Our favorite things that we have heard being said to retail workers

By the writers of The Pittiful News

Young Retail Workers | NIOSH | CDC
  • “If I just leave without paying will I go to jail”
  • “I have a bladder issue” the customer then proceeded to talk about her extensive list of surgeries she had had over the past 5 years in excruciating detail
  • “Crazy times out there” *chuckle*
  • “My wife left, do you know what aisle the singles are in?” (no laughter accompanied his question btw)
  • “You’re a baby” (upon hearing that I am 19 years old)
  • “Can I jump to the front of the line? I left my kid in the car and it’s a scorcher out there today.”
  • “The coin shortage is all a revenge plot constructed by the Democrats”
  • A man rambled to me for about 20 minutes about his experiences being a travelling panhandler while I made his latte and didn’t hear a single word he said
  • “So like, what does this drink do? Is any of that stuff even good for you?”
  • “Why do you make your store so frustrating to shop at?” 
  • “Did you guys already put the 5G in the bathrooms? Because my arm is tingly.” (the man was later ushered out by an ambulance, as he was suffering a heart attack.)
  • “Oh, you dropped out of Pitt’s Japanese program because it was hard? My daughter majored in it, she thought it was easy.”
  • “I have a gun”
  • “Are you in college? Where do ya go? Oh Pitt? Yeah its good. I went to Penn State.”
  • “How ‘bout them cowboys?”
  • I helped a woman bring a box to her car and the whole entire time she was telling me about her dead husband, once I got her to her car she tipped me 50 dollars
    • The box I was carrying contained her husband’s ashes and some of his items
  • One time I watched an old man pull his mask down to lick his fingers to hand me his money. In the middle of a pandemic.
  • “Are you one of Jessie’s friends? They’re always chatting on their phones.”
  • “[Statement has been redacted for being extremely racist AND zenophobic. I love Pennsylvania.]”
  • “Masks can’t save use, only the grace of god can, it sucks that I killed Zeus last year or maybe he could help”
  • “Is mayonnaise and instrument”
  • “If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn, send me away to the words of a love song”
    • The customer was Kimberly Perry
  • “Hello ma’am, are these mashed potatoes on sale” “Sir, those are Essence magazines, not mashed potatoes” “Oh, ok, thank you for your help” “Sir, I see you putting the magazines into your pants, sir you can not leave the store, Sir…”
  • (An old man probably over 60) “I like your little braids. Do you have brothers? I bet they like to tug on them.”
  • “You look like Taylor Swift”
  • “You look like Emma Stone”
  • (this guy was clearly 2 kids stacked on top of each other in a trench coat) “Hello, we would like to buy your finest expired grape juice” (second smaller voice)”it is called wine” (first voice again) “*clears throat* *lowers voice* i mean wine, 2 wine please”
  • 😼

Brad: a Love Story

By Sarah Yule

Wear Bright Colors If You Want A Tinder Date

I was fresh on the scene of Tinder when it happened.  Desperately swiping through Pittsburgh plugs to find my husband-to-be, I got a notification on Instagram.  Alarmed because I never use the app other than to hate-watch the feeds of Bella Hadid and the like, I clicked on the notification banner with fear in my heart.  As it turns out, I had reached a milestone in my journey to desirability: I may never match with a single soul on Tinder, but someone had finally slid into my DMs!

Sure that my Prince Charming was on the other side of this message thread, I sent a reply right away, before even really reading what he had written; his name was Brad, and that was enough for me.  I wrote something along the lines of “Hey there ;) wanna know what I’m wearing??” 

Then I read the message.

My basically-fiancee had initially sent me this: “Hi! I was wondering if you were willing to put your name down to back the red this November.”  And that was it.  No winky-face, no “u up?”.  Nothing.  Nada.  I had no butterflies in my stomach.  Just questions.  A metric fuck-ton of questions.  

First-off, was this Brad guy referring to the hammer-and-sickle type of “red” or the go-back-to-where-you-came-from kind?  The two are quite different, but I’m not sure I’d fancy romantic involvement with either, even at this juncture in my desperation.  Secondly, what on my feed would lead Mr. Brad to believe that I would in fact want to “back the red”?  Was it the pictures of my cats? If so, which ones? Which cat? I concluded that reading too far into Brad’s inquiry would open a can of worms that would kill any chance of romance between us, so I just kept up my side of the one-sided flirtation, saying “My roommate is away for the weekend ;))”.  You see, Brad was all about making the first move when it came to winning a vote on Nov. 3, but now that I was ready to go all-in for him, he was nowhere to be seen.  I called him out on this inability to commit and again, nothing in response.  

I was just about fed up with my communist/republican e-boyfriend at this point, and I went back to my DMs to break it off.  That was when I saw that Brad’s messages to me had disappeared.  Similarly, his account wouldn’t show up when I searched for it either.  Even worse, my WhitePages Premium search came up empty as well.  I guess my cyber-lover had come to terms with his hypocrisy and made the decision to deplatform himself.  I can only applaud that choice on Brad’s end, but I am left with the question of what could’ve been to ponder for the rest of my days.  I guess it’s back to Tinder for me, wish me luck!

My fantasy funeral is better than yours

By Sarah Yule

Stop Buying Into the Airlines' Bereavement Fare Mythology ...

So here’s the deal. You want to pretend that you’re invincible. I get it, we’ve all been there. But
you need to get with the times. 2020 has ushered in a pandemic, and with it came an elevated
awareness of our mortality. And if you’re anything like me, Covid-19 isn’t the only thing
tarnishing your perfect picture of human health; there’s an empty package of Oreo cookies on
your desk that is doing that just as well. (Pro tip: If you wear a mask in your own home, you
can’t eat oreos with nearly as much efficiency. It’s basically free weight loss, so mask up!) So
now is the time to sack up and start planning your funeral!
Think about it, nobody knows you like you do, and the funeral is basically the only party that you
are guaranteed an invitation to. With BonBon cracking down on large gatherings, your
post-mortem plans are all you have left.
I got my start in the fantasy funeral biz when I was seven. This sounds odd, I am aware. But
mind you, I was a strange kid with even stranger parents. My dad and I would pass the time on
road trips imagining our dream memorial services. (sidenote: Hello father, I hope you opened
the link that I sent you to this article. Tuition well spent, don’t you think?) Here are some of the
highlights of what we came up with over the years.

  1. My service will take place in a funeral home that doubles as a crematorium. This is
    crucial.
  2. As soon as I perish, I have notified all who are close to me to begin preparing a set.
    About 10 minutes in length, each friend and family member will stand at the front of the
    room and address the large portrait of me, which will be propped up ahead of time. They
    will make jokes about me with no holds barred: nose jokes, fat jokes, mentioning that
    one time I was caught in the act of trying to stuff a family-sized container of uncooked
    pillsbury halloween cookies under my bed sheet to “save for later”, all the good stuff.
    Nothing will be off-limits at the Grand Roast of Sarah Yule, and I have already warned
    those speaking that I will haunt them for eternity if they go easy on me. They will get the
    crowd going with increasing numbers of knee-slappers.
  3. By the time friend number 3 takes the stage, there won’t be a dry pair of pants in the
    viewing room. And if you are peeing, you probably aren’t crying, and this is the plan. It’s
    a celebration of life, after all!
  4. At the end of the roast, a creepy older gentleman will materialize from the back room.
    More specifically, the man will be carrying me in an urn, fresh with my ashes, which were
    being prepared during the first half of the service. At this point, the man will take the
    microphone and announce that I was being roasted, while I was being roasted. This is
    why it is of the utmost importance that I am memorialized in a space that includes a
    crematory. If you thought the crowd was laughing before, now they’re really going.
    People are wheezing, falling to the ground. A few might even die from the lack of
    oxygen brought on by such a whacky turn of events; I mean COME ON, it’s a double
    roast. You don’t see those everyday.
  5. After Party at Denny’s, need I say more?
  6. As guests walk out of Denny’s, they will receive a t-shirt that reads: “Sarah died, and all I
    got was this lousy t-shirt”. Very much tourist, very “I survived the Bermuda Triangle.”
    With these amazing plans for my funeral, it is hard not to look forward to doom. Fearing death?
    Plan your funeral! You’ll barely be able to wait.

Pat Narduzzi Arrested: Found Intoxicated, Wandering the Streets of South Oakland and Charged With Various Crimes Against Nature

By Evan Rafferty

Pittsburgh Panthers - American Football Wiki

    Reports from University of Pittsburgh police early Sunday morning disclosed that Pitt football head coach Patrick Regan Narduzzi was taken into police custody at around 3:45 AM, and was charged with public urination, excrement consumption, resisting arrest, first-degree scumbaggery, twelve counts of “actions detrimental to the honor and tradition of college football,” and just being a moron in general. Which, after an embarrassing stretch of performances including four straight losses suffered against the entire wolf population of North Carolina, Boston University, the University of Coral Gables, and an absolute annihilation at the hands of some French preachers from Cathédrale Notre-Dame de Paris, are not surprising infractions at all.

    Coach Narduzzi was made available for comment before spending the bye week in a dark, dank jail cell, thinking about what he did wrong. Unfortunately, most of the questions from reporters were not questions at all. Instead, the press conference quickly degraded into disgusting comments joking about what a stupid little dumb idiot Pat Narduzzi is, or how he is such a stupid idiot nerd, or how he’s so dumb and stupid, and annoying, and sucks at his job, or how I hate him, or how he looks like an ostrich, or how he’s too braindead to stop using power run with a 5’8” running back, or how he made me waste $25, four hours, and a piece of my soul to watch my poor panthers get curb stomped by a coterie of Catholics, or how his defense is so godawful that a white guy with the first name Ian carved his pride and joy up like a jack-o’-lantern. Please do keep in mind that all of these insults are unprofessional, not at all funny, and should never be repeated. I was able to get in a few completely unbiased questions amidst the chaos and general rioting of the crowd. Below is a direct transcript of the Q&A with Narduzzi.

Evan Rafferty (ER): “Alright Coach, this has obviously been a tough last month or so for your football team. It certainly could have gone better, but setbacks like this could be seen as an opportunity to bring out the best in players and people in general. That being said, what in the name of God was going through your head this time, and, follow up question, why are you so stupid?”

Patrick Narduzzi (NARD): “Alright, uh, yeah. Gimme a second to sober up here.” Narduzzi then did a set of pushups, took off his shirt, and threw up into a nearby trash can. “Football? Yeah, football. Basically, what happened was, things were going great, right? Just playin’ some football, guys being dudes, what could be better than that? Then, all of a sudden, this big old half-bald white guy standing next to me looks over and says-”

ER: “You’re referring to Mark Whipple, your offensive coordinator?”

NARDZ: “I don’t know, I don’t really pay attention to names and all that. I just shove a couple of bennies in some guys’ pockets and let ‘em goof off for a few hours every gameday. Not really my problem. Anyway, that nipple guy or whatever looks at me and is like ‘Hey, the game’s over. We lost, again.’ And then I look up at the scoreboard and I’m like, ‘Oh, shit, what?’ I don’t know how to read it anyway, but I see all the people in the other colors jumping up and down and celebrating, which I’ve learned is what people do when they win something.”

ER: “Wait, so, you can’t even read? How old are you?”

NARD: “That’s an off-topic question, shut up and let me finish. Basically, I forgot to score more points than the other team. It’s that simple. I trusted all these nerds that I hired to remind to score more points and I guess they just didn’t tell me. Then I ask for a score check and some dweeb next to me tell me we’re down by forty-two. Like, what the hell, right? So then, after the Notre Dame game, my wife doesn’t let me in the house, and I have to drag my ass all the way back to my mom’s place just to have her make fun of me for an hour and a half. It’s not fair, you know? So after the fifth or sixth round of her telling me to get my act together, and kick the bath salts addiction, I packed up my stuff and made plans to crash at my boy Brad’s place in South O for the weekend. Apparently, I had a couple more Appletinis than I could handle before I got there and the next thing I remember is pissing in the Schenley Memorial Fountain and some sirens going off behind me. I guess having to take a leak is a crime now. It’s nature!”

ER: “So, what are you going to do now? Will you retain your position as the head coach of Pitt football?”

NARD: “Oh, obviously. Those geezers up at the AD’s office are paying me over $4,000,000 to lose to Boston College every year. You’re stuck with me unless I’m dragged out of Heinz Field and shot.” 

ER: “As tempting as that sounds, you don’t think that you might be on the hot seat after you’ve disappointed and underachieved for the last five years? Maybe with your severance package, you can give me back my $25, pay for my hospital bills after I broke both of my hands from beating the devil out of the poor chair in front of me every third down, and bribe your wife to let you back in the big house instead of crashing with Brad every weekend and spending your Sunday mornings too plastered to even attempt to become literate.”

NARD: “What the- Who the hell are you, anyway?”

In fear of attracting the attention of the security guards, and the potential that my poorly put together Pittiful News press pass that I had to pay seven of my hard-earned cents to print might be discovered as a fake, I was forced to flee into the vents of the police station and make my escape back into the safety of the darkness.

    Let this tale serve as a message to all those who stand with Narduzzi and his plans to destroy the sanctity and extensive tradition of Pitt football from the inside- I will be waiting. Once Heather Lyke returns all of my phone calls, emails, texts, love letters, and fruit basket messages, you’re all as good as gone. #FireNarduzzi, and, as always, hail to Pitt.

What we are going to Wish for on the Wishbone this Thanksgiving

By the writers of the Pittiful News

85 best Snoopy images on Pinterest | Peanuts characters ...
  • Happiness 
    • I’d settle for any emotion though. I just want to feel something. 
  • Herlock Sholmes
  • Stockholmes Syndrome
  • Riverdale to be cancelled  
  • For shifting realities to be real so I can live out my script of living in a suburb of Las Vegas with my problematic fav, Brendon Urie 
  • For them to make really good vegetarian chicken wings that taste like the real thing. I miss chicken wings.  
  • To be able to have had my gay awakening at a Lizzo concert 
  • Mom and Dad to stop fighting  
  • A Spencer Reid spinoff series
  • All I want for Thanksgiving is you
  • Parents that are down for a ketamine hole 
  • Someone to hold my hand  
  • Someone who understands me
  • A coronavirus vaccine in the form of a chewy vitamin
  • Doc martins to go out of style and easy slip on slip off shoes to come back 
  • Wish for more cats like I do every year
  • Wish that less turkeys will die next year
    • This wish will be made on a tofurky bone
  • Good food, Thanksgiving food sucks, I need some actually good food or I will die, and you will die with me
  • Soup, I am a simple man, with simple needs, I just want soup.  
  • For Bella Hadid to stop existing so I can go back to being happy
  • A cool pair of socks :) 
  • Everyone to stop aggressively hating my doppelganger, Joey King for no reason. I can’t help but take it personally. 
  • Canned peas, not warmed
  • For Joe Biden to respond to my request to interview him
  • To wrestle with Dwayne the Rock Johnson
  • Help on my math homework, i need to get my scientific calculator say more funny non boob related words
    • 455 looks like *ss
  • For society at large to realize that calories are a social construct and definitely not a unit of energy involved in the laws of thermodynamics
  • To find $15 dollars in my coat pocket  
  • A dealer to fall in love with me so I don’t have to pay for oui’d 
  • Less gun deaths, idk guys that was a throwaway
  • My final papers to be written for me as I just look at my phone for 6 hours a day instead of putting in any effort at all
  • J.K. Rowling to stop being a transphobe so I can openly enjoy Harry Potter again. 
  • For our reptilian overlords to put us out of our collective misery
  • For people to stop believing that we are ruled by reptilian overlords. 
  • For less militias to patrol the streets so we can go back to the good old days of gang violence.  
  • For men to stop waking up and choosing violence 
  • The trial of Will Scheuster to finally happen. He must pay for his sins. 
  • Another wishbone
    • With which I will wish for another
      • And another
        • And another
          • And so on
            • Forever
              • Best wish ever
  • Gen-z to shut up about how great gen-z is. 
  • Charli to reach 100 million followers on tik tok. Idk I’m just rooting for her. 
  • A meghan trainor christmas album…wait, that wish came true! A Very Trainor Christmas is now available on all streaming platforms. 
  • A real life cat girl 

I committed voter fraud in 2016

By Lord Tyler Sikov

VIDEO : BUSTED! Vegas Hillary Staff Caught on Hidden ...

               So, you might be thinking why is he being so open about this, that is a federal offence. But I am telling you all this because I trust you. Also, I have publicized many other treasonous acts, so if they are coming to get me, they will do it one way or another. I will start with that, yes, I did illegally cast 2 votes in the 2016 election. During that election I was not old enough to vote for real, so I had to get creative with how I got alone time with one of those sweet voting machines. In the past when I had committed voter fraud, I went to the polling location with my parents and while there I pretended to play with those fake voting machines. While I played with those toys, I provided enough of a distraction for me to signal my ninjas without anyone noticing.  Comically, I voted for then host of the Celebrity Apprentice, a show I executive produced at the age of 8, Donald Trump, 7 times in 2008. At that time, I thought he was just a goofy guy who was friends with my favorite magician Penn Gillette. I could have never expected that after receiving only 7 votes, he would decide to run for president 8 years later. In 2012, before I realized the power my illegal votes held, I voted for a different candidate for president. I voted 39 times for ISIS, and I realize now that based on my previous success at guessing future candidates, I should have been more careful. I apologize for my past indiscretions.  So, I decided I would make up for it in 2016 when Trump announced his run after sending me a letter thanking me.

               In 2016 I went to two separate polling locations to make sure all of my illegal votes were counted equally. The first polling location I went to was well guarded, to get in and vote I had to answer a few riddles such as: what is your name, can you sign here, what is 3 times 6, “I run but never walk and I have a bed but never sleep”, what is your voter registration number. I just answered “river” for all of these questions, which confused the poll watchers but they guessed that turning river into numbers would give them my voter registration number. This worked because many years prior I had murdered someone named river and assumed their identity for the purpose of voting in this election. I got through and stole the voting block key thing and voted twice for: Donatello the ninja turtle (President), Yertle the turtle (Vice President), The tortoise who beat the hare (Governor, he lost to Tom Wolf, so I still got an animal elected), and Crush from finding Nemo (Australian ambassador).

               Once I left that polling spot, I knew I would need help to pull off my next mission. So, I pulled some strings with my contacts in the many Narco states to our south and got myself a lot of Latin American Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, mafia members, and other assorted rapists, criminals, and good/bad hombres to help me with my task. We all went to a polling place and I used the skills I picked up at hypnotism camp to have the workers and voters let us pass and cast our votes. All said and done, we cast over 3 million votes for Hillary Clinton. I then sent an email to Trump to inform him that I brought a bunch of illegal immigrants to vote for his opponent and he thanked me for giving him a scapegoat to blame if he lost.

               In the most recent election, the 2020 Presidential election, I voted only once. As I am now old enough to vote legally, I decided I would hang up my voter fraud suspenders, yes I was wearing suspenders this whole time, rethink what you imagine a felon who casts illegal votes looks like. I plan to pass on my skills of disrupting the democratic process to my kids one day, but until then, I suppose I will live under either the radical socialist government the Right seems to think will happen or the barely change government under Biden that the Left envisions. Also, if you live in Georgia remember to vote in this upcoming runoff, I would never try to influence who you vote for, just don’t let it be a turtle, any other animal is ok, there are already too many turtles in the senate.

What the Writers of The Pittiful News did in this historic week we just had:

By the Writers of The Pittiful News (Try to match the activity to the writer, hint, some are easier than they seem)
Sun-Maid Box Of Natural California Raisins 340g - from RedMart
  1. Made the granola bar equivalent of a brick by not reading and following the recipe
  2. Ate lo mein in the rain 
  3. Nearly passed out from cry laughing so violently at Dean Winchester’s reaction to Castiel’s confession
  4. Watched all three seasons of Scream Queens with zero minutes of sleep betwixt the episodes 
  5. Watched as a Husky and a Corgi attempted to make sweet sweet love in the middle of Schenley Plaza.  I simply could not look away.  
  6. Attended Ann E. Cudd’s rager last weekend. Girl is a beast at pong.
  7. Kissed the woman who complimented my glasses at work passionately
  8. I went to a halloween party held by my church group. At this party a friend of mine did not want to participate in the festivities for fear that it would be considered demon worship. This was unfortunate because I really needed more people to help me complete the circle for the demon worship I was planning. I at least got a virgin sacrifice out of her :)
  9. Made a new sad Spotify playlist to celebrate the new Sam Smith album and then created an even sadder, more concentrated playlist of despair that contains only the 3 saddest bops of Sam Smith’s new album and A Whole New World from Aladdin.  
  10. Tested positive for covid after licking all of my dearest friends ;)
  11. Put all of my cool sweaters back in storage because some freak decided to make it 75 degrees in November
  12. Found Hillman Library
  13. Suffered a debilitating mental breakdown upon the realization that I have to live with my parents again for two months
  14. I crushed my astronomy essay. Literally, it came to life and tried to escape to space. I cast a spell to make it come to life, but I was naive enough to think that made me its master. They stole my laptop and began hacking into NASA to determine where the nearest space port was. My essay, Essme (yes you need to name them), found a space shuttle and took off. The topic of this essay was a journey to mars, and detailed the flight path, what pilots would do on the long trek, and how to fly the rocket. Thus Essme had all they needed to escape my clutches. When I determined this I knew that I had to catch them before they could pass the moon, so I built my own rocket ship. Luckily, i knew all of the info in the essay i was writing so i was prepared. I beat Essme to the moon and I used the giant magnets I brought to pull their ship out of flight, then I used a car crusher to crush Essme. As they lay in my arms, wrinkled and destroyed Essme told me they loved me and apologized for the trouble they had caused me. I apologized to them as well, told them I loved them too, and as is tradition, I placed them gently inside of an envelope and licked it sealed, knowing that I had sealed the kindest and most amazing soul I had ever known inside, never to see them again. Luckily, i passed my essay with flying colors because my professor saw me build a rocket and fly to the moon, proving that i understood what a space flight required. 
  15. I sheltered in place like I was supposed to do, cause I make money moves. While inside I sent in my mail in ballot for our new WAP (White Ass President). I then went to the year 3000, everybody lived underwater, and your great great great granddaughter was doing fine, until I infected her with Corona, I guess COVID-3000 is going to be a real hit.
  16. Picked up my free coffee at wawa <3




Writers

  1. Rick Moranis
  2. Joseph Raisinet Biden the 46th 
  3. Benedict Cumberbuns
  4. Wendy from Wendy’s
  5. Abby Stoudt
  6. Evan Rafferty
  7. Sarah Yule
  8. Tyler Sikov
  9. Savannah Teman
  10. Abby Morgan
  11. Eric Brinling
  12. One of the California Raisins
  13. My cousin Kyle
  14. Giant Eagle’s President of Marketing
  15. Papa John
  16. Another one of the California Raisins
 

Who to Vote For if You Hate the Two Party System

By the writers of The Pittiful News

Parties to vote for down ballot:

  • The Green Party
    • Outlaw all colors other than green, categorize littering as an act of eco terrorism, and force all citizens to wear green contacts
  • The Progresso Party
    • Soup for all, all for soup 
  • The Party City Party
    • Make America Lit Again, nobody parties for less
  •  The Darty Party
    • Make booze a fundamental human right, make pong the next great American pastime
  • The Whig Party
    • A classy group of older gentlemen who wanted to feel alive again, both in political spirit and new hair.
  • The Party Rock Anthem
    • In favor of shaking, shuffling, and just having a good time. Also pro-fracking, for some reason.
  • The Democratic Party
    • I don’t know, they like democracy, I guess. Isn’t that a little out of touch these days? Kind of a boring name. 
  • The Golfing Par-Tee
    • Fore score and seven years ago, the Golfing Par-Tee was founded to rid the United States of bogies and make it safe again for the birdies. Supports changing the national bird from an eagle to an albatross.
  • The Donner Party
    • Travel across the United States. Eat each other. What’s not to love?
  • The Bull Moose Party
    • Own big sticks and talk quietly 
  • The Youth International Party
    • Called the Yippies, they were active in the election of 1968 with their stellar candidate, Pigasus the Immortal, a 145-pound domestic pig. Famously ran on the slogan, “If we can’t have him in the White House, we can have him for breakfast.” While they have not been active since, I want them back. Please.
  • Orange Soda Party
    • Similar mission as Jonestown but with orange soda this time
  • Ryan’s party
    • You show up at the wrong house and play settlers of catan with the least cool kid in school, but at least you get snacks (gluten free, vegan, nut free, sugar free, and with no added narcan) 
  • Margaritaville Party
    • The only time is 5:00 PM, drinking and relaxing is mandatory B-)

Write in candidates for the races you don’t understand:

  • Flo
    • Runs on a progressive platform, big on insurance
  • Ivana Tinkle
    • Campaign speeches consist only of half-baked puns.  
  • Any turtle
    • The plan is to just steal a turtle and make it the president, turtles can live very long and nowhere does it say that the president must be human
  • Joe Mama
    • Is a pretty immature candidate and wants to re-fund the football department
  • Deez Nuts
    • Got em
  • Mr. Whiskertons
    • Wants to require naptime every other hour by law. Needs someone else to bring his food on a platter, pre-mushed
  • Papa John
    • Has learned a lot from his recent scandals and is ready to take on DC.  Note: he is sponsored by Little Ceasars
  • Donald Trump
    • That goofball businessman from that show “The Apprentice.” Wouldn’t it be really funny if that guy was president of the United States? Wouldn’t it?
  • Billy Joel
    • It’s 5 o’clock on a Tuesday, the masked crowd shuffles in hoping to vote for someone who does not outlaw music.
  • Paula Deen
    • Raised on dirt roads and sweet tea, Paula Deen is running a platform centered around free speech; she’s been really bored since the Food Network days
  • The long lost 5th Green brother Carlos
    • Is currently openly bisexual and will make bi erasure punishable by banishment, supplies the country with lesbian aunt style pants and gay old man sweaters, will start lid-con a convention based around sharing lids with your friends from around the world
  • Tilda Swinton and Mathew Perry
    • They will fight to the death to determine who will win the race they are in

sUggestions For activIties To Do On halloween If You don’t want To Get covid

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

  1. Get dressed up and sit on your xl twin bed and call your mom and cry.  
  2. Virtual trick or treating. Don’t ask how it works.
  3. Drop out of college to scare your parents!
  4. Come to the Cathedral lawn and take one (1) instagram photo with Pittiful News writer Sarah Yule so her parents will think she made friends at college this semester.  Wear a mask, vigorous use of the Facetune “reshape” tool before posting is required. 
  5. Watch “Jonas Brothers: The Tale of the Haunted Firehouse” and make a Pinterest board dedicated to the JoBros’ TV dad.  If time is an issue, here’s the link to mine:  Link
  6. Disinfecting candy you bought from target  
  7. Sit.
  8. Stay.
  9. Good boy. 
  10. Get violently drunk with the dude who sleeps next to the dunkin on forbes 
  11. Use a ouija board to open up a portal to the demon world because maybe there’s no social distancing there. 
  12. Participate in Panther central’s fun virtual halloween activities! (SIKE nobody does those)
  13. Go on tinder. It’s scarier than any horror movie. 
  14. Make your own “haunted” house: it is as easy as just putting up a few spider webs and using some glitter!
  15. Make your own haunted house: kill someone!
  16. Make a list of your favorite forms of frozen potatoes.  It’s like a gratitude list but it’ll make your loved ones ask if you’re alright.  And you’ve been hoping they would.  Happy Halloween!
  17. Get all gussied up in your guise, take one selfie for your instagram, then take it off.
  18. Recreate your favorite scene from your favorite horror movie! I like the part from The Shining with that old lady in the bathtub. I’ll be Jack Nicholson, who wants to be my better half?
  19. Fall in love with a handsome small town stranger who works at the lodge you just inherited from a distant cousin.
  20. Talk to a girl. Spine tingling!
  21. Make a diy potion that’s actually just lean 
  22. A jungle juice-esque concoction of melting together candy corn, Twizzlers, raisins, and Svedka.
  23. Take shots until you are ok with hooking up with your roommates; I am looking at you Stella, we should play this just the 2 of us
  24. Remind all of your friends to vote! If you don’t, there will be consequences.
  25. Chow down on some edibles, but it’s actually just regular Nerds Rope. They have pretty much the same effect.
  26. Listen to One Direction’s complete discography (It only takes 5 hours and some change) and think about how you will never be able to feel the feelings you felt when you heard those songs for the first time.  Also sob about Zayn leaving.  You and I both know you aren’t over it.  
  27. The presence of death annihilates all that is imaginary. We are the offspring of death and death delivers us from the tantalizing, fraudulent attractions of life; it is death that beckons us from the depths of life. If at times we come to a halt, we do so to hear the call of death… Throughout our lives, the finger of death points at us.
  28. Read a spooky book! Might I recommend Bram Stoker’s Dracula, or Astrid Lindgren’s Pippi Longstocking?
  29. Redownload Wattpad. Or, more likely if you’re on our site reading this article, just open the app.  You never deleted it, and that’s okay! HarryxLouis fanfics are a timeless artform.  
  30. Reminisce about the time when the world turned against Taylor Swift and chose team Kanye; terrifying!
  31. gnjnuj;aevbfdmnlk vfv
  32. Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear satan, happy birthday to you.
  33. Watch the office for the like a hundredth time this month
  34. Go on Omegle; think of all of the unexpected penises as jumpscares in a haunted house!
  35. Cower in the corner, for you feel so alone, and the truest fright of all is that you will die without anybody to grieve your passing.
  36. If you want a really scary costume idea, dress up as your 7th grade self. 
  37. Watch Glee! Nothing says horror quite like Matthew Morrision singing the thong song.  
  38. Leave the cute boy in your calc class’ halloween party in tears because he got back together with his ex, who you just became friends with. This is exceptionally upsetting because she promised to help you get with him. Next, tearfully run to meet up with your two artsy outcasts friends who are watching a horror movie in their garage and accidentally scare them when you walk in. Tell them what happened and devise a plan to take down the head plastic of your high school. 
  39. Sing pop country so all your friends will leave you
  40. Eat last years halloween candy that you hid so that thief ROBIN URCANDY would not steal it

Suggestions for what to do if you want to get covid

  1. Go to Brad’s makeout party and kiss Stacy, she is a medical miracle as she has gotten mono multiple times

How I’ll Be Spending My Shelter-in-Place

By Sarah Yule 

How to Build the Ultimate Blanket Fort in 2020 | Blanket fort, Sleepover  room, Tent kids room

If you had the sense to mute your Outlook notifications this past Monday, you may have missed the news that we Pitt students are “strongly encouraged” to shelter in place about two weeks prior to going home for Thanksgiving. As can be said for many aspects of this Flex@Pitt dystopia, this recommendation can feel a tad yucky. Who wants to spend the last fourteen days of living under the rule of the benevolent and all-powerful Kenny BonBon and Pitt’s very own Galligator within the four walls of their teeny dwelling? We should be out and about, sowing our wild oats from one dirty South O basement to the next. But alas, we find ourselves here, and I have taken up the task of gifting you some advice on what you can do to make your shelter-in-place less depressing. 

1. For all my freshman, maybe you took the Freshman-15 as an obligatory sprint instead of a lightly suggested marathon. Maybe you, say, blew all of your dining dollars on pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream at Market to Go and have resorted to using your debit card these past weeks. Maybe, just maybe, the workers in said Market to Go know you and give you the same sad look when you check out with said Ben & Jerry’s ice cream pint on a near-daily basis. All of this is hypothetical, and I am totally not speaking from experience. So, now is the time to turn it around. Okay, I know, it is not possible nor healthy to embark on a total weight loss overhaul with mere days left in the semester. But, if you get off at the Gain Train’s next stop, you can ensure that this Thanksgiving of comments like “Wow, you really grew up!” is the last of its kind. 

2. Read that book that you told yourself you were going to read. It’s been sitting on your desk as a reminder of your failure to stick to anything and to leave it there would be letting that book win. What’s my shame book, you may ask? It’s a self-help read sent to me by my father following my first tearful phone call home in August when I couldn’t figure out how to get the dryer to start. While the book doesn’t directly deal with the function of laundry apparatuses, I’d assume it must have something useful to offer me. So, I will be delving into that sucker come November 12th. 

3. Call your friends from your hometown and prepare to make all of this shelter-in-placing for naught. You’ve been away from these people for months, so logically that extra week before Thanksgiving has to include a large gathering with half of your graduating class. Sure, it’ll put everyone around you in danger, but a life not lived on the edge is hardly worth living. 

4. Walk (six feet away from all human life forms) around campus and say a quick goodbye to all of your favorite spots. Much to my chagrin, I do have to advise you not to actually kiss the structures you’re bidding adieu to; I love a good building as much as the next guy, but these are unprecedented times, folks. I plan on washing my hands one last time in the definitely-haunted bathroom on the third floor of Cathy. I’ll get my last large iced coffee with almond milk and pumpkin swirl from the Forbes Ave Dunkin. Lastly, I will eat my last order of Sarah’s signature shame lo mein from Schenley Plaza’s Asia Tea House. That goodbye will undoubtedly be the most heartbreaking.

Once you’ve done all of these things, you’ll be perfectly ready to go back to your hometown. I wish you luck, and look forward to seeing you crying as I pass you on your very own farewell tour of Pitt’s campus over the coming weeks.