Casual Friday Horoscopes, as featured in Seventeen magazine

By the writers of the Pittiful News

Aries – You are a strong-willed person who always fights for want they want. Tomorrow you will encounter an opportunity for success. Take your chances and don’t give up.

 

Taurus – You have a strong appetite for close relationships. When you meet them tomorrow, give them a hug and check their pockets for the drugs. They may change your life.

 

Gemini – You’re finally coming out as a Gemini today. Don’t forget which shoe goes on which foot. We can spot a Gemini from about three miles away. Just focus on what’s ahead of you.

 

Cancer – You are one-third dummy, one-third whore, and one-third sucker, and tomorrow you will cry because someone reminds you of something that happened many years ago, and it will remind you of ‘the stairwell’ that you try to forget.

 

Leo – I really don’t understand why you’re looking at your horoscope because if I tell you that you’ll have a great day tomorrow and you get hit by a bus, I think that technically is grounds to sue me so take this with a grain of salt and have a great day.

 

Virgo – Repeat this mantra daily to experience life to its fullest: “Wake up in the mornin’. Feelin’ like P. Diddy. Grab my glasses. I’m out the door. I’m gonna hit the city.” Don’t forget to brush your teeth with a bottle of jack.

 

Libra – You can’t make a decision to save your life. You’re sweet but you’re… you’re nasty if someone crosses you… UHm- You can’t think. DO not think at all whatsoever. Fuck people. But don’t FUCK-fuck them?? Your planet is Venus or something. Meaning you’re very romantic and LOVE flirting. You are a peacekeeper and like order. #Words not fists #Kill with kindness

 

Scorpio – You are possessive over the things you like, this week you will begin mating with an optimum specimen, only to eat them at a later date.

 

Sagittarius – Things are looking up for you! It’s going to be just the right kind of night to dress up like a hipster and make fun of your ex. (DO NOT under any circumstances get back with your ex.) Do fun things, like eating breakfast at midnight and fallin in love with strangers. Everything’s gonna be alright :) Just keep dancing :)

 

Capricorn – You are resilient, this week your horns will grow nicely. Also this week, in math class your teacher, who sucks, will give you a pop quiz. It might be on the quadratic equation so just remember: “x equals opposite b plus or minus square root b squared minus 4 a c all over 2 a”.

 

Aquarius – You will meet a person who will be an amazing partner for you, they will be: sometimes low key, sometimes high key, sometimes comforting, sometimes indifferent, often contradictory. They will be standing on the corner of Forbes and Bigelow, they will be wearing yellow and holding a pink carnation, the password to make them fall in love with you is “if you do not come with me this instant, i will stab you”. They will get into your car and you will live happily ever after until you get a new horoscope telling you to see other people, Janice.

 

Pisces –  You will become the president of the United States of America, the first president to be precise. People might call you “Daddy”, but what they really mean is “Father (of the Nation)”, so don’t be alarmed. Embrace all the opportunities of this phase in your life.

 

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