What’s on Sutherland’s Mysterious 9th Floor?

By Isaac Przybysz

During my freshman year, I was wandering the halls of my native Sutherland and found something odd in the stairwell: a locked door at the end of a set of stairs going up from floor 8. “But how?” I thought. “The building only has 8 floors, that we know of.” So I decided to sneak find an alternative entrance up to the floor and here’s what I found:

  • State secrets
  • Science experiments
  • A parking lot
  • A swimming pool
  • The genetic code for clones of more pre-med students from outside Philly
  • Patrick Gallagher’s heating lamp
  • An elevator to hell
  • The end of the song “American Pie”
  • A secret stash of Natty Light
  • A Mario pipe, probably also to hell
  • All the Starship robots
  • Your grandparents’ tapes from when Pitt football was good
  • The ‘butthole cut’ of Cats
  • The Port Authority bus that fell in a sinkhole last year
  • The Plague Inc controller for COVID
  • Yoshi’s tax returns
  • All the unmatched socks lost in the dryers
  • A rabbit hole to Wonderland
  • The Chevron steps
  • Sodexo
  • The O (RIP) 

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