By Blair Kriz and Tyler Sikov
If you’re looking to party ’til you forget about how much debt you’re in, I know the perfect place for you. Pitt’s hottest club is “Would You Like Fries on That?” Located on a mattress on the sidewalk of South Oakland, this place finally answers the question: “Is that a freshman, or is it a grad student trying to relive their glory days?” Only charging four bucks for guys to enter, which is a whole dollar less than all the other South O parties, it has everything:
- Tube tops
- Purple mood lighting
- One of the stray cats that live across Boulevard of the Allies
- Water – or is it Bud Light?
And stick around for the rave, when we do the hottest new dance craze – the aneurysm – to a dubstep remix of Sweet Caroline!
If you’re a starving broke college student who just can’t stop being in a fetal position, then this place is for you. Pitt’s hottest club is “Dean’s Hour Today in WPU.” This place has everything:
- The air conditioning that should be in the quad
- The therapy dogs that make up most of the counseling center’s staff
- 200 pre-med freshman from “just outside Philly”
- The secret third taco bell on campus
And who is that? Is that Dean Bonner? No, it’s Chancellor Gallagher using his heat lamp to dry his laundry!
If you wanna know what it’s like to go to Phipps but you don’t have a date, I know just the place for you. Pitt’s hottest club is “BIGELOW WALK SIGN IS ON TO CROSS BIGELOW.” Located in the middle of the Bigelow Construction, this club can only be accessed by saying the special passphrase to one of the construction workers: “HELP WANTED, NO SLACKERS!”. Needless to say, this place has everything:
- That one person from your high school you’ve only seen here once
- The ghosts that live in Cathy
- Another bubble tea place
- People who take Russian Fairy Tales
But before you go out on the dance floor, make sure you know the club’s hottest dance – the green space. That’s when everyone dances in a single-file line because most of the dance floor is covered in grass now, since the club owners want you to think they care about the environment.
If you want to go to Gene’s Place but that guy who isn’t Gene is bartending, I have just the place for you. Pitt’s hottest dive bar is “Yes.” This lemon-scented watering hole somehow manages to be busier than The Thirsty Scholar, despite only five people knowing it exists. The entrance is under the housing cart that’s been in my basement since probably before I was born, and this place has everything:
- A cocktail that smells suspiciously like paint called the Thackeray Daiquiri
- A blood-stained pool table
- Trap remixes of traditional Japanese music
- The three-story high pile of trash your roommate swears they’ll take out today
And be sure to come on Friday night after 11:00PM for the special: a Cheetos shot. No, not Tito’s like the vodka, Cheetos.
If you’re looking to show your parents around campus and want to show them what college life is like, I know just the place for you. Pitt’s hottest club is “The Perch at Schenley.” Located on upper-lower-mid-campus, this club answers the age-old question: “Should I go to class today?” This place has everything:
- The Market employees
- A textbook you bought and only opened once
- Someone who lives at the Wyndham
- And everyone’s favorite, Human Starship robots!
What’s a human Starship robot? It’s that thing of when a midget little person runs around Oakland bumping into people while delivering food.