Pitt’s New Housing Plan for the 2020-2021 Year.

By Savannah Teman

Pitt has decided that, with around 34,000 students, they will need to find a way to keep students socially distanced on campus. Reports say that the school has decided it wants to keep their students distanced enough to keep parents from worrying, but their main plan is to keep students closer so that they can increase cases of COVID-19. The increase in cases will be a good way for Pitt to be able to test its vaccines on students, as Pitt plans to be the first to develop the COVID-19 vaccine. Pitt has always had a tradition of discovering things, such as the ability to transmit human voices over radio waves, the panther mascot, and how to make students late to class with unnecessary construction. One thing Pitt is very well known for though, is their polio vaccine.

Pitt takes great pride in this accomplishment and wanted to have the same great mindpower that the team who created this vaccine had back in 1955. As a result, Pitt decided to clone Jonas Salk and his team and have them aid in the discovery of the COVID-19 vaccine. Before they did this though, they would have to successfully clone the entire team. This did not seem to be a challenge as many of the freshman who were on the team that accomplished this had SAT scores of over 1600. After the team cloned Salk, they knew it was a success and moved onto getting him to create the world’s first coronavirus vaccine. While they were at it, the cloning team decided to clone Gene Kelly, a Pitt graduate, just because he’s pretty.

Even with keeping students closer, such a large population of students hoping to get away from their families after 5 months of a lack of privacy will be very hard to contain in Pitt’s designated dorms. Their plan of action is to turn the Cathedral of Learning into a residence building, because of the ability to hold over 2,000 students in the building. And 4,000 if the rooms are split in half. But only 3,000 if 1 in every 4 rooms is turned into a communal bathroom. But potentially more if they put the port-a-johns outside instead. And even more if they put the students outside too. But anyways, every Pitt student will find that their move-in on July 15th will be an easy process, and all students will be told to take their shoes off, and then they and their items will be sprayed down with 100% bleach.

 

Changes We want by Next Independence Day

By Tyler, Sonya, Savannah

  1. More bike lanes
  2. Fireworks required to be on silent mode and low-brightness after 10pm
  3. Dragon shaped stuff, like in general, just more dragon shaped things
  4. Books with glow in the dark ink, for night time reading or reading under a blanket at any time to improve your overall reading experience
  5. Chicken noodle soup but with a higher chicken to soup ratio. Noodles are underwhelming.
  6. All bridges will be renamed to 2000’s cartoon characters.
    1. Bridges named Garfield can stay but they are on thin ice.
  7. Less slippery vegetables, i keep cutting myself every time i try to chop them
  8. You know at new years when you kiss people you love, that but like with plants, trees need love too
  9. More sesame seed bagels, less poppy seed bagels
  10. Cottages
  11. BRING BAGGED MILK TO AMERICA
  12. More colors, like i need to see what shrimp can see
  13. Bring back the old bananas, you know the ones that flavour banana candy, yeah those ones, they are good and i need a new source of potassium since my potassium dealer was flown away by the murder hornets
  14. Pets should be honored for their hard work in our society. Like they should have their own day where pet stuff is free. And all parks become dog parks.
    1. Also cat parks, my cat loves to roll around in the grass
  15. Catgirl Chipotle

 

100% Accurate Oscars 2021 Predictions

By Abby Stoudt

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I know that a few months ago, I published an article explaining why I boycott the Oscars every year. However I think this may soon change. This Friday saw the release of the second installment in the Trolls cinematic universe: Trolls: World Tour. I think I speak for everyone who has seen and will ever see the film, when I say that this movie nearly rocked my Trolls-themed Crocs off. (It didn’t though, don’t worry. I had on the sports strap.)

This brings me to my main point: here are my predictions for the 2021 Oscars. I think I speak for all the other Troll-heads out there when I say that 2021 is going to be our year. Trolls: World Tour doesn’t top its predecessor, but then again, it’s hard to top perfection.

Without further ado, here are my predictions so far for the 2021 Oscars:

Best Picture – Trolls: World Tour

Best Actor – Justin Timberlake (Branch): Trolls: World Tour

Best Actress – Anna Kendrick (Queen Poppy): Trolls: World Tour

Best Director – Walt Dohrn: Trolls: World Tour

Best Supporting Actress – Rachel Bloom (Queen Barb): Trolls: World Tour

Best Supporting Actor – Kenan Thompson (Tiny Diamond): Trolls: World Tour

Best Animated Feature – Do I even have to say this one?

Best Visual Effects – Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)

Best Original Song – “Just Sing” (Justin Timberlake, Anna Kendrick, Kelly Clarkson, Mary J. Blige, Anderson .Paak, Kenan Thompson): Trolls: World Tour

Most Glitter in a Single Scene – Trolls: World Tour

This might seem like overkill, but I mean it when I say that Trolls: World Tour is one of the best movies to come out of 2020. It was fantastic. Even my mother, who couldn’t honestly care less about the Trolls franchise, somewhat enjoyed it. You know what, when I think about it, I think my mom might have disliked the Trolls franchise before this weekend. She really wasn’t too happy with me ordering a $40 pair of Trolls-themed Crocs, and then using her cable bill to rent Trolls: World Tour, or with listening to my Trolls Original Soundtrack vinyl at max volume for a week straight, and then with me ordering the limited edition color press Trolls: World Tour soundtrack vinyl during our Easter bingo Zoom with the family. What I’m really getting at is that Trolls: World Tour was a great film.

Trolls: World Tour is currently available to rent on demand through pretty much wherever you can rent movies online. Do yourself a favor and put aside an hour and thirty minutes to treat yourself.