By Tyler Sikov
I “woke up” this morning, by this I mean I got out of bed and needed coffee. I can never get enough of that sweet caffeinated goodness. When I get to my kitchen, I notice that my coffee desk is empty. I dread going to the store because they keep asking me to stop licking the mannequins. I will stop when they stop making the mannequins so tasty! So, I decide to go to Groovy Smoothie, my local smoothie shop. Once I get there, I order 12 shots of Expresso dumped into a big gulp cup with the rest of the cup filled with black coffee. Before I can pay, the manager comes over and tries to sell me bagels on a stick. I tell him multiple times that I do not want his bagels but after a while it seems clear that he will not give me my coffee until I order bagels. So, I order bagels and am then told that it will be an hour, so I wait the hour. I get my bagels and am informed that they ran out of coffee. Disappointedly, I leave and venture to Dunkin Donuts. I get to Dunkin and I ask for coffee and some donuts. As I said the word “donuts”, I am arrested and they bring me to trial for my crimes against humanity. I escape Guantanamo bay and make my way to Coffee Tree. Once I arrive, I go looking around at the plants to see which one is the famed coffee tree. I don’t immediately see it so I decide I should taste the plants to see if they contain coffee. The Manager, Tree Beard, and the bartender, another Ent from Middle Earth named Nimloth, come and escort me out of the shop. My journey continues when I make it to Crazy Mocha. I walk up to the bartender who is obviously a goat. His nametag said Odis, so I knew he was one of Thor’s goats. Odis then began complaining about how his master kills him every day. Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes down and the shop is gone. I am standing in front of an empty storefront alone. I go to my least favorite coffee shop, Starbucks. It is my last choice because the mermaid lady and I used to date, and we did not part on good terms. I mean when you go and make a deal with an evil sea octopus squid thing, lose your voice, and cheat on me with a prince while brushing your hair with a fork, or as you used to call it a dinglehopper, I have a reason to break up with you and steal Sebastian to be a new pet of mine. When I show up at this sea witch’s café I go to the counter and order a large coffee, I am immediately stabbed for saying another forbidden word. This is added to my ever-expanding list of crimes against humanity, treason, and other nefarious crimes I enjoy committing. So, I ask for a Venti black coffee and a Puppuccino. My coffee shows up first, I drink it in under a second. My Puppuccino comes out next and the barista asks me what type of dog I have. I answer, “I don’t have a dog, I have a cat”. Once I finish telling him that I shove my face into the Puppuccino and begin smearing the whipped cream all over my face. Security picks me up and drags me out of the shop. I get home, my face still dripping with whipped cream. My cat comes to greet me by screaming and then thoroughly licking my face. You have not felt true happiness until you have felt the rough tongue of a cat licking your face while simultaneously vibrating because of how much said cat is purring. By this time, it is almost 10pm, time for bed. As I get into bed and my cat joins me, I think about how today was a good day. I got my coffee and my cat got to lick some whipped cream off of me. I wonder what adventures we will get up to tomorrow, hopefully more licking is involved.