Who to Vote For if You Hate the Two Party System

By the writers of The Pittiful News

Parties to vote for down ballot:

  • The Green Party
    • Outlaw all colors other than green, categorize littering as an act of eco terrorism, and force all citizens to wear green contacts
  • The Progresso Party
    • Soup for all, all for soup 
  • The Party City Party
    • Make America Lit Again, nobody parties for less
  •  The Darty Party
    • Make booze a fundamental human right, make pong the next great American pastime
  • The Whig Party
    • A classy group of older gentlemen who wanted to feel alive again, both in political spirit and new hair.
  • The Party Rock Anthem
    • In favor of shaking, shuffling, and just having a good time. Also pro-fracking, for some reason.
  • The Democratic Party
    • I don’t know, they like democracy, I guess. Isn’t that a little out of touch these days? Kind of a boring name. 
  • The Golfing Par-Tee
    • Fore score and seven years ago, the Golfing Par-Tee was founded to rid the United States of bogies and make it safe again for the birdies. Supports changing the national bird from an eagle to an albatross.
  • The Donner Party
    • Travel across the United States. Eat each other. What’s not to love?
  • The Bull Moose Party
    • Own big sticks and talk quietly 
  • The Youth International Party
    • Called the Yippies, they were active in the election of 1968 with their stellar candidate, Pigasus the Immortal, a 145-pound domestic pig. Famously ran on the slogan, “If we can’t have him in the White House, we can have him for breakfast.” While they have not been active since, I want them back. Please.
  • Orange Soda Party
    • Similar mission as Jonestown but with orange soda this time
  • Ryan’s party
    • You show up at the wrong house and play settlers of catan with the least cool kid in school, but at least you get snacks (gluten free, vegan, nut free, sugar free, and with no added narcan) 
  • Margaritaville Party
    • The only time is 5:00 PM, drinking and relaxing is mandatory B-)

Write in candidates for the races you don’t understand:

  • Flo
    • Runs on a progressive platform, big on insurance
  • Ivana Tinkle
    • Campaign speeches consist only of half-baked puns.  
  • Any turtle
    • The plan is to just steal a turtle and make it the president, turtles can live very long and nowhere does it say that the president must be human
  • Joe Mama
    • Is a pretty immature candidate and wants to re-fund the football department
  • Deez Nuts
    • Got em
  • Mr. Whiskertons
    • Wants to require naptime every other hour by law. Needs someone else to bring his food on a platter, pre-mushed
  • Papa John
    • Has learned a lot from his recent scandals and is ready to take on DC.  Note: he is sponsored by Little Ceasars
  • Donald Trump
    • That goofball businessman from that show “The Apprentice.” Wouldn’t it be really funny if that guy was president of the United States? Wouldn’t it?
  • Billy Joel
    • It’s 5 o’clock on a Tuesday, the masked crowd shuffles in hoping to vote for someone who does not outlaw music.
  • Paula Deen
    • Raised on dirt roads and sweet tea, Paula Deen is running a platform centered around free speech; she’s been really bored since the Food Network days
  • The long lost 5th Green brother Carlos
    • Is currently openly bisexual and will make bi erasure punishable by banishment, supplies the country with lesbian aunt style pants and gay old man sweaters, will start lid-con a convention based around sharing lids with your friends from around the world
  • Tilda Swinton and Mathew Perry
    • They will fight to the death to determine who will win the race they are in

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