By the Writers of the Pittiful News

• I will remain alone. 
• Dean Bonner will unhinge his jaw like a snake and eat Provost Ann Eggbert Cudd. 
• J.K. Rowling will announce that Hogwarts was based off of The University of Pittsburgh.
• I will eat another cactus.
• I will kill another cactus. 
• I will expand my parameters on Tinder. Age? Location? Gender? We’ll see.   
• TikTok will sponsor the entire Pitt Theater Department.
• My parents will love me.
• The Power of Pitt signs will stay safe and unmolested for the entire year.
• Roc will find love and retire to start a family.
• I’ll find a new use for my now-empty under-the-bed wine cellar (it’s a storage tote).
• I will be able to successfully count all the dots on my ceiling.
• I might actually wear that dress I bought before COVID.
• Mr. Sir His Highness Dean Bonner will continue to go on his “safety walks” and “gather feedback” from “students”. I bet half of the people he’s talking to don’t even go here! 
  • Drop the names, Kenyon!!!!
• That one spot on Forbes will continue to smell absolutely rancid.  
• Upperclassmen may not be able to make rent due to the lack of freshmen partying.
• Your Tinder date will go badly. 
• 90% of freshmen will get overcharged for weed. 
• You will save up your dining dollars only to be sent home in two months and never be able to use them again.
• Eric will be paid generously for his hard work here at the Pittiful News.
• It will turn out that your college experience was merely a very long dream you had during a coma you went in during high school– all of that knowledge you have accumulated is literally just dreamy nonsense.
• I will be happy, finally. Right guys? Right? 
• The panther statue will become a COVID superspreader. 
• My illegal hamster will join the Cathy Club.
• Maybe I’ll learn how to cook.
• I will fall asleep in the arms of my beloved. (This could be difficult as I buried them two months ago after I successfully became a widower.)
• Tyler will learn to spell words with two or more syllables.
  • It is Lord Tyler to you.
• My third album will go platinum. 
  • It had Kelly Clarkson.
• We will live underwater.
• Your great great great granddaughter is doing fine.
• Lord Tyler will fake his own death anywhere from 6 to 30 more times.
• I will dye my hair red in a 3AM caffeine-induced panic attack and cover it up by claiming someone was murdered in my shower.
• Flex at Pitt becomes the name of Pitt’s new Department of Yoga Studies.
• Flex at Pitt will become rigid.
• I will spend all of my money at Dunkin’ after promising not to. 
• I will continue to lie, cheat, and steal my way through online classes. Sike haha don’t show the department boards this. 
• The COVID vaccine will have the unexpected side effect of herpes. 
• I will download Dark Zoom for my illegal, bad boy classes. 
• President Biden will abdicate his throne to the My Pillow Guy.
• Groundhog Day will be cancelled due to lack of people caring.
• Groundhog Day (1993) (film) will be cancelled because of some super scandalous goings-on with Tom Hanks and Bill Murray.
• I will have to take a tinkie winkie or a stinkie winkie and I will do it in my sinkie winkie.
• Another COVID vaccine will come out and be like downloading knowledge from the Matrix.
• I will send Ann E. Cudd’s emails to spam. Cutting out toxic people in 2021.
  • Preach Sister.
• Same problem, different pandemic. Once the masks go by the wayside, condoms will follow suit. Patient zero? Roc the Panther.
• Amazon will dominate.
• The Perch employees will get mad at me and I will cry. 
• I will cry more often, and my tears will be far more powerful.
• I will find you.
• The “es hora de comer” guy will admit to four counts of homicide and subsequent cannibalism.
• Pitt will finally open up their definition of clubs to include cults and sketchy religious organizations.
• The alt kids will start unironically wearing JoJo Siwa merch around campus.
• Even in a global pandemic, the members of the Cathy Club will increase tenfold. Do not underestimate the power of horny freshmen. 
• Dean Bonner will send out an email proclaiming that he is “very disappointed in us”.
  • The Pittiful News will parody said email.  
• I will finally get the spoon I lent to a friend back.
• This club’s name will change.  
• I will finally get up the courage to come out as pro-beastiality so I can ask out my crush, Galligator. 
• Miraculous LadyBug season 4 will come out.
• People, places, and things will happen.
• Roc will star in a porno for meth money. It will be his Roc bottom.
  • Aptly entitled “Roc’s Bottom”.
• Maybe I’ll pay the dues (just maybe).
• I will burn out halfway through and abandon all of my commitments and blame it on Zoom. Again. 
• I will finally get the bagels on a stick that Tbo promised me back when iCarly was on the air.
• Cottagecore Club.
• Forty leprechaun-sized men will hijack the Cathedral of Learning and fly it to the moon.
• I’ll spend a tuition’s worth of money at the Forbes Chipotle– if they can get orders ready fast enough.
• I will hide away the spoon I “borrowed” from a friend so they never find out I used it to eat peanut butter from the jar.
• The sixth Jonas Brother will be revealed. 
• The Czechoslovak Nationality Room will be replaced by the E-Girl Room. 
• The Pittiful News will change their name. (again)
• A group of friends, in some Pitt dorm, somewhere will pledge to start a podcast that nobody will listen to.  
• The fifth Jonas Brother will succumb to the same STD as Roc did. 
• People will finally start listening to my podcast.