Ways to Profit Off the Funeral You’re Going To

coffin at a cemetery

By Tyler Sikov

  1. Steal personal items
  2. Sell black umbrellas
  3. Perform a ventriloquism act with the deceased for tips
  4. Sell balloons
  5. Steal $600 worth of caviar (and then you’ll have to play live music to pay it off)
  6. Take bets on who will die next
  7. Play the organ for tips
  8. Kill someone else to ensure repeat profits

Things That’ll Put the ‘Fun’ in Funeral!

unnamed

By Tyler Sikov

  1. Bringing milk
  2. Ventriloquism with the deceased
  3. Stealing personal items
  4. Selling black umbrellas
  5. Making bets on who will die next
  6. Hiring a lookalike to be in the coffin, and then having them jump out while the real body is wearing a big hat in the back row so no one expects a thing
  7. Joke routines
  8. Directing people to the wrong grave and pushing someone in
  9. Applying makeup to the body
  10. Playing the organ but claiming to only know how to play trap and pop music (especially ‘Play Good Music At My Funeral’ by iamnotshane)
  11. Killing someone else
  12. Balloons
  13. Eat all the hors d’oeuvres

I Bought My Nintendo Switch in 2018 so I Could Play the March 2020 Animal Crossing

90624124_203721354234971_4740241317378916352_n

By Savannah Teman

It’s been 8 years. I have waited a little under 8 years for this game to be released. It was almost long enough for me to forget the game even existed. Yet I held out for this game. I bought my Nintendo Switch™ in 2018 solely to play the Animal Crossing that came out in March 2020, and these are the reasons why:

  1. Animals that cost 60 dollars
  2. Companionship that costs 60 dollars
  3. A vacation that costs 60 dollars
  4. The ability to put cute cases with Animal Crossing designs on my Switch
  5. The fact that if I wanted to make a bunch of dumb little people fight against each other I can just swat villagers with my butterfly net
  6. You don’t HAVE to talk to the people in your town
  7. Any mini game you can play on your Switch you can play on Animal Crossing:
    1. Hide and go seek
    2. Fishing tournaments
    3. Gardening
  8. Also essentially any hobby you could have in real life you can have in Animal Crossing

Alternative Uses For Your Cat

e0283c08b247c15a9b20fd84aa1eddfe

By Tyler Sikov

Do you feel like your cat is not contributing enough to the household? Well, here are some ways to make them earn their keep:

  1. Letter opener – they have sharp claws, might as well use them
  2. Loofah – watch out for the prickly points
  3. Towel – it is recommended that you not use the same cat as your cat-loofah
  4. Pedicures – their tongues make great exfoliants
  5. Masseuse – they will kneed you into oblivion
  6. Pillow – they are just so soft and will lull you to sleep with their purring
  7. Portable heater – they generate their own heat and are great at sharing it, this can help reduce your heat bill
  8. Therapist – you can talk to them for hours and they will listen, they have big ears to prove they are good listeners
  9. Instagram Model – Step 1: take pictures of your cat, Step 2: post them online, Step 3: profit

Borat: An Honest Review

borat

By Abby Stoudt

I have never seen Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, but I do have a lot of opinions about it. 99% of my knowledge about the movie’s plot is non-existent the other 1% comes from knowing two words from the entire movie. I literally have no idea about what this movie could be about

Actually, I know so little about the movie that I don’t even know what Borat looks like. In my head he looks like Mr. Bean but he also has a mustache. I don’t want to know what he actually looks like because that would ruin the magic of never seeing the movie. I think that I could possibly go the rest of my life without seeing Borat, and I’d probably be okay with that. 

That plot twist that happened an hour and 12 minutes in completely blew my mind! I couldn’t believe what I was watching! (I am completely assuming that there was a plot twist because of course, I have never actually seen Borat.)

Personally, I think that my favorite part of Borat was when he said “my wife” in a funny accent. I thought it was hilarious. I still laugh about it to this day whenever I think about it too hard. I would also like to be super honest here and say that I actually haven’t heard the guy from Borat say “my wife,” but I have heard a lot of people do impressions of that line and I always think it’s pretty funny. Well, I get the reference at least. I don’t think that I have ever laughed when I’ve heard someone do a Borat impression.

I don’t know how long Borat is, but I don’t know how I would be able to watch it. However long it takes before he actually says “my wife” would be agonizing. I feel like I would be on the edge of my seat waiting for the pinnacle line. Whatever happens after that would be disappointing because it would be after the movie’s peak. 

Overall, I think Borat was a pretty good movie. You should watch it if you ever get the chance. I know I won’t! 

Official rating – 5 out of 5 stars 

 

The Raddest New Hobbies You Should Try This Week

7ad7094f6267512e8b486f85f9c9d9f2

By – Sonya Acharya, Tyler Sikov, Abby Stoudt, and Savannah Teman

  1. Play the guitar 
  2. Read self insert One Direction fanfiction (reader × all members) 
  3. Watch The Great British Bake-Off and try not to cry this time 
  4. Kiss the homies in your close friend circle goodnight 
  5. Learn to juggle 

  6. Meet juggalos… no, gigolos 

  7. Realize you can’t leave the house to meet gigolos 

  8. Resize your fucking fonts 
  9. Light fires :) 
  10. Learn Morse code to communicate with the neighbors 
  11. Try not to confuse jacuzzi and yakuza, (you’d be in hot water with the Japanese mafia) 
  12. Stress-bake bread and perfect your sourdough until it’s maybe near good enough for Paul Hollywood to possibly shake your hand (just not right now) 
  13. Kick the party rockers out of your house tonight, no matter how small the group 
  14. Wash! Your hands! Correctly! 
  15. Watch your friends play Animal Crossing from your Switch™ friend’s list 
  16. Realize that the two bros in the hot tub were five feet apart not cuz they were not gay, but because they were practicing social distancing 
  17. Organize your collection of toilet paper 
  18. Pretend to try to make a Roots bowl in your house because you miss Pitt :( 
  19. Not the 20th thing
  20. Cut your own bangs

I met Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys in a back alley.

Brian_Wilson_(7314673472)_(tall)

By Eric Brinling

As I was walking down the street one day, I heard the unmistakable sound of several men singing harmonically in a sort of surf rock style. I did not know the song, as I am no huge Beach Boys fan, but I could easily identify the band from their distinct sound. I only wondered what they were doing in the middle of Oakland on a Tuesday night.

I followed the music, and came upon a dark back alley. Then the music stopped. It had been coming from a radio, leaned upon by a 77-year old man named Brian Wilson (of Beach Boys fame). I could not identify him immediately, as, after all, I am no huge Beach Boys fan, and it was also pretty dark, but I soon recognized him from his celebrated 1988 appearance in ABC’s Full House, in the episode when Danny and Jesse get in a fight over who gets to go see the Beach Boys in concert with DJ but eventually it works itself out because for some reason they all get to go up on stage and sing with them, despite being untrained musicians (with the exception of Jesse, who certainly deserved the spot on that
stage).

Anyway, here I was, walking down a dark alley with Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys standing before me. I asked him what he was doing here, in the middle of Oakland.

“God Only Knows,” he answered me, looking pensively off into the dark brick wall to his right. “Gettin’ Hungry,” he said, more to himself than to me. He took something out of his pocket, which I couldn’t make out in the darkness. He took a crisp bite out of it.

“What are you eating?” I asked.

“Vegetables,” he answered, and took another bite. I didn’t bother to ask him for specifics. I felt comfortable assuming it was a carrot. “Take a Load Off Your Feet,” he said to me, motioning towards a chair near to him.

I sat, and asked him how long he would be in the area.

“Here Today,” he said simply. Does that mean he would be gone tomorrow? Being no huge Beach Boys fan, I did not know.

He held out a vegetable of some kind to me, which again I could not see because of the dark. I took it and took a large bite out of it. “Is this a carrot?” I asked him, as I could not tell.

“Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” he said.

“So… it’s not a carrot?”

“Caroline, No,” he told me, shaking his head as if I were his student who had just answered a simple question incorrectly. Also, my name is not Caroline.

“What is it, then?”

“I Know There’s an Answer,” he told me, which did not help, because I also knew that there was an answer, he just wasn’t telling me. I remained silent for some time, and eventually he said, “Let’s Go
Away for Awhile.”

“What?” I asked him, “Where would we go? And why?”

“Salt Lake City,” he said, answering but one of my questions.

“I’m not going to Salt Lake City with you, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys,” I told him, and I got up to leave.

Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys sighed, and said, “I Should Have Known Better.”

As I left Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys’ alley, I thought to myself, “Wasn’t that a Beatles song?” Being no huge Beach Boys fan, I did not realize that the Beach Boys covered that particular song in their 1965 album The Beach Boys’ Party.

I passed by that same alley later that week. Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys was no longer there. Some say he’s still out there, offering college-aged men strange vegetables and a trip to Salt Lake City.