Real Telemarketer calls we have gotten

By the writers of The Pittiful News

Image result for telemarketer
  • Contact tracers again… apparently I was “exposed” to “someone” with “COVID”.  Not falling for that shit. How do they know my friend who recently tested positive? He must have put them up to this.  
  • Bird Watches. Watches for birds.
  • Offers to sell me back my own liver at a markup.
  • The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound.  Remember to run in a straight line,and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
  • 1-800-588, 2300, EMPIIIIIIRE
    • (Today!)
  • Presidential Alert System: THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed.
  • Are you afraid of the concept of cats with swords for limbs? If so, please press 1.
  • Jehovah’s witnesses CALL now! I was so very pleasantly surprised that Covid safety was being held at such a high priority.
  • “I’m helping to conduct a survey. Would you mind answering a few questions? Yes? Great! First, am I gonna die?”
  • Your computer has a virus, and only I can cure it– for a low, low price of 500 dollars US exclusively in Apple Store gift cards.
  • We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
  • “Hello, this is the pole lickers fan club, may we speak to Lord Tyler”, “This is he”, “We are huge fans of your work, can you come lick some poles near us”, “I can lick street poles, people from Poland, or any of your local polling places” “All of the above please”
  • “If you like piña coladas, and gettin’ caught in the rain”
  • Some dweeb keeps calling me and saying he works for the “IRS” and I’m being “audited.” What does that even mean, Idiot Rescue Services? If you fall for a scam like that you’re really just bringing it upon yourself.
  • Dear Gabriella, you have been randomly selected to participate in a student satisfaction Web survey of undergraduate students at the University of Pittsburgh. As a token of our appreciation for your efforts, we will enter you into a drawing for one of four iPad minis. The winners will be chosen after the survey is completed. By participating in this survey, you can let the University know what you think about your educational experiences and the quality of campus life. This will provide us with valuable insight as to how to improve services for present and future students. 
    • My name isn’t Gabriella.
  • “Would you be interested in donating your legs, toes and/or other body parts to children in need?” -a call from a guy who sounded suspiciously like the Winklevoss twins from The Social Network.
  • Hello my name is David and I am looking for a friend. Will you be my friend? Please?
  • “Do you find yourself struggling to finish your homework and find motivation for your online classes? Lmao, same”
  • Sometimes I get random ones in chinese but I don’t know any chinese (just imagine I wrote this in chinese).
  • Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture.  Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture.
  • Hello this is a hitman agency. We will take out Tyler Sikov for free, if you so desire.
  • “Hey, this is your boss calling, again. You still haven’t come in and it’s been five days. If you skip work again so you can spend more time on Reddit, we are gonna fire you.”
  • Hey Jessie 
  • 01785 276126, they called me to tell me I had died.
  • Affirmative. The target is in sight.
  • Hello, it’s me, I’ve been wondering if, after all of these years, you’d like to meet, to go over everything, they say time heals you but I haven’t done much healing. 
  • Hey girlboss! Are you tired of your 9-5? Do you wanna create your own schedule on your own terms? Well, I can show you how by selling tacky leggings! It’s so simple and easy and definitely financially sound.  
  • A very nice man from Nigeria asked me to wire him some dollars US.
  • Gently used and refurbished casket salesman. You wouldn’t think that would be a booming industry, but apparently a lot of folks opt for cremation at the last second.  
  • Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS, and I’m new in town.
  • Baby shoes for sale. Never worn, but they could be soon! What size are your baby’s feet?
  • HI NUMBER NEIGHBOR!!!! MY NAME IS— *click*
  • Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. 
  • Hello, how are you? Have you been alright through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights?
  • Hey! How you feelin’? Are you still the same? Don’t you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream? I just can’t believe they’ve all faded out of view. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh.
  • Hot Singles In My Area??? Yes Please!
  • Excuse me yes hello I am looking for an companion would you be interested in having a sugar daddy? 
  • Jolene? Jolene. Jolene! Jolene! I’m begging of you please don’t take my man. 
  • Hey what’s up you guys? Yes! Welcome back to my channel. Today’s video is sponsored by naturebox. Naturebox is—
  • Hot dog, fall out of bun, into sewer drain
  • “Hello, is this the esteemed Lord Tyler” “Yes, yes this is”, “Hello, we found that you are entitled to a stake in the queen’s fortune when she dies.” “Oh yes, that makes sense as I am a lord.”, “We already have your bank routing number, we will send you the money once she passes.” “Thank you.”, “Oh, one more thing, we’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty–”
  • “Yes I like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain…”
  • “I’m the Viper, I have come to Vipe your vindows”
  • “Achoo” “Achoo” 
    • I got this one at 2 am, a cold caller at that hour
  • “Hello, Lord Tyler, this is your ex-husband’s divorce attorney, Max Smith esq., we have reason to believe that you have murdered your ex, we understand that he sucked, I mean the only reason we kept him around was for the money, so I don’t blame you, but, your child support is still due for the 17 deer he purchased and convinced the Supreme Court of the United States are legally his biological children.
  • “Hi sweetie, this is your grandmother.” “Shut up you old hag, stop calling me!”
    • This was not a telemarketer, I just hate my grandmother
  • hto dog (sic)
  • FBI open up
  • Job interview for telemarketing position

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