Kinda Urgent Message from Dean Bonner (Updated with the CDC guidelines that were hidden in a jungle temple for which the only known map was tattooed on Adam Levine and can only be deciphered when he is making snow angels)

By the writers of the Pittiful News; original email: corrections made in bold

Dear Pitt partial students, 

Really? Are you kidding me?

Over the past few days, I have been alerted by students, parents, my on-call masseuse, and community members that a large number of students are holding and attending parties without inviting me, wearing face coverings and without observing physical distancing guidelines. Frankly, I am shocked, appalled, gooped, gagged, and above all else, mortified. 

Let me be crystal fucking clear: Your behavior is threatening a successful fall term for me and my partner. Also, it’s upsetting me and my homegirl. If we do not fix this, I as well as my intimate, scaly lover, Chancellor Gallagher, better known as Gallagator, will not receive our yearly bonuses of $69,420.

The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, after only one week of classes, transitioned to an entirely remote plan for the semester when more than 170 students tested positive for COVID-19, like a bunch of weaklings. I know that we at Pitt are stronger than those students at North Carolina and so we simply will not get sick. Early reports indicate that off-campus house parties and parties hosted by fraternities and sororities played a significant role in spreading the virus. Last night, the University of Notre Dame immediately suspended in-person classes following a surge of 80 new cases of COVID-19, which were linked to being weak.  

Your actions have consequences. One of which would be getting closed down before Penn State does, which is humiliating. If you want to experience campus life as well as in-person classes this semester, then support the health and well-being of the members of our community with your actions. These actions include but are not limited to: do not drive with your windows down and cruise, do not teach anyone how to blow their whistle baby, do not sit in the pocket with your legs and your knees not knocking oh knocking, do not feel that this is the time to break free because you can not resist it no more, do not kiss me under the lamppost back on sixth street hearing me whisper through the foam wait for me to come home, and most importantly do not throw your hands up in the air sometimes singing ah oh baby let’s go do not celebrate and live your life singing ah oh baby let’s go.

Let me be completely fucking clear about the consequences, like translucently clear. Like you can see straight into the sixth dimension with how clear this shit is. Like fucking Mr. Clean x Windex remix clear: 

  •     When students and student organizations are reported for violating the Student Code of Conduct Health and Safety rules, interim housing suspensions and/or Persona 5 Non Grata (P5NG) restrictions will apply while a hearing is being conducted. P5NG status means the student is restricted from access to all University buildings and grounds, especially from the Eatery and other food poisoning services.  
  •     If a student hosts a super lame party and is found responsible for a violation, the student will be sanctioned to disciplinary spankings through the semester.
  •     If a student organization hosts a large party or event and is found responsible for a violation, the student will endure two straight hours of verbal abuse from one of our nursing majors, the organization will be sanctioned to interim suspension of registration depending on how cool it is, for no less than the remainder of the semester. If the organization is full of lame ass nerds, the suspension may be extended. 
  •     If a student living in a residence hall attends a large party then they are super fucking cool. Keep up the good work!
  •     If a student living off campus attends a large party, BBQ, picnic, orgy or potluck dinner and is found responsible for a violation, the student will be sanctioned to permanent Persona Non Fucking Grata (PNFG) status through the semester.
  • I am not afraid to commit war crimes against my own students to stay open longer than WVU. Hail to fucking Pitt. 

My expectations are clear as fucking day if the day was a diamond and was freshly polished with actual invisible camel saliva

  •     Do not hold or attend parties where physical distancing is not possible or where attendees are not following face covering requirements. You need to exercise. Seriously. You’re growing fat. 
    • Most of your shitty South Oakland apartments cannot safely hold more than 4-5 people while accounting for physical distancing of 6-feet between people. 
  •     Do not cough or sneeze directly into the orifices of people who are not part of your pod while you are sheltering in place.    
    •         If you are an off-campus student, your pod consists of the people you vibe with.
    •         If you are an on-campus student, you have been assigned your pod. And not like the juul. If we catch you with a juul pod we won’t hesistate to fucking kill you. 
  •     Wear face coverings such as paper bags when indoors and near others who are not in your pod because nobody wants to see your ugly ass face, dude.
  • Although we brought you all onto campus, Pitt has no liability when it comes to student or faculty deaths. You should have followed the fucking rules created by the genious mind of our Lord and Savior Gallagator.
  • You do not need to wear a face covering when within 6 feet of your enemies. If they are truly a worthy rival they simply will not get sick.
  • Due to the fact that alcohol may eliminate coronavirus within the body, dining halls will now be serving liquor to supply cool parties (no uncool parties allowed). The alcohol will not be covered by your mandated unlimited meal plans, but it is free for athletes and greek life members. 
  •     Wear face coverings when outdoors and when physical distancing is not always possible, as on a busy sidewalk or hiding in your neighbor’s closet
  • Wear face coverings during sex so it’s covid friendly, and experiment with positions that limit face to face contact. 2020 will be the year of glory holes, baby! Regularly sanitized plexiglass glory holes will be located behind the Cost Center, opening September 4th.
  • While sex is permissable, absolutely no kissing, snogging, or making out while on campus, except Amanda and Jackson from Tower A floor 3, I like to watch them Shift. Keep it up, you two.
  •     When in doubt, wear protection.
  •     Wear your face properly—it must cover your mouth, nose, eyes, and entire skull.
  •     Practice good hand hygiene and avoid touching high-touch surfaces with your hands or genitals. This includes other people’s genitals.
  • If you are not in possession of a mask, place a plastic bag over your head and tie it as tightly as possible. If you die, that’s natural selection. Sucks, better luck next time. You signed a contract.

These are reasonable and easy precautions to take during a pandemic, so hold onto your butts and keep others accountable. If you see Pitt-affiliates breaking these guidelines—students, faculty or staff—then stomp on their necks and spit in their mouths. It’s your responsibility to speak up and ensure they get coronavirus. 

A report about a COVID-related concern can be filed here or on the coronavirus.pitt.edu website. A conduct referral on a student violating Pitt’s guidelines can be filed here or the “Pubic Health and Safety Conduct Referral” form can be found on the home page for Student Affairs. The more information you can provide, the better able we are to hunt them down and kick them back to whatever backwater swamp they came from.

Since October 2019 when we knew the Coronavirus was a thing but hid it so we could keep you guys here to make money in the spring semester, we have all had the time to learn about this virus and adapt to our new pubic health environment. Now it is time to demonstrate that you understand this is serious bizniz, with serious consequences. As a great man said once, “when will you learn… when will you learn that your actions have consequences.” We have one chance, one opportunity to get this right. We better own it, we better never let it go.

So take care of business, start the semester wrong, do the panther roar, and mask the fuck up.

Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs;

(Signature edited for comedy. Original signature here)

Kenyon R. Boner, EdD

Vice Provost and King Shit 

Pubic Health and Safety Conduct Referral

This referral is strictly for snitches of the University community (i.e. losers, virgins, computer science majors, etc.) who believe a student’s behavior “Exhibits small dick energy or fails to comply with guidance set forth by me and my lover regarding pubic health and/or safety.”

Submit a Health and Safety Conduct Referral.

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