How to make friends

By The Writers of the Pittiful news

  1. Pizza
  2. Steal cats
    1. Not from them
    2. Just bribe them with other people’s cats
  3. Buy a plant, that is now your “friend”
  4. Be the only girl in a men’s wrestling club
  5. Write an ad on craigslist “man seeking man for a fun time” and meet a new buddy!
  6. Pay them, because nobody would willingly spend time with you without gaining something in return. You absolute coffee filter of a man. 
  7. Buy animal crossing and talk to your animated animal villagers. Trust me, it kind of feels like you’re talking to real people. It’s basically the same thing, right? 
  8. Don’t. They are useless. You cannot take them with you to the beyond. 
    1. Well you can but that is frowned upon in most cultures
  9. Profess your undying love to the person you made eye contact with on the bus
  10. Just talk to people. Duh. 
  11. Have a car.
  12. Stop making jokes about your dad leaving when you were seven as an icebreaker. Try asking for their name first. 
  13. Say “do you get any of this?” to the guy next to you in class, even though it actually makes perfect sense to you, but you know the guy next to you has been asleep for the past ten minutes. Score.
  14. Ask the cute girl in your accounting class what her fursona is, rwar XD! *nuzzles* ensues 
  15. Kidnap them beauty and the beast style, Stockholm syndrome creates the strongest of bonds!
  16. Get pregnant and when you give birth boom instant friend. 
    1. First problem, i am boy
    2. A rebuttal: Society has progressed past the need for boys. Sucks to suck. 
  17. Water (35 L), Carbon (20 kg), Ammonia (4 L), Lime (1.5 kg), Phosphorous (800 g), Salt (250 g), Saltpeter (100 g), Sulfur (80 g), Fluorine (7.5 g), Iron (5 g), Silicon (3 g) and trace amounts fifteen other elements.
  18. When Heinz was younger, he performed magic tricks for the local kids. Heinz performed the pull-the-rabbit-out-of-the-hat trick, and instead of pulling out his rabbit companion, Bobo, he pulled out a skunk, which sprayed him. Next, he performed a card trick. A girl volunteered to pick one of Heinz’s cards, while he blindfolded himself. When Heinz uncovered his blindfold, he appeared to be holding the same skunk, who sprayed him again. Yet again, another trick went wrong, and while Heinz shouted for someone to help him get out of some chains, the skunk came along and sprayed him once more. 
  19. Date a bunch of people then stick them all in the friendzone and never talk about it again
  20. Come to a Pittiful News meeting. Please, dear god, we are so lonely. 
  21. Have your boyband adopt a troubled orphan named Y/N with a heart of gold and wavy brown hair from her abusive alcoholic mother.
  22. Leave the door to your shower stall open when you wash your hair in the dorm bathrooms
  23. Make a fake twitter account and dox yourself. Lots of people will come over to hang!
  24. Sit in the elevator for a few hours and ask people where they are headed 
  25. Join a sorority/frat and pay $3000/semester to develop imposter syndrome and body image issues. 
  26. OCxzDJK;HJLKAEWRFHJLKwfhjlkasfdhjlkasfdhjkl cult
  27. Tell your RA that you and your roommate are having an existential disagreement
  28. Whenever you find a person passed out drunk, sleep next to them. Automatic soul mates <3
  29. Walk the streets of South Oakland and ask passersby if they have a light 
  30. Eat them. Then you guys are forever connected.
  31. Join volleyball games on the Pete lawn, and spike the ball onto the roof. That’ll be cool.  
  32. Get really dressed up and go out to a quiet street at night. Stick your foot out to signal cars to come over to you. They will even offer you money for your company.  
  33. Wear a fascinator to go out and use the ATM
  34. Start singing Alexander Hamilton in the dining hall and see who joins in
  35. Do your math homework in the bathtub
  36. Challenge people to a duel, once you set a time and place, swap out the dueling portion with a friendly discussion about normal friend things, such as: favorite color, favorite shape, second favorite dinosaur, how to demolish capitalism, and most importantly favorite desserts. 
  37. Talk about your cats a lot. It will NOT make people uncomfortable if you speak about them like they are your biological children. Being a crazy cat person is cool i promise.(see Sikov, Tyler)
  38. Maybe try being likeable?
  39. Join a group therapy session 
  40. MagiKarp use drown, then save them, boom friends for life until you must betray the for they have stolen the love of your life, Maria
  41. Ask if they want to go penguin sledding 
  42. Anti-Antidisestablishmentarianism       
  43. Wave someone over to sit next to you in a crowded cafe. When they do sit, introduce yourself and engage in some small talk. Then, when things are going good, look them right in the eyes for just a second. Slowly open your mouth and scream at the top of your lungs.   
  44. Just kiss your Starbucks barista, or if you are the starbucks barista kiss clients until one of them kisses back    
  45. Fall in love in a hopeless place
  46. Listen to this article
  47. Go to a bar on saturday at 9 oclock, when the usual crowd shuffles in, be an old man sitting next to the piano just sipping on tonic and gin.
  48. Press the blue light emergency buttons you find around campus. They deploy a helpful security friend directly to your location! 
  49. Knock on your ra’s door at 2am to talk about how much you miss your mommy. 
  50. Ggrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgr 
  51. Yeah we should use the air ducts 

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