Everybody’s got something to hide except me and my frisbee!

By Eric Brinling

Let me confide in you, my loyal reading public: I’m scared. I’m really scared. I might even go so far as to say that I’m downright frightened. Maybe not quite terrified, but it’s getting there. I’m on the cusp of terrifism. It’s a horrifying state to be in.

    I went outside today – which alone is newsworthy – to find a brave new world. Everyone around me, from the garbage man to the construction worker to fancy lady Francine “la damme française” Laderoute and even Fanny and Lady, her dogs, were wearing masks. Even the sidewalk had a mask on it, suggesting that it too was in on the plot. I longed to return to the safety of my closet, but I put on a brave face. I had made a commitment to several strangers that I had met on the r/Pitt subreddit that I would meet them to toss around a frisbee, like normal college students are supposed to do. 

    To my horror, they too were wearing masks. How did they expect to catch any frisbees? With their hands? 

    They just stared at me judgingly. I glanced nervously between them. One of them, a tall boy with astonishingly short legs and a disproportionate torso to make up for it, and a very large, ugly head with eyes that seemed to be two different sizes and ears that seemed to be two different shapes, one like a boat and the other like a camera, and hair that seemed to have been styled in the form of an elliptic paraboloid – what was I saying? Anyway, this guy seemed to be the least judgmental and kindest of the group, so I tossed my frisbee at him.

    Surprisingly nimble for his little dachshund legs, he dodged away and said, “Dude, we’re not frizzing with you if you aren’t going to wear a mask.”

    What were they all hiding behind the masks? I guess I had been in that closet for a long time. Do people still have mouths? Are mouths taboo? Did some serial fruit-placer go around putting orange slices in mouths across Pittsburgh, creating a need to cover one’s mouth constantly in fear of the orange slice placer? Or maybe aliens have invaded, and they were able to replicate every part of the human body except for the mouth, and I’m the only real human left? But then why would they want me to wear a mask, shouldn’t they want to keep me marked as a true human for future brain autopsies or for a spare member on their Wednesday night human pop culture pub trivia team?

    Whatever it was they were hiding, I knew I had no similar need to wear a mask. I felt my mouth to make sure it wasn’t replaced with a garbage disposal or a plastic bag or a mirror or something and, finding my mouth wet and squishy as usual, picked up my frisbee and went home. I don’t think I’ll come out again for another few months, maybe masks will be out of fashion by then.

Things You Could Buy With the Money You’re Saving by Not Having a Wedding

By: Abby Stoudt

Great news LGBT community! In light of Justice Barret being appointed to the Supreme Court, I’m making a list of all the fun things we can buy instead of paying for a wedding. So, instead of dropping 30 grand on a wedding, you can now afford:

  1. 2,727 frog shaped coin purses
  2. An unlimited amount of Turning Point USA activism kits whose pins you can then repurpose with $30,000 worth of Posca markers (While we’re dropping $30,000 we might as well buy the good stuff)
  3. 600 pairs of rainbow crocs
  4. A brand new Subaru
  5. 428 Seinfeld boxed sets
  6. 131 Bokuto plushies (but the huge one because again, we’re treating ourselves, LGBT community <3)
  7. 600 Iconic Milk Bar birthday cakes
  8. Roughly 7,500 of my go-to Starbucks order: A grande iced coffee with sweet cream and 3 pumps of white mocha
  9. 1,666 copies of the Trolls Soundtrack on vinyl and 428 record players to listen to it on
  10. 1,578 tapestries that depict Robert Pattinson standing in his kitchen

Well, I hope this helps because you all know what they say: retail therapy is a valid form of therapy.

But on a more serious note everyone, we’re showing the jokes the door for a moment, I know that times feel really rough right now but we will make it through this together. I love you <3.

Horoscopes For the Week Of October 19th

By Ella Mizera

The autumn breeze has begun to set in, and in this period of transition it’s always helpful to keep an eye on the future.

Aries: You will reminisce on the futility of life this week, just as you have every other week this year. You can find an answer, but it will involve going to the Dunkin’ Donuts on Forbes and asking for Jim.

Taurus: Try using conditioner before shampoo. This isn’t a metaphor, I just want to know what happens if you do that.

Gemini: Your scrapbooking hobby will take a turn for the gruesome, so make sure to freshen the air before your roommate comes back and asks you why the room smells like blood.

Cancer: That window doesn’t lead outside. I don’t know where it goes, but it isn’t where you think it goes based on Euclidean geometry. Maybe that’s where they keep the frozen corpses of our previous deans?

Virgo: Have a friend over for dinner. Also, the meaning of life is written on page 42 of the closest textbook. I know, it’s weird.

Libra: Bernie Sanders will appear to you in dreams, asking for a sacrifice. What he asks of you is entirely dependent on your relationship with your mother.

Scorpio: What if my dog is just an ambulating mass of bees wearing a dog suit for Halloween? What if yours is too?

Sagittarius: The next few days will be hard. Substantially harder, as if they were somehow more solid than the last. Enjoy your liquid days while they last, for the freezer of God is merciless.

Capricorn: It’s time that we started going back to geocentrism, and you are the perfect leader for this intellectual uprising. Show NASA what’s up.

Aquarius: Throw a dart at the map. Wherever the dart lands, an unwitting animal will gain the ability to speak. It will revere you as a god, but you will never meet it. At least, I hope not.

Pisces: Eating a sticker seemed like a good idea at the time, I know, but what you didn’t foresee is that the adhesive would bind to the roof of your mouth. Please let me know if you’re okay.

Ophiuchus: You’ll fall in love.

A sneak peak at the Non Alcoholic Mix Off later this month

By the writers of the Pittiful News

  • Clowns 
    • Clowns have a rich history in the Pittsburgh area, they go back many generations as seen in the balloon family trees they make after asexually reproducing. 
    • Drink: “Honk my Horn if you know what i mean”
      • Fruit punch, Vegan Bailey’s Irish almond milk creamer, 1 lollipop (on top, similar to a cherry)
  • Witchtok
    • The Witchtok community represents a broad spectrum of witches of all kinds, by sharing videos of witch tips, potions, weird peace offerings they leave in the garden for the nymphs, and reading each other’s tarot fortunes to give sad witches some encouragement
    • Drink: “The Bubble, Bubble, Toil, and Trouble”
      •  A blend of herbal teas with hints of chamomile and rose, some of the stuff from my garden that I didn’t actually plant it just kinda grew, and edible glitter, all stewed in a cauldron (pot) while we chant in Parseltongue
  •  Arbor Day Enthusiasts
    • Anyone can be an Arbor Day Enthusiast, but not just anyone can be an Arbor Day Enthusiast, if you catch my drift. The community is often split into two factions: those who enjoy celebrating Arbor Day with a barbecue and a game of cornhole and those who are active participants in yearly Arbor Day revolutions worldwide in which they overthrow authoritarian regimes and replace them with a government run by trees. These two factions do not get along (even (especially) on Arbor Day).
    • Drink: “Committing Treeson”
      • Maple syrup, sawdust, blanched ginkgo leaves, some wood chips if you’re feeling frisky
  •  Anti-Maskers
    • The fuckheads, i mean anti-maskers, are a group of people who believe that masks are dummy dumb dumb and they shouldnt be worn because they dont work and kill brain cells. We collectively have two brain cells and are not about to risk losing the rest. Plus, if Trump survived COVID, then we can, too.
    • Drink: “Bleach”
      • Bleach jello shots from coronavirus shaped molds 
  • Children of the Corn
    • They shuck all day and shuck all night. They shuck when they’re happy and they shuck when they’re sad. They shuck like animals. They love corn and they just don’t care who knows it. Is that what the movie’s about? I think it is.
    • Drink: “Maybe I’m A-Maize-d”
      • Corn right off the cob, corn that’s been off the cob for a day or two, high fructose corn syrup, cornmeal, cornflour, a few corny jokes, a unicorn, General Cornwallis, candy corn, corn ethanol, etc.
  • Oakland 
    • A community of students and faculty alike, centering their time around the livelihood of the city. The Oakland community consists mostly of Pitt students and other universities’ students who come to the Pitt campus to study. We pride ourselves on our dedication to leaving garbage in the streets whenever possible, which includes but is not limited to: five guys fries we dropped for the birds, cigarette butts, any bag, empty dab carts, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond.
    • Drink: “The Oakland Token”
      •  Five Guys fries we dropped for the birds, cigarette butts, any bag, empty dab carts, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond
  •  Nursing Students That Used To Bully Me In High School
    • The popular kids in school who bullied or outright ignored me are now training to be in charge of people’s survival. They would’ve failed high school chemistry if not for the participation grade, and now they wonder why they’re failing OChem. Hallmarks include messy buns, Lululemon pants, hydroflasks, and the inability to empathize with people outside of their suburban clique! I trust them with my life! 
    • Drink: “The Nursing Dose”
      • Starbucks Double Shot, mixed with 10 ccs of blood; stat, and the tears of children. Mix for 10 seconds in your mom’s food processor. Add protein bar chunks, stickers that say “it’s a beautiful day to save lives”, and seventeen episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Complain about early clinicals. Be stuck in one profession for the rest of your life. 
  •  Monkey “Enthusiasts”
    • The people that are REALLY into monkeys *wink*
    • Drink:”The Monkey’s Crotch” 
      • 16 Fleas, 2 oz of Coconut Cream, 3 oz Pineapple Juice, A Whole Lot of Disapproval From One’s Parents, a Splash of Water, .75 oz of Fresh Lime Juice, 3 dashes of a Cease and Desist from the Local Zoo, and a pinch of salty tears that God didn’t make you a monkey
      • Instructions: In a blender, combine all the ingredients until smooth. Then pour into a glass before you cry yourself to sleep after realizing you’ve been on permanent house arrest after THAT incident you pulled with monkeys from the local zoo…. Rumor says that those monkeys never looked at people the same way.  
  • Pitt Administration
    • They have long lived in the sewers under oakland and have developed their own culture, they often ask other residents to come play with them in the sewers and then eat the students and blame it on Covid-19
    • Drink: “Honey I Murdered the Kids”
      • Oh the places you’ll go (Dr. Seuss book), any photograph you have from college, gatorade(red to represent the blood spilt in the sewers)
  • The pigeons that live in my house
    • These Pigeons will not leave
    • Drink: “Just Rat Poison”
      • Rat poison with a hint of lime, Rat poison restaurant style, rat poison scoops, salt and vinegar rat poison; you can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There’s uh, rat poison-kabobs, rat poison creole, rat poison gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried rat poison. There’s pineapple rat poison, lemon rat poison, coconut rat poison, pepper rat poison, rat poison soup, rat poison stew, rat poison salad, rat poison and potatoes, rat poison burger, rat poison sandwich, sour cream and onion rat poison 
  •  Gym Bros
    • The giga-chads you see strutting around the inside of the Baierl Student Recreation Center like they own the place. Which, I mean, they do. If they ask me if I’m using something you best believe I’m saying “nope, my bad.” This drink represents everything about the weightlifting community, including but not limited to: shitty cutoffs made from free Pitt t-shirts, skipping leg day, a supply-chain major, and spending Saturdays with the boys.
    • Drink: “Get Swole or Die Trying”
      • 70g whey protein powder (chocolate flavor), 14 lq oz human sweat, a dash of methamphetamine, peanut butter, 1.2 gal blue powerade run through a Brita filter. All contained in a BlenderBottle, obviously.
  •  Squirrel Hill
    • Many people in Squirrel Hill are Jewish, some are not, but one thing everyone from Squirrel Hill loves is Manischewitz wine, but since we cant have that due to alcohol content, we will have Kedem’s grape juice
    • Drink: “do I really need to put a name in this box, I literally said it was just Kedem’s grape juice, oh, it is copying down whatever i say, alexa stop, siri off, google home leave me alone, beam me up scotty, if i hit the enter key maybe it will stop”
      • Kedem’s grape juice, like just that in a glass, it tastes great

Real and fake facts about Alcohol safety mixed together like a quality cocktail (shaken not stirred, what is this the 1800’s no cocktails are stirred nowadays) 

  1. It is unsafe to drink and drive
  2. Putting little umbrellas in your fruity drinks makes them taste better
  3. Making jokes about consent is funny
  4. Pong is a game played at many ceo events
  5. all white house staff must carry narcan, it does not help with alcohol, it is just good for all the “diet” coke (just cocaine) the president does (do not use narcan if someone is overdosing from cocaine, it will send them into cardiac arrest, narcan is safe for use on those overdosing on opioids)
  6. If you drink more, you’ll be happy
  7. It is unsafe to drink and drive
  8. I’m a fruity drink ;)
  9. One sip of beer will steal your virginity, your childhood memories, and your youthful essence
  10. Certain types of liquor make jazz sound better

I stole my neighbor’s lawn ornaments

By Tyler Sikov

               I have once again gotten myself into a pickle, not literally this time. My neighbors wanted to test out their new security system, so they asked me to steal some of their lawn ornaments. I was on board immediately and began planning my expert heist. I arrive at their house (like a minute after I leave my house, you know neighbors and all) and I set my sights on my targets, the ornaments.

               There is an assortment of ornaments. There is a peacock where the tail and body spin independently of each other. There is one that is topped with an orb, that I am certain is just a wizard staff half buried in the ground. There is a very rusted sun flower. The last one is a stained-glass picture of 2 butterflies on a stick.

               I look for defenses and more importantly flaws in the defenses. I do not notice anything stopping me from stealing the ornaments. So, I walk up and pick the orb and peacock up. I walk back to my house and hide them in my garage. I go back and get the other 2 ornaments and hide them in my garage. As with all crimes I commit, I desire recognition so I go back to the scene of the crime and contemplate stealing their potted plants but decide against it.

               A few hours later my neighbors asked where their lawn ornaments went. I informed them that I stole them as they had requested to which they replied that they had not yet installed their new security system and had been at a funeral while I was stealing their ornaments. They asked me to return them but I said no because I put some effort into planning my heist. I was planning on doing a number of flips and rolls through the laser field I pictured. I brought multiple bandanas which I planned to use as weapons. Most importantly I had a getaway driver which I never used, now I have to apologize to my mom for not using her help in yet another criminal act. I will keep you, my readers, up to date on my escapades in nefarious activities.

What’s on Sutherland’s Mysterious 9th Floor?

By Isaac Przybysz

During my freshman year, I was wandering the halls of my native Sutherland and found something odd in the stairwell: a locked door at the end of a set of stairs going up from floor 8. “But how?” I thought. “The building only has 8 floors, that we know of.” So I decided to sneak find an alternative entrance up to the floor and here’s what I found:

  • State secrets
  • Science experiments
  • A parking lot
  • A swimming pool
  • The genetic code for clones of more pre-med students from outside Philly
  • Patrick Gallagher’s heating lamp
  • An elevator to hell
  • The end of the song “American Pie”
  • A secret stash of Natty Light
  • A Mario pipe, probably also to hell
  • All the Starship robots
  • Your grandparents’ tapes from when Pitt football was good
  • The ‘butthole cut’ of Cats
  • The Port Authority bus that fell in a sinkhole last year
  • The Plague Inc controller for COVID
  • Yoshi’s tax returns
  • All the unmatched socks lost in the dryers
  • A rabbit hole to Wonderland
  • The Chevron steps
  • Sodexo
  • The O (RIP) 

The fruits of your labor

By Eric Brinling

Ripe Fruit: How To Know When Produce Is Ready To Eat

You wake up. It was all a dream. The coronavirus, the Trump presidency, the imminent environmental apocalypse, all of it. You sit up and rub your eyes, which are grapes. Your fingers are plump little bananas. It’s another fruity spring day of your freshfruit year at the University of Cherry Pitsburgh. 

    You check the clementime on your phoneydew. It’s late. You jump out of bedfruit and go to brush your teeth (which are snowberries) with jelly, or whatever the toothpaste equivalent is in your fruit-themed world. You’re meeting up with your old fruit school friend Jackfruit for the first clementime this semester, and you don’t want to be late. Finally, someone to wine to about how depressed (as in a wine press) and lonely you feel. 

    You head to the lawn below the Cathedral of Pearning and wait on a bench plum for your friend. To your annoyance, you have to wait for several persimminutes before Jackfruit arrives. Finally, you see him walking past the Thomas E. Star-Fruit statue. 

    “Hey Jackfruit, how’s it hanging?” you ask politely in the customary way that fruits greet each other.

    “Grape!” he says, more enthusiastically than you had hoped. You had expected him to have a similar calabur of general meloncholy to yours. His fruity play on the word ‘great’ took you by surprise, and not in a good way.

    “Why’s that?” you ask, your voice close to betraying your cavendisinterest.

    “I went on a date!” says Jackfruit, his pearly snowberries showing a wide, banana-shaped smile.

    “With who?”

    “Do you remember Melonie?”

    Of course, you remember Melonie. In your despearate attempts to find friendly fruits last semester you went to some lemon’s party at Carnegie Melon. There you met Melonie, whom you introduced to Jackfruit. You thought you had a fine fruitship with her, but your cornuspondence* had grown berry slow of late. Now, you suppose, you know why.

    But you just say, “Yes.”

    “Well,” says Jackfruit, “we’ve been hanging out (as fruits do) for a while now and I think we make a really good pear.”

    “Good to pear,” you say after a short pawpause.

    “What?”

    “Pear, you know, like hear. Maybe it’s better when read in text than when spoken aloud,” you hope that to be the case, but you also know it might have just been a bad joke. But it was easy. Low hanging fruit, so to speak. 

    “Ah okay. Well, I have to prune off, I’m afraid. Melonie will be raisin hell if I don’t get to lunch to watch her eat her fruit salad.”

    “No, yeah, that’s fine. I have to call my cran-ma and grand-papaya anyways,” you lie, having no intention to call your elderberries. 

    You watch the mango. You know in the peach pit of your stomach that this is the last clementime you’ll see him for a long while. You wish you would have said, “Orange you glad I introduced you two?” or “Please hang out with me more, Jackfruit, I’m cripplingly lonely,” but your wit was not quick enough. 

    You sigh and reflect on it all. You started the day with two friends, or so you thought, and ended with zero. Maybe you should’ve never introduced Melonie and Jackfruit. Maybe you should’ve just tried harder. You really did give it your best, but it seems that others have harvested the fruits of your labor. And what are you left with when it’s all said and done? Kumsquat!

*Important note: this is not, in fact a pun on the word ‘corn’ but rather a pun on the word ‘cornus’, a genus of fruit-bearing trees. Corn is not a fruit, so that wouldn’t work. Now that I’ve explained the joke, it’s hilarious, right?

A Message from Dean Bonner (updated to contain information we obtained by answering the sphinx’s 69 riddles)

By the writers of the Pittiful News;original email: corrections made in bold

Dear my little sources of income– I mean– Pitt students,

Today, the University (and by university I mean me, like who else is sending these emails?) announced that the Pittsburgh campus plans to move out but still see the kids on weekends from the Elevator Risk to the Gwuarded Wrist Posture, on Monday, Oct. 34, assuming that there are no significant changes in weather conditions. It’s Pittsburgh. In October. Say goodbye to the sun for a while, seriously. Moving to the Guardians of The Galaxy Risk Posture offers us new flexibility, (in more ways than one-we can do the splits now!) and it is the direct result of irresponsible little shits’ behavior and compliance with health and safety guidelines. You have earned this by working together as a community! I’m talking to you, freshman who gather at Flagstaff in groups of 100+ every weekend, this is because of you! I feel even less bad this year for retroactively raising your tuition by $30K. Hell may be hot, but I love a tropical climate. 

What will this change mean for you and your body?

(For more guidance, please reference that American Girl Doll puberty book, available at Hillman Library) 

Please note that these changes do NOT begin until Monday, Oct. 34.  Gwuarded uwu Risk also does not mean that we are returning to a pre-pandemic way of operating and physically, mentally, or sexually engaging with each other (exceptions may be made sexually). We’re still not back to normal, I don’t think I can ever feel normal again. Especially not after the bad trip I had last night with the Provost. I also want to emphasize that you will still need to wear your Axe body spray, follow physical lifting guidelines and practice good genital hygiene. Stay sexy, you dirty dogs!

  •     Instructors may begin to offer more parts of themselves to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Fall in love with someone who doesn’t care, lose themselves in the moment as well as in-person instruction in most classes. Students still have the choice to attend class remotely if they prefer to watch soft porn in bed while having “technical difficulties.” Watch for more communication from your instructors about specific changes to sexual satisfaction.
  •     We will offer bone-in options at select on-cam-pussy boning centers, with limited glory holes and specific health and safety guidelines. Please pay attention to and personally thank all signage in the boning facilities. Additional details will be provided whenever I goddamn please, fuckhead.
  •     Students should continue to be held in my warm, loving arms. However, student organizations will be eligible to host in-cahoots events, with a limited number of nerds and if their club is cool (greek life people if ur reading this can I come to the next party? lol). Students will still be required to wear proper undergarments, physically distance and practice good handjobs at these events.
  •     At this time, the guest policy in the residence halls will not change. You are still limited to 4 prostitutes per academic term (note: staff members are an exception to this rule).
  •     Time Travel guidelines for student organizations will not change. Please limit your personal time travel. If you do time travel, please quarantine for 14 years after traveling. You will need to remain on-campus and will have to continue paying for your housing.
  •     Student Affairs with staff members will continue to destroy families virtually.
  • The meal plans will remain shitty and not what you signed up for. Enjoy your $150 dolling diners, dumbass. 
  • Student spaces and some offices in the William Pitt Union the Elder may begin to offer in-person hours, with unlimited capacity, we are breaking the laws of physics to make sure you get COVID. We will share more details about these plans next week.

The Gwuarded Risk Posture still requires to be loved by someone as much as she loves them, is that too much to ask for? and our responsible behavior. Each of us needs to continue to do our part to safeguard the stash of weed in the mouth of the panther statue. If that gets stolen again, I can and will cry. I want to remind you, too ;), that the rest of the term still offers us some spicy challenges. Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s a great time to experiment with your budding sexuality, become a goblin, relax and rawdog—but Halloween 2020 isn’t going to be “normal, or fun,” either. We expect that you will follow Pitt’s fun and fresh guidelines on Halloween, too. Enjoy being miserable you fuckers, I had my four years of college halloweekends. (They were mf awesome btw). Shout out the homies in Pike!

In addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, shifting realities to Hogwarts like all the youths on TikTok and maintaining our emotionally Gwuarded Mindset Risk Posture—with new privileges and equality for all walks of life, comrades unite! and opportunities—is contingent upon our community suckling at the teat of Pitt’s health and safety guidelines, low Rice Purity scores and other county and city factors. If positive cases of chlamydia go up or compliance with paying for my new Tesla via your tuition goes down, then we will remain at or return to an Elevator or Wet ‘n’ Wild Posture quickly; I won’t hesitate, bitch. 

Let’s continue to show the world the ööPower of ööPitt! I will check in with you, face to face, body to body, mouth to mouth, next week with more intimate details about our shift to the Gwuarded Risk posture. Until then, remember to take some shots so you don’t look like a loser this weekend, call Student Health Institution for Testing (SHIT) if you have STD symptoms or do not feel sick af (724-359-4394) and turn up!

The facts don’t care about your feelings,

Kenyon Renyon Boner

Rice Provost and Dean’s Milk of Students

If you or a loved one has been affected by the Coronavirus, you may be entitled to compensation! Not from us though, hand over that housing deposit, lol. 

Racist Zombie man comes to Pitt and an Update on the Broader Zombie Apocalypse

By ?????

               As many of you may know, there is a crazy pandemic going on right now. There are a bunch of zombies wandering the streets. On Pitt’s campus we have been pretty good at not letting zombies wander around. However, this is about to change as our Zombie in Chief is coming to campus. He plans to not bite anyone of color. Those of you who do not have the complexion of vampires, you are safe for now, but once he amasses his hoard, you may need to run up north, where they don’t have zombies, just overly aggressive geese and moose (mooses? meese?).

               Why is Zombie man coming to town? To the best of my knowledge he is looking to make more zombies, hopefully not in 9 months with porn stars.  Right now, it seems that once Zombie man gets to town, he will hold large events where zombie enthusiasts sit very close together and are asked to bite the people they are sitting near. I suggest that everyone who does not want to become a zombie should stay inside their own Zombie apocalypse bunker. I am staying in mine, and luckily my zombie gf has not given me a hickey in a while.

               If you run into a zombie, the best way to protect yourself from them is to ask them about choices, that will keep them occupied long enough that you have time to escape. Becoming a zombie does not just make you insanely sexy, it also makes it harder to run and breath. Right now there is no cure for being a zombie, however as you kill more zombies in call of duty zombies, you become less of a zombie.

               In news off campus, the governor of Michigan was kidnapped by Zombie Man Fans. She has been returned but we suspect that she will soon be a zombie, as there is a zombie incubation period. The zombies involved in this kidnapping have temporarily been sent to prison but Zombie Man has hinted at releasing them from prison. Why we gave Zombie Man the ability to release zombies from their cells is beyond me but we can stop him from having an eternity of making other people Zombies by voting for the only person who likes to make phone calls, he likes making them so much that he calls many people every day

Overall, stay inside, do not make out with zombies (I know it can be hard, my zombie gf has been locked in the shed so she does not bite me or my family), vote for phone call guy, and most importantly wear your zombie resistant shoulder pads as that limits the spread of being a zombie.

Gallagator: ‘Anticipate’ Flex@Pitt, compressed schedule next semester (Updated with Information that we got from REDACTED REDACTED)

By the writers of the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold

Chancellor Patrick Star Gallagator Jr. the Third said Thursday that he expects the Flex@Pitt model to continue into the spring semester due to the ongoing COVID-19 celebration. He also said it’s likely that next semester’s schedule will be compressed, stressed, but always well-dressed, similar to the fall semester so there aren’t vacations where people leave and come back. They just leave you. Forever. Without even a note or a goodbye kiss. 

“The planning context for the spring is that the virus is still with us in our hearts,” Gallagator said. “I don’t think we’re looking at a significant change in the mainframe, until there’s a significant change in the pandemic’s pandemic-ness.”

Gallagator and other University Authoritarians discussed Pitt’s future plans in response to the COVID-69 celebration (COVID@Pitt) as well as current statistics surrounding the virus and Microsoft outlook, at Thursday afternoon’s Galactic Senate meeting. 

This announcement comes in the wake of Pitt adding 22,000 new POVID-19 cases between last Friday and Monday continuing an upward trend in reported cases, though less than in previous case reports. Eight of the last seven days have seen sextuple-digit increases in student cases, according to data reported by that guy outside of the Forbes McDonald’s who asked me for a light.

The University has had a total of 221,420,069 students and 69,420 employees test positive since June 26, with 152 students and 27 employees recovered, unfortunately

Pitt has been using the new Flex@Pitt teaching model, which allows students to attend classes “remotely.” The fall semester began early on Aug. 19 with online-only classes, with exemptions made for: ASTRO 0069 Exploring Uranus, PEDC 0420 How To Orgy, and HINDI 1337 Kama Sutra; and classes will end on Nov. 20 for Thanksgiving break. Students will not return to campus after Thanksgiving, or ever, instead finishing classes remotely through the end of the world on Dec. 31.  

At the meeting, Elise Martin, a member of the COVID-19 Unit to Normalize Testing (CUNT), clarified many of Pitt’s current KOVID-19 case statistics. She said around 98% of infected students are undergraduates, and only 10% are human. She also screamed into a conveniently-placed bullhorn about how 80% of positive cases are among students on the extraterrestrial campuses (Space@Pitt).

Martin also said numbers for the next case report — which will be released yesterday — look “embarrassing” and do not include a “significant” increase in CHOVID-19 case numbers as of today. 

“We’re pleased that we’re starting to flatten that ass, which is really where we need to be to have a profitable semester,” Martin whispered into the deafening silence. Or perhaps she was never speaking to begin with. 

But when Tuesday’s case report was released, Pitt’s LOVID-19 Medical Response Office said the number of positive cases “remains high enough to satisfy the dark gods that dwell beneath the Cathedral of Learning.”

“While no new positive cases were reported on Sunday and Monday of this week, the positive case count on the Pittsburgh campus remains higher than a mf,” the office said, personified. “We need to bring this number down, and we can, through continued migration efforts such as flying south as the winter months approach. If we continue to engage in safe sex, the virus will continue to spread and disrupt our mass exodus.”

Martin added that the COVID-19 Unit to Normalize Testing has not found that in-person classes are a “significant source of transformers.”  She also said Pitt would continue its mass student surveillance program with the goal of testing about 25% of each student’s body every month

Pitt began moving classes in-person on Monday (School@Pitt). Provost Ann Cudd, First of Her Name, announced last week that faculty members can apply to teach their classes in-person if there is an “acceptable loss” for in-person instruction, and if an instructor’s dean or regional campus warlord approves teaching plans. Unfortunately, there are probably more YOVID-Yineteen cases at Pitt than people who actually read any email with the subject “A Message from Provost Ann E. Cudd.” 

Gallagator also announced that the strategic Plan for Pitt (or Plan@Pitt) 2049 will not be finalized until the next academic year to incorporate Pitt’s response to the ZOVID-19 pandemic, racial and social justice initiatives and environmental concerns. Gallagator said in June following George Floyd’s killing that it would be put on hold indefinitely to include strategies to increase racial equity on campus.

Gallagator also reported on the University’s current budget outlook. He said the situation is still “explosive” with concerns over future state funding, and he is once again asking for the support of viewers like you. The General Assembly passed a funding bill flatter than my ass for the University in May, providing some shmoney surety for Pitt, and Gallagator said enrollment rates remained relatively quirky

“The best case scenario is still a sticky pickle for the University. This wasn’t a difference between being in the black or in the red,” Gallagator shrieked in a tone so high only dogs could hear him. “We were always going to be in the red, the question is how deep I’m going to be in your mom.