Kill Them with Kindness

By Tyler Sikov

We all have those people in our life that we want to murder, but some want to go about it in a nice way, so here is a list of nice ways to murder people:

  1. Beat them over the head with a giant foam kindness sign
  2. Take them to a nice movie and poison the popcorn
  3. A single shot to the head
  4. A syringe filled with air between their toes
  5. Toss a goat at them
  6. If they are allergic to cats, hand them a cat
  7. Put them into an escape room that there is no real escape from, make every room in it dangerous, some that make them cut off their own limbs, some that trap them in boxes and try to drown them in fun liquids: like whipped cream, ketchup, or melted blue raspberry shaved ice. A room that has them jump of a boiling pot of acid, a room that has buzz saws that fly out of the walls, and most importantly always give them the sense that they can escape if they work hard enough, put windows that have bars on them, show them the exit door and have signs that point to the exit, or give them some contact in the outside, like a phone call or a letter that you tell them they can deliver themselves.
  8. Light them on fire then put them out with a fire extinguisher, suffocating the fire and them
  9. Take them skydiving but sabotage their parachute
  10. Turn into a werewolf on the full moon and remove their head
  11. Make them fall in love with you, fake your death and hope they go all Romeo and Juliet on you, and just kill themselves.
  12. Kiss them for so long that they run out of air and become unconscious, toss them into a bag, and throw them off a bridge, then once you realize that they could survive that, track them down and repeat this method until they are actually dead.
  13. Teach them to sword swallow but do a bad job in the instructions

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