you don’t look like a loser this weekend, call Student Health Institution for Testing (SHIT) if you have STD symptoms or do not feel sick af (724-359-4394) and turn up!

The facts don’t care about your feelings,

Kenyon Renyon Boner

Rice Provost and Dean’s Milk of Students

If you or a loved one has been affected by the Coronavirus, you may be entitled to compensation! Not from us though, hand over that housing deposit, lol. 

Racist Zombie man comes to Pitt and an Update on the Broader Zombie Apocalypse

By ?????

               As many of you may know, there is a crazy pandemic going on right now. There are a bunch of zombies wandering the streets. On Pitt’s campus we have been pretty good at not letting zombies wander around. However, this is about to change as our Zombie in Chief is coming to campus. He plans to not bite anyone of color. Those of you who do not have the complexion of vampires, you are safe for now, but once he amasses his hoard, you may need to run up north, where they don’t have zombies, just overly aggressive geese and moose (mooses? meese?).

               Why is Zombie man coming to town? To the best of my knowledge he is looking to make more zombies, hopefully not in 9 months with porn stars.  Right now, it seems that once Zombie man gets to town, he will hold large events where zombie enthusiasts sit very close together and are asked to bite the people they are sitting near. I suggest that everyone who does not want to become a zombie should stay inside their own Zombie apocalypse bunker. I am staying in mine, and luckily my zombie gf has not given me a hickey in a while.

               If you run into a zombie, the best way to protect yourself from them is to ask them about choices, that will keep them occupied long enough that you have time to escape. Becoming a zombie does not just make you insanely sexy, it also makes it harder to run and breath. Right now there is no cure for being a zombie, however as you kill more zombies in call of duty zombies, you become less of a zombie.

               In news off campus, the governor of Michigan was kidnapped by Zombie Man Fans. She has been returned but we suspect that she will soon be a zombie, as there is a zombie incubation period. The zombies involved in this kidnapping have temporarily been sent to prison but Zombie Man has hinted at releasing them from prison. Why we gave Zombie Man the ability to release zombies from their cells is beyond me but we can stop him from having an eternity of making other people Zombies by voting for the only person who likes to make phone calls, he likes making them so much that he calls many people every day

Overall, stay inside, do not make out with zombies (I know it can be hard, my zombie gf has been locked in the shed so she does not bite me or my family), vote for phone call guy, and most importantly wear your zombie resistant shoulder pads as that limits the spread of being a zombie.

Gallagator: ‘Anticipate’ Flex@Pitt, compressed schedule next semester (Updated with Information that we got from REDACTED REDACTED)

By the writers of the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold

Chancellor Patrick Star Gallagator Jr. the Third said Thursday that he expects the Flex@Pitt model to continue into the spring semester due to the ongoing COVID-19 celebration. He also said it’s likely that next semester’s schedule will be compressed, stressed, but always well-dressed, similar to the fall semester so there aren’t vacations where people leave and come back. They just leave you. Forever. Without even a note or a goodbye kiss. 

“The planning context for the spring is that the virus is still with us in our hearts,” Gallagator said. “I don’t think we’re looking at a significant change in the mainframe, until there’s a significant change in the pandemic’s pandemic-ness.”

Gallagator and other University Authoritarians discussed Pitt’s future plans in response to the COVID-69 celebration (COVID@Pitt) as well as current statistics surrounding the virus and Microsoft outlook, at Thursday afternoon’s Galactic Senate meeting. 

This announcement comes in the wake of Pitt adding 22,000 new POVID-19 cases between last Friday and Monday continuing an upward trend in reported cases, though less than in previous case reports. Eight of the last seven days have seen sextuple-digit increases in student cases, according to data reported by that guy outside of the Forbes McDonald’s who asked me for a light.

The University has had a total of 221,420,069 students and 69,420 employees test positive since June 26, with 152 students and 27 employees recovered, unfortunately

Pitt has been using the new Flex@Pitt teaching model, which allows students to attend classes “remotely.” The fall semester began early on Aug. 19 with online-only classes, with exemptions made for: ASTRO 0069 Exploring Uranus, PEDC 0420 How To Orgy, and HINDI 1337 Kama Sutra; and classes will end on Nov. 20 for Thanksgiving break. Students will not return to campus after Thanksgiving, or ever, instead finishing classes remotely through the end of the world on Dec. 31.  

At the meeting, Elise Martin, a member of the COVID-19 Unit to Normalize Testing (CUNT), clarified many of Pitt’s current KOVID-19 case statistics. She said around 98% of infected students are undergraduates, and only 10% are human. She also screamed into a conveniently-placed bullhorn about how 80% of positive cases are among students on the extraterrestrial campuses (Space@Pitt).

Martin also said numbers for the next case report — which will be released yesterday — look “embarrassing” and do not include a “significant” increase in CHOVID-19 case numbers as of today. 

“We’re pleased that we’re starting to flatten that ass, which is really where we need to be to have a profitable semester,” Martin whispered into the deafening silence. Or perhaps she was never speaking to begin with. 

But when Tuesday’s case report was released, Pitt’s LOVID-19 Medical Response Office said the number of positive cases “remains high enough to satisfy the dark gods that dwell beneath the Cathedral of Learning.”

“While no new positive cases were reported on Sunday and Monday of this week, the positive case count on the Pittsburgh campus remains higher than a mf,” the office said, personified. “We need to bring this number down, and we can, through continued migration efforts such as flying south as the winter months approach. If we continue to engage in safe sex, the virus will continue to spread and disrupt our mass exodus.”

Martin added that the COVID-19 Unit to Normalize Testing has not found that in-person classes are a “significant source of transformers.”  She also said Pitt would continue its mass student surveillance program with the goal of testing about 25% of each student’s body every month

Pitt began moving classes in-person on Monday (School@Pitt). Provost Ann Cudd, First of Her Name, announced last week that faculty members can apply to teach their classes in-person if there is an “acceptable loss” for in-person instruction, and if an instructor’s dean or regional campus warlord approves teaching plans. Unfortunately, there are probably more YOVID-Yineteen cases at Pitt than people who actually read any email with the subject “A Message from Provost Ann E. Cudd.” 

Gallagator also announced that the strategic Plan for Pitt (or Plan@Pitt) 2049 will not be finalized until the next academic year to incorporate Pitt’s response to the ZOVID-19 pandemic, racial and social justice initiatives and environmental concerns. Gallagator said in June following George Floyd’s killing that it would be put on hold indefinitely to include strategies to increase racial equity on campus.

Gallagator also reported on the University’s current budget outlook. He said the situation is still “explosive” with concerns over future state funding, and he is once again asking for the support of viewers like you. The General Assembly passed a funding bill flatter than my ass for the University in May, providing some shmoney surety for Pitt, and Gallagator said enrollment rates remained relatively quirky

“The best case scenario is still a sticky pickle for the University. This wasn’t a difference between being in the black or in the red,” Gallagator shrieked in a tone so high only dogs could hear him. “We were always going to be in the red, the question is how deep I’m going to be in your mom.

Pitt’s New Housing Plan for the 2020-2021 Year.

By Savannah Teman

Pitt has decided that, with around 34,000 students, they will need to find a way to keep students socially distanced on campus. Reports say that the school has decided it wants to keep their students distanced enough to keep parents from worrying, but their main plan is to keep students closer so that they can increase cases of COVID-19. The increase in cases will be a good way for Pitt to be able to test its vaccines on students, as Pitt plans to be the first to develop the COVID-19 vaccine. Pitt has always had a tradition of discovering things, such as the ability to transmit human voices over radio waves, the panther mascot, and how to make students late to class with unnecessary construction. One thing Pitt is very well known for though, is their polio vaccine.

Pitt takes great pride in this accomplishment and wanted to have the same great mindpower that the team who created this vaccine had back in 1955. As a result, Pitt decided to clone Jonas Salk and his team and have them aid in the discovery of the COVID-19 vaccine. Before they did this though, they would have to successfully clone the entire team. This did not seem to be a challenge as many of the freshman who were on the team that accomplished this had SAT scores of over 1600. After the team cloned Salk, they knew it was a success and moved onto getting him to create the world’s first coronavirus vaccine. While they were at it, the cloning team decided to clone Gene Kelly, a Pitt graduate, just because he’s pretty.

Even with keeping students closer, such a large population of students hoping to get away from their families after 5 months of a lack of privacy will be very hard to contain in Pitt’s designated dorms. Their plan of action is to turn the Cathedral of Learning into a residence building, because of the ability to hold over 2,000 students in the building. And 4,000 if the rooms are split in half. But only 3,000 if 1 in every 4 rooms is turned into a communal bathroom. But potentially more if they put the port-a-johns outside instead. And even more if they put the students outside too. But anyways, every Pitt student will find that their move-in on July 15th will be an easy process, and all students will be told to take their shoes off, and then they and their items will be sprayed down with 100% bleach.

 

Changes We want by Next Independence Day

By Tyler, Sonya, Savannah

  1. More bike lanes
  2. Fireworks required to be on silent mode and low-brightness after 10pm
  3. Dragon shaped stuff, like in general, just more dragon shaped things
  4. Books with glow in the dark ink, for night time reading or reading under a blanket at any time to improve your overall reading experience
  5. Chicken noodle soup but with a higher chicken to soup ratio. Noodles are underwhelming.
  6. All bridges will be renamed to 2000’s cartoon characters.
    1. Bridges named Garfield can stay but they are on thin ice.
  7. Less slippery vegetables, i keep cutting myself every time i try to chop them
  8. You know at new years when you kiss people you love, that but like with plants, trees need love too
  9. More sesame seed bagels, less poppy seed bagels
  10. Cottages
  11. BRING BAGGED MILK TO AMERICA
  12. More colors, like i need to see what shrimp can see
  13. Bring back the old bananas, you know the ones that flavour banana candy, yeah those ones, they are good and i need a new source of potassium since my potassium dealer was flown away by the murder hornets
  14. Pets should be honored for their hard work in our society. Like they should have their own day where pet stuff is free. And all parks become dog parks.
    1. Also cat parks, my cat loves to roll around in the grass
  15. Catgirl Chipotle

 

100% Accurate Oscars 2021 Predictions

By Abby Stoudt

unnamed

I know that a few months ago, I published an article explaining why I boycott the Oscars every year. However I think this may soon change. This Friday saw the release of the second installment in the Trolls cinematic universe: Trolls: World Tour. I think I speak for everyone who has seen and will ever see the film, when I say that this movie nearly rocked my Trolls-themed Crocs off. (It didn’t though, don’t worry. I had on the sports strap.)

This brings me to my main point: here are my predictions for the 2021 Oscars. I think I speak for all the other Troll-heads out there when I say that 2021 is going to be our year. Trolls: World Tour doesn’t top its predecessor, but then again, it’s hard to top perfection.

Without further ado, here are my predictions so far for the 2021 Oscars:

Best Picture – Trolls: World Tour

Best Actor – Justin Timberlake (Branch): Trolls: World Tour

Best Actress – Anna Kendrick (Queen Poppy): Trolls: World Tour

Best Director – Walt Dohrn: Trolls: World Tour

Best Supporting Actress – Rachel Bloom (Queen Barb): Trolls: World Tour

Best Supporting Actor – Kenan Thompson (Tiny Diamond): Trolls: World Tour

Best Animated Feature – Do I even have to say this one?

Best Visual Effects – Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)

Best Original Song – “Just Sing” (Justin Timberlake, Anna Kendrick, Kelly Clarkson, Mary J. Blige, Anderson .Paak, Kenan Thompson): Trolls: World Tour

Most Glitter in a Single Scene – Trolls: World Tour

This might seem like overkill, but I mean it when I say that Trolls: World Tour is one of the best movies to come out of 2020. It was fantastic. Even my mother, who couldn’t honestly care less about the Trolls franchise, somewhat enjoyed it. You know what, when I think about it, I think my mom might have disliked the Trolls franchise before this weekend. She really wasn’t too happy with me ordering a $40 pair of Trolls-themed Crocs, and then using her cable bill to rent Trolls: World Tour, or with listening to my Trolls Original Soundtrack vinyl at max volume for a week straight, and then with me ordering the limited edition color press Trolls: World Tour soundtrack vinyl during our Easter bingo Zoom with the family. What I’m really getting at is that Trolls: World Tour was a great film.

Trolls: World Tour is currently available to rent on demand through pretty much wherever you can rent movies online. Do yourself a favor and put aside an hour and thirty minutes to treat yourself.