Why I Boycotted the Oscars this Year for the Third Time in a Row

oscar_statuettes

By Abby Stoudt

It’s Oscar season folks, and once again I boycotted the event. This was my third year in a row refusing to watch the Oscars. In my personal opinion, the Oscars haven’t been worth watching since 2017 when Trolls, the beloved DreamWorks animated film starring Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberlake, was nominated for best original song and then tragically lost to “La La Land.”

Sure, my opinions on Trolls may be “biased” because I first watched the movie during an “emotionally difficult” time in my life, but I don’t think that this information is relevant. Trolls is a heartwarming, emotional, life-changing movie. No other film franchise had the guts to try and do what Trolls did. What other movie would dare to make the world fall in love with those creepy 80’s toys? What writer would be bold enough to make a character in a children’s movie feel lifelong guilt for causing the death of their grandmother because they were singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler? What other director would choose to use the Gorillaz song “Clint Eastwood” to give background to a whole race of fantasy creatures? The answer is Trolls. They were daring enough to do all of these things and turn it all into a masterpiece, and yet didn’t win an Oscar.

Not to mention, the soundtrack goes off.

Other awards shows that I refuse to watch, after the tragedy of the 2017 awards season, are the American Music Awards, Annie Awards, Billboard Music Awards, Critics’ Choice Awards, Golden Globe Awards, Guild of Music Supervisors Awards, iHeartRadio Music Awards, Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, Satellite Awards, Saturn Awards, St. Louis Gateway Film Critics Association Awards, Teen Choice Awards, and the World Soundtrack Awards. In all, Trolls was nominated for 28 awards and only won 3 that season.

I do not boycott the Grammys, Hollywood Film Awards, or Hollywood Music in Media Awards, however, because all three rightfully awarded Trolls the accolades that it deserves. (It should be noted that for these three awards, Trolls won for “Can’t Stop the Feeling,” the song that lost to “City of Stars” in the 2017 Oscars.)

If the sequel to Trolls, Trolls: World Tour, is nominated for any awards in 2021, I will watch the awards ceremonies for every one of which Trolls is a nominee. I will resume watching any awards show from 2021 on if they give Trolls: World Tour an award, as if 2017 never happened.

Underrated Romantic Movies to Watch Before You Dump Your Significant Other

gnomeo-juliet1_wide-214b142a0300a299978e9636363e7de32d23c4a9-s800-c85

By the Writers of The Pittiful News

  1. Gnomeo and Juliet – Just as romantic as the original but with lawn gnomes! And they don’t die at the end! The old people fall in love at the end! I’ve seen it like 4 times and I don’t really remember anything else, but there’s a sequel!
  2. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel – He gets married in the movie, after proposing like 3 times.
  3. Coraline – Buttons? Push my buttons 😉
  4. Gattaca – If you don’t believe love exists, then why did Jerome throw himself into the incinerator so that Vincent could go into space? Also it’s produced by Danny Devito, the sexiest man alive.
  5. The Tea is Consent video – Consent is sexy!
  6. The Bee Movie – Every time watch I watch it, something gets faster. And every time we kiss I swear I can fly.
  7. The Cabinet of Dr Caligari – There’s a woman in there, I think?
  8. Sonic the Hedgehog – It comes out on Valentine’s Day. Your date doesn’t need to know that you’ll never love them as much as you love Sonic.
  9. Brother Bear – Just a good underrated movie, no romantic elements.

The Breadth of Life

By Eric Brinling

bread

You awake with a start. You were dreaming again, the same dream as always: you were meat, and everybody around you was also meat. This time, you made it all the way to college, even if you weren’t doing very well. But now you are awake, and you have to face reality. You aren’t meat at all. You’re bread.

You stretch out your loafy limbs and get bready for another day at the University of Pitaburg. You check your bread phone (which is a phone made of bread), to find that you overslept your alarm. You albready missed your first class (unless you wanted to be at yeast an hour late), and you would have to run to your second one. Serves you right for dreaming about being meat agrain! You don’t have time for breadfast, or for breadshing your teeth (which, it should be noted, are made of bread). You put on a dirty crust and rush out the door, breadpack in hand.

Your class is nearby, in the Cathedral of Loafing, the tallest edoughcational stack of bread in the western breadisphere. You arrive just in time to hear your breadfessor begin a particularly interesting lecture on the Hapsbread dynasty. After many centuries of intermarrying with the various royal families of Europe, you muse, it’s no wonder that they became inbread.

After class, you find yourself hungrain. You suddenly remember that you forgot to eat breadfast, but now it’s too late: it’s already loaf past twelve. You decide to roll right to lunch, so you go to your favorite spot on campus: Panera Bread.

When you arrive, your bread heart (which is a heart made of bread) skips a breadt. It’s her, the wobread you have been admiring from afar for months. You take a deep breadth. You can do this. You’re good looking. You’re funny. You’re bready to ask her out.

“I have a breadfriend,” she says, before you even get the chance to speak.

“Whaaat,” you say, trying to play it off, “you’re banana bread…”

But alas, she was having naan of it. You slink off in shame, and order your bread sandwich (which is a sandwich made of bread) for only a doughler and a few pumpernickels. You think back to your dream. You were meat then, and if you were meat now, this wouldn’t have happened. Meat doesn’t have feelings. Meat is lifeless and cold, until you grill it, at which point it becomes lifeless and hot. But meat cannot be hurt, meat cannot be rejected by more beautiful meat.

In your hubris, you had forgotten: bread is pain.

Pittiful Advice: I’m sad.

Hi sad, I’m dad.

But, in all seriousness, I’ll tell you my tried and true method of unsadifying myself. I smear myself entirely in peanut butter and roll in a pile of acorns. Then I get on a bus and go far, far away. People may stare, but that’s okay. Ignore them. When you get to the end of the bus line, find the nearest tree. Climb the tree. Feel the wind between the acorns. Make squirrel noises, and an army of squirrels will be at your beck and call. Let them carry you away on their furry backs to their squirrely kingdom, where there is no more pain, and no more sadness.

squirrel

Need help with a major life decision? Confused on how best to respond to that risky text? Write to our advice column at https://forms.gle/92Z8tgZvDnrE9go66

We ~might~ be able to ~guide~ you in the ~right~ direction!

Bathroom Renovations

By Eric Brinling

bathroom.jpg

I was on the second floor of the Cathedral of Learning, doing second floor sorts of things like wishing I was on the first or third floor, when, for the first time this month, I had to use the restroom. To my surprise I found the second-floor men’s restroom newly renovated, and I optimistically anticipated a quick and comfortable urination in luxury.

To my right upon entering there lay a long hallway of stalls. I longed to walk down that hall and try to creep people out by stopping in front of occupied stalls and putting my ear up against the door but… not today. No, I had business to attend to, and that had to take first priority (because, you see, it was #1).

So instead I turned to the left, and saw there were two hallways with urinals on one side, and sinks on the other. I was slightly disappointed that they didn’t renovate the urinals to just be one giant funnel in the floor, but I quickly overcame my disappointment and resolved to take the urinal farthest from the only other man who was in there, who had taken possession of the urinal closest to the entrance. But, as I reached the end of one of the hallways, I found another hallway, lined on one side with urinals and the other side with sinks, and sprinkled here and there was an air dryer. 

With my bladder full of pee and curiosity, I followed this new hallway, which then branched into another hallway, and another one after that. I thought maybe I should just use one of the urinals close at hand, but I steeled my resolve and ventured further. Then the hallways started branching into three, or four, or five different directions, and I was, by this point, truly lost, and for a moment I despaired. 

That was when I saw him: a man dressed all in yellow. He saw me and ran, and not knowing what else to do I gave chase. I followed him to a stairwell, where he climbed four steps at a time like a Chad while I could only manage two, and he quickly outpaced me. Nonetheless, I kept climbing. I lost count after some time, but I climbed exactly 487 floors, which is strange because I thought you couldn’t go higher than the 36th floor in the Cathedral.

I emerged at the top of the building, far above the clouds, and I collapsed from exhaustion. I saw the man in yellow, briefly, before he leapt into a funnel in the floor. That was when I knew what I must do. I stood up, unzipped, and peed into the funnel, providing Allegheny County rain for years to come.

Hail to Pigeon!: Fan Favorite Homecoming Pigeon Offered Pitt Football Scholarship

By Isaac Przybysz

pigeon

On October 26th, Pitt football squared off against Miami to cap off Homecoming Week, ultimately losing 16-12. However, the show was stolen by a certain pigeon that sat on the field and calmly went about its business as 22 three-hundred pound men threw a ball around and hit each other in its vicinity, much to the delight of the student section and ESPN cameramen. 

In light of the pigeon’s rise to Pitt stardom, the football program has decided to offer the bird a scholarship to play. Coach Pat Narduzzi liked what he saw from the pigeon.

“He’s a real tough player, that pigeon,” said Narduzzi. “Look how calm and composed he is in the heat of the game. He’s got the fundamentals. I’m impressed with his battle and grit on the field. Knows how to find the endzone, which he did more times than our entire team did on Saturday. He’s exactly the kind of player we want here, and of course we want to get a jump on recruiting. Can’t afford to lose star recruits to that other school in the center of the state.”

The student body is already overjoyed at this recruitment. Many students have already pre-ordered jerseys and t-shirts. Others have debated over nicknames for the pigeon, with the front runners appearing to be “Kenny Pigeon” and “Paris Bird”. Some students have even gone so far as to propose changing the school mascot to a pigeon.

“Panthers are old news, man. When have you seen one here anyway? Pittsburgh Pigeons has a pretty nice ring to it,” one excited student said. 

The excitement of the pigeon’s recruitment has stretched beyond campus and has shaken up the college football world as we know it. Upon the pigeon being added to Pitt’s roster, a CFP spokesperson has said that Pitt’s previous losses to Virginia, Miami, and Pitt Rejects are all “quality losses” that are “not indicative of Pitt’s current talent.” As a result, the CFP has decided to cancel ranks 2 through 25 entirely and place Pitt in the National Championship against Alabama.

The pigeon is clearly already a Pitt legend, surpassing the mediocre crop of Pitt alumni that includes busts such as Dan Marino and Larry Fitzgerald. The pigeon is a legend not just at Pitt, but in the sport of football.

How the Pittiful News is a cult right now

By Tyler Sikov

At the beginning of every meeting we are reminded that the Pittiful News is not a cult, but this is not true. The Pittiful News is a cult. Here are some reasons we are a cult:

  1. We meet at the same time every week
  2. We sometimes have people who stop showing up to meetings, and once they disgrace our group, they are never heard from again
  3. We aggressively advertise ourselves to others
  4. We have unorthodox opinions on things, such as our continuing discussion of if the sun is a soup
  5. We perform bi-weekly blood sacrifices to Gallaghator
  6. We have eccentric leaders
  7. We sit in a circle
  8. We entrap people into coming to future meetings with the promise of pickles, but we hardly ever deliver on our promise
  9. We have a weekly agenda written by our previously mentioned eccentric leaders, and this agenda is followed to the letter
  10. We welcome death like it is an old friend
  11. We scored a 100% on the International Cultic Studies Association’s “Is your organization a cult?” test and the Buzzfeed “Are you in a cult” quiz (and those are real)
  12. We are the first link that comes up when I google “cult”
  13. We chant these 13 “We’s” at the beginning and end of every meeting