How to make friends

By The Writers of the Pittiful news

  1. Pizza
  2. Steal cats
    1. Not from them
    2. Just bribe them with other people’s cats
  3. Buy a plant, that is now your “friend”
  4. Be the only girl in a men’s wrestling club
  5. Write an ad on craigslist “man seeking man for a fun time” and meet a new buddy!
  6. Pay them, because nobody would willingly spend time with you without gaining something in return. You absolute coffee filter of a man. 
  7. Buy animal crossing and talk to your animated animal villagers. Trust me, it kind of feels like you’re talking to real people. It’s basically the same thing, right? 
  8. Don’t. They are useless. You cannot take them with you to the beyond. 
    1. Well you can but that is frowned upon in most cultures
  9. Profess your undying love to the person you made eye contact with on the bus
  10. Just talk to people. Duh. 
  11. Have a car.
  12. Stop making jokes about your dad leaving when you were seven as an icebreaker. Try asking for their name first. 
  13. Say “do you get any of this?” to the guy next to you in class, even though it actually makes perfect sense to you, but you know the guy next to you has been asleep for the past ten minutes. Score.
  14. Ask the cute girl in your accounting class what her fursona is, rwar XD! *nuzzles* ensues 
  15. Kidnap them beauty and the beast style, Stockholm syndrome creates the strongest of bonds!
  16. Get pregnant and when you give birth boom instant friend. 
    1. First problem, i am boy
    2. A rebuttal: Society has progressed past the need for boys. Sucks to suck. 
  17. Water (35 L), Carbon (20 kg), Ammonia (4 L), Lime (1.5 kg), Phosphorous (800 g), Salt (250 g), Saltpeter (100 g), Sulfur (80 g), Fluorine (7.5 g), Iron (5 g), Silicon (3 g) and trace amounts fifteen other elements.
  18. When Heinz was younger, he performed magic tricks for the local kids. Heinz performed the pull-the-rabbit-out-of-the-hat trick, and instead of pulling out his rabbit companion, Bobo, he pulled out a skunk, which sprayed him. Next, he performed a card trick. A girl volunteered to pick one of Heinz’s cards, while he blindfolded himself. When Heinz uncovered his blindfold, he appeared to be holding the same skunk, who sprayed him again. Yet again, another trick went wrong, and while Heinz shouted for someone to help him get out of some chains, the skunk came along and sprayed him once more. 
  19. Date a bunch of people then stick them all in the friendzone and never talk about it again
  20. Come to a Pittiful News meeting. Please, dear god, we are so lonely. 
  21. Have your boyband adopt a troubled orphan named Y/N with a heart of gold and wavy brown hair from her abusive alcoholic mother.
  22. Leave the door to your shower stall open when you wash your hair in the dorm bathrooms
  23. Make a fake twitter account and dox yourself. Lots of people will come over to hang!
  24. Sit in the elevator for a few hours and ask people where they are headed 
  25. Join a sorority/frat and pay $3000/semester to develop imposter syndrome and body image issues. 
  26. OCxzDJK;HJLKAEWRFHJLKwfhjlkasfdhjlkasfdhjkl cult
  27. Tell your RA that you and your roommate are having an existential disagreement
  28. Whenever you find a person passed out drunk, sleep next to them. Automatic soul mates <3
  29. Walk the streets of South Oakland and ask passersby if they have a light 
  30. Eat them. Then you guys are forever connected.
  31. Join volleyball games on the Pete lawn, and spike the ball onto the roof. That’ll be cool.  
  32. Get really dressed up and go out to a quiet street at night. Stick your foot out to signal cars to come over to you. They will even offer you money for your company.  
  33. Wear a fascinator to go out and use the ATM
  34. Start singing Alexander Hamilton in the dining hall and see who joins in
  35. Do your math homework in the bathtub
  36. Challenge people to a duel, once you set a time and place, swap out the dueling portion with a friendly discussion about normal friend things, such as: favorite color, favorite shape, second favorite dinosaur, how to demolish capitalism, and most importantly favorite desserts. 
  37. Talk about your cats a lot. It will NOT make people uncomfortable if you speak about them like they are your biological children. Being a crazy cat person is cool i promise.(see Sikov, Tyler)
  38. Maybe try being likeable?
  39. Join a group therapy session 
  40. MagiKarp use drown, then save them, boom friends for life until you must betray the for they have stolen the love of your life, Maria
  41. Ask if they want to go penguin sledding 
  42. Anti-Antidisestablishmentarianism       
  43. Wave someone over to sit next to you in a crowded cafe. When they do sit, introduce yourself and engage in some small talk. Then, when things are going good, look them right in the eyes for just a second. Slowly open your mouth and scream at the top of your lungs.   
  44. Just kiss your Starbucks barista, or if you are the starbucks barista kiss clients until one of them kisses back    
  45. Fall in love in a hopeless place
  46. Listen to this article
  47. Go to a bar on saturday at 9 oclock, when the usual crowd shuffles in, be an old man sitting next to the piano just sipping on tonic and gin.
  48. Press the blue light emergency buttons you find around campus. They deploy a helpful security friend directly to your location! 
  49. Knock on your ra’s door at 2am to talk about how much you miss your mommy. 
  50. Ggrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgr 
  51. Yeah we should use the air ducts 

Places to go when you can’t study abroad

By Savannah Teman

Upper campus. The culture there is just so different. Like they like to brag about being up there and all and then complain about having to actually GO back up there.

Downtown. I know this doesn’t sound very fun or like you’ll get any new experiences, but just sit on any street, preferably on the ground, and ask people random questions to see how they react. Something like “Would you like to speak about our Lord?” or “You need drugs?” The people are completely different in this strange world. 

Back home. It already sounds like they don’t want us here, with them forcing us to literally stay home after our first break, so why not just get a head start and take up some studying there. I’m sure you can figure it out.

The O. If you just sit in it and pretend it’s still there, it’s almost like it never left.

Penn State. It’s like the Little Italy of Little Italy. They even have their own kind of gelato, but they call it “ice cream”. And Pizza. Very cultural. 

Just Outside of Philly.

The dean’s office. I’m sure Kenyon won’t mind. Just make sure you bring a sacrifice.

Kennywood. They literally close tomorrow.

The Pete. A socially distanced man gives you chicken through a window up there. Plus I hear exercise can improve memory and focus. Get moving.

Bigel — ohh. Nevermind.

ZoomZealand

ZoomTaly

ZoomPan

ZoomLlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

A bunch of ways you could wear your mask if you want to let people know you are a jerk right off the bat

By The Writers of the Pittiful News

  1. A sleep mask (over your eyes), for when you forget your curtains at home 
  2. Over the shoulder 
  3. As lesbian earrings 
  4. Inside your mouth like an orange slice 
  5. Fanny pack 
  6. DIY Jockstrap 
  7. The Guy Fieri 
  8. As a condom 
  9. Chinstrap for when you want to pretend you play the sportsball
  10. A hammock for rats 
  11. Use as open-sole shoes or very bad, very holey sock
  12. Upon the posterior
  13. As a cute bandeau!
  14. Very small holster for very small gun
  15. Put two across your chest: DIY bralette
  16. One of those armbands for phones that joggers wear but bad
  17. A reusable candy bag for on-the-go snacking
  18. Wear a disney themed mask and be over the age of twenty (See Sikov, Tyler)
  19. A muzzle
  20. Between the eyes 
  21. As a sanitary pad
  22. Pasties 🤠
  23. DIY blunt
  24. Slingshot 
  25. Super trendy headband 
  26. Beach day made easy with the DIY Speedo
  27. Two-face style where it covers half of your face 
  28. Zuko Cosplay
  29. As an umbrella for a very small rain storm
  30. Following the directions in Mask off by Future
  31. Phone case
  32. Hippie bandana
  33. DIY noose 
  34. Drug balloon to swallow
  35. As a purse to carry your miniature poodle
  36. As a miniature poodle to carry in your purse 
  37. Bikini top 
  38. Bikini bottom 
  39. Bikini vers
  40. thong 
  41. Sexy mask costume 
  42. A shwallet
  43. Handcuffs  
  44. Wig
  45. Beard wig
  46. Sexy coronavirus costume
  47. Hairnet
  48. American girl doll clothes  
  49. A sweat towel
  50. Under the nose.