Faculty not required to be in person, but must provide “classroom experience” (updated information from playing Doja Cat’s ‘Say So’ backwards at half speed)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold          Relevant article

Provost+Ann+Cudd+speaks+at+a+Student+Government+Board+meeting+on+Oct.+24%2C+2018.

Provost Ann Cudd said in a Friday afternoon carrier-pigeon note to faculty that they now have the option to astral project themselves into the classroom during the fall semester, as part of the University’s new Flex@Pitt teaching model. Cudd does emphasize that if faculty does not want to astral project themselves into the classroom they don’t have to, but the option stands if they so desire. The note arrives in the wake of many faculty members saying they have received too much information about plans for the fall semester.

The Flicks@Pitt program is said to allow students to experience classes “in person, remotely, synchronously or asynchronously,” in the midst of the unprecedented crisis presented by the COVID-19 pandemic. Pitt officials said last week that students would not be required to attend class in person for the fall but if they want to attend class in person they can, but it’s cool if they don’t.

But Cudd added that a classroom experience must be made available for some students, and faculty are encouraged to physically come to the classroom when they want to, or not to if they don’t want to. Cudd wants to make sure that it is known that she really doesn’t care what happens, but the faculty are the ones who have the choice to come to campus.

Cudd said in situations where instructors cannot come to campus, students will still be in classrooms to connect homoerotically with their rivals, with the instructor completely invisible on screen to engage with students, field questions or conduct discussions. But from a poll given to students, Pitt has decided that if it is mandatory for professors to come to class, students will have to stay in their dorms. She said graduate or undergraduate teaching assistants, faculty colleagues or staff members may be sacrificed in their stead to facilitate classroom interaction.

Cudd added that as part of Fucks@Pitt, the University will ensure that all faculty members have access to high-quality technology, such as the new Nintendo 2DS. Pitt said on Wednesday that it will spend the second half of its federal CARES Act funding, around $10.6 million, on fall Onlyfans subscriptions and other less important things including Forks@Pitt.

“Our investment in technology, that we don’t ever talk about because we don’t actually use the money, will allow us to support our faculty and students, enroll a full class of students and transform the teaching environment well beyond the pandemic,” Cudd improvised.

Some classes, such as labs, may require an authorized person to be not present so students can learn to handle equipment and ensure safety on their own with no guidance. I mean they have to figure out how to pay off their own student debt, hold up 18 credits worth of grades, and maintain mental stability at all times, so like they should be able to figure out how to use a damn Bunsen burner. In these cases, Cudd said, the person in charge may not necessarily show up.

Cudd also provided an update about classroom abusage in the email.

Pitt started an audit of all classroom spaces two days ago and whether they met social distancing and sexiness requirements. She said courses with very large (x (1 +1n)n=e where n = number of students and e = classrooms required) enrollments may need to be fully remote, but most lectures and recitations with enrollments below 6 students can take place in-person. Courses with an enrollment between 6 and the undefined “very large” (10 students)  cutoff number may need to operate in a “rotated cohort mode,” Cudd said. This would mean only one student attends classes on select days.

Cudd said she might make final decisions about classroom assignments within the next two months. Until then all students will be given chores and a weekly allowance by Gallagator himself.

 

Plans for Midsummer

By Tyler, Sonya, Savannah, Abby

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  1. Travel to Sweden to visit a cult, and then absolutely throw it down at their maypole dance, thus ensuring that I’m not the foreigner who’s sacrificed in the fire at the end of the week.
  2. Rewatch every installment within the Bill and Ted cinematic universe
  3. Get into Facebook arguments with old homophobic racists
  4. Get into Facebook arguments with old homophones.
  5. Bake a berry cobbler with all of the REAL berries – grapes, bananas, watermelons, tomatoes, cucumbers, deadly nightshade, eggplants, pumpkins, and chili peppers.
  6. Sit on the deck and eat tuna from a pouch
  7. Finally drink that bottle of bubble juice I’ve been saving for a special occasion!
  8. Ooh it has a little stirry thing in it. Time for mixing!
  9. Wait, why does it taste so soapy?
  10. Is bubble juice not the same as bubbly.
  11. I think I have made a mistake.
  12. Get fit, get LIT (and by which I mean don’t get lit, don’t light fireworks please for the love of God stop lighting the fireworks)
  13. IDK just do like Tuesday kinds of things.
  14. Acquire a lute, make it lose its tune, and then play it, badly, until my neighbors pay attention to me.
  15. Take a long nap on the couch, and wake up violently because I dream/hallucinate a three-inch scorpion about to sting me.
  16. Wait for the last light of durin’s day to enter the dwarf cave and cook me some dragon legs
  17. Sit in the driveway and stare at my neighbors like they always do to me
  18. Organize my sticky notes
  19. Conduct a ritual animal sacrifice of… a fruit fly I guess? (I don’t have any other animals) to honor the summer solstice.
  20. Ask my parents where my midsummer gifts are
  21. Make more cottagecore pillows
  22. Exercise. My rights. To bear arms. 🐻.
  23. Steal Sumarbrander from Frey, God of Nature and Stuff
  24. Fall in love with a girl named Maria, then need to run away with her as she is currently being shot at by the Russian mafia. We escape this country and move to the UK. We live in Big Ben, sure the sound is horrible and makes it hard to sleep, but it is a life. While there I fall in love with another woman named Maria, she is on the run from the gestapo, not to be confused with gazpacho, the first Maria’s favorite soup. So I leave the UK with the second Maria and move to Finland. This cycle goes on for three years, every summer solstice I find a new maria and run away to a new country.
  25. Party in the USA
  26. Celebrate my sister’s birthday :)
  27. Lose all sense of time and forget that it’s even midsummer

 

 

Going to the Store

By Tyler Sikov

Dairy Aisle At Supermarket Stock Photo - Download Image ...

Today I am going to the store. I am going to the store to get milk. My dad went to the store to get milk 10 years ago. He never came back, so my mom and I have been vegan ever since. I am getting a bit tired of never having that sweet cow juice so I am going to the store. When I show up at the store, I obviously get distracted by the giant inflatable man doing a dance in front of the store. I then realize that I have arrived at a car dealership and not a grocery store. I correct my mistake and arrive at the grocery store. Once I get there I go straight to the dairy aisle. I have never been in this aisle before. It is very cold here. I find the door that has milk behind it. The second I open the door an arm grabs me.

I am pulled into a sunny meadow and immediately given a firm handshake and a pat on the back by a familiar man. MY DAD! It’s my dad. I found him. I look out into the expanse and notice thousands of other dads playing catch, grilling, golfing, and talking over a beer. My dad says, “Son, how have you been?”. To which I reply, “great, now that I found you. We can go home!”. He looks at me with a look in his eye that says ‘why would we want to leave’. He tells me that he does not want to leave and that I should not either. He tells me that he went to get milk and was pulled into here. Once he got here, he was surrounded by other dads who all liked the same things he did, he did not have to go to work to support a family or put up with going to things he did not want to. He told me that he missed me and was glad to see that I was now here.

My dad told me that no one ages here. So, I came in as a 21-year-old, I will stay 21 for as long as I stay in here. Time still passes but when I leave here, I will leave as a 21-year-old.  I ask my dad what he does all day. He tells me “whatever we want”. It seems that we can play or watch any sport we want. We can do anything any dad wants to do, like go to a strip club, or miss his kids’ sports games. I admit that this place looks amazing and I could stay here forever if I wanted to. I would have no responsibilities, I would never need to get a job or work hard at anything, I would just get to have fun for all eternity, with my dad!

For this magical world inside of a milk cooler, they have a lack of milk. I asked if there was any milk here, and they said no, that is why they all did not leave at first is that they did not want to disappoint their families by coming back empty handed. This was of course a deal breaker for me because I came here without telling my mom, so she would not expect me to come back with milk. I will reiterate that I need that sweet, delectable, cow juice. So, I play games and spend some time with my dad, and all the other dads. They all called me sport, I guess they missed that from the real world as well. I then left this almost perfect world. But now I know that in every dairy aisle, the door that contains the milk is actually a portal to an endless utopia for dads. Now that I know this, I can go back and visit my dad any time I want. It is great to know that my dad and all the other dads that we thought were deadbeats are actually off living their best life.

If your dad is still around, tell him about this place. As they say, if you love something let it go. Also, while you are talking to them. Wish them a happy Father’s Day from those of us who do not get to see our dad unless we take a trip to the supermarket.

 

My Adventure at the Orlando Pride Parade

By Tyler Sikov

 

I was on vacation in Orlando last year, I meant to go to Ontario but I got on the wrong plane. I decided that since I was there, I should at least enjoy myself. While I was wandering around in downtown, I saw a sign saying that there was going to be a parade that night. It was the middle of June and the sign was really colorful. I was excited to go because I had never been to a pride parade before. So, I paid the fee and went to the parade. I don’t know why attending the parade cost me almost 300 dollars but as a supporter of the community I knew that it was a good cause, I have donated to the Trevor project before so I understand where some of the money goes.

The parade started as all do, rainbow fireworks. There were floats, people dressed up in crazy colorful costumes. People were singing and dancing. There was great music, great food, and lots of people brought their kids. It is great to see kids being raised to be inclusive. Some of the costumes people were wearing looked familiar to me. Many of my friends are in the community so I must have seen some of these icons when I was with them. I was having a great time, but there is something I don’t understand. Why does everyone seem to worship that mouse?

There are people wearing hats, and headbands with his ears on them. Many people are wearing clothes that have his face or ears on them. My ticket to this parade has the same mouse but wearing a bow and a dress. I suppose this mouse is trans, and that makes them an important symbol in the community. I have nothing against the mouse, I am just so new to this kind of parade that I did not know how central of a figure they would be. I would have worn clothes that had their image on it if I had been warned.

There were a bunch of other LGBT+ icons, here are some of the ones I saw: a male elephant and a male mouse in a relationship showing off a bear/otter relationship, a pansexual dog being walked by an asexual taller dog, a cow boy with a string attached to his back and a space warrior thing in a green and white suit with wings, A blue wispy man and another blue wispy man both offering to grant us wishes but only 3, a large group of girls all wearing different colored dresses and talking about having true loves kiss, a green flying boy followed by many other small non flying boys and two flying girls one tiny and glowing and the other the same size as the green boy, a trans man looking to make a man out of himself, a big muscular man in red that seems very self-obsessed and a very large very furry man who could be part lion or maybe a buffalo, and two non-binary ducks who are dating and not wearing any pants. There were more but these are just the ones that I got a close enough look at.

Overall, I really enjoyed my experience at this Orlando Pride parade. It seems to be a big thing because my ticket let me back in the next night to watch the same parade again. The only tips I have for people thinking of attending a pride parade are: make sure to wear clothes featuring the mouse, bring a lot of money as everyone is trying to sell you stuff during the parade, and just because it is a pride parade does not mean you can go up and kiss anyone you see; I learned this the hard way and was not allowed back for a third night.

2020 Apocalypse Madness

by Tyler, Abby, Savannah, Sonya

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Here is our bracket for what the next apocalypse will be, we could not chose a winner between Catgirl Chipotle and Goth Girlfriends, While we work on making that decision through an article we plan to write next week, fill out this poll, we want to hear what you think the next apocalypse will be (pick your literal poison).

Here are the fully spelled out apocalypses:

  1. Catgirl Chipotle opening day turns into a series of violent riots among people who want to be among the first customers
  2. 2012 by Jay Sean (But it is the End Of the World and we can’t party)
  3. We finally find out what those are (the answer to “WHAT ARE THOOOSE?”)
  4. The Singularity hits but it’s just Earth’s hard reboot
  5. Tupac dies, for real this time, leading to a wormhole that sucks everyone in and sends them to different times, some get sent to May 6th 1937 and get to ride the LZ 129, an early version of the goodyear blimp, while others get sent to June 28th 1914.
  6. Another recall of romaine lettuce
  7. Extreme Black Friday
  8. A visit from the occupants of that weird UFO I’ve been seeing around?
  9. The government decides to burn all literature other than the Bee Movie script, Fahrenheit 451-style
    1. Jerry Seinfeld becomes all the world knows. Jerry becomes our god. We only know bees and terrible comedy.
  10. Homicidal Bees
  11. We all just turn into our parents
  12. X Æ A-12 (Kyle)  is actually Satan
    1. Kyle grows up to unleash their power on the world at some point in their life. They decide to destroy everything in their wake.
  13. No more bees :(
  14. 2 Corona 2 Virus
  15. Goth girlfriends releasing all of their energy at once
  16. Fidget spinners make a comeback

 

Obituary for Sonya Acharya

by Tyler Sikov, the new President

As is tradition, once a member of the Pittiful news graduates, we sacrifice them to the gods of satire to ensure we have a plentiful harvest at the next years activities fair. This year we sacrificed Sonya Acharya, our former Editor-in-Chief. The new president has told us that during Sonya’s time at this paper she was never paid, and all the other writers were told that it was to be kept secret. The rest of the writers were being paid because they are either white or male (Sonya was, as she said herself a “non-white” “non-male”). Sonya was most known for her controversial opinions on CATS: the musical, the movie, and the animal. She was also known for never understanding any pop culture references, the other writers had to introduce her to: Star Wars, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, the Idea of Musicals, The Office, Parks and Rec, Twilight, The Hunger Games, The Divergent series, The Giver series, SpongeBob, The idea of Videogames, and any other conceivable popular culture artifact. Despite her lack of pop culture knowledge, she has written many articles that contain pop culture references. She will not be missed, as the more talented the sacrifice, the better the harvest, we will get a plentiful harvest this year.

 

Pitt’s Hottest Clubs

By Blair Kriz and Tyler Sikov

If you’re looking to party ’til you forget about how much debt you’re in, I know the perfect place for you. Pitt’s hottest club is “Would You Like Fries on That?” Located on a mattress on the sidewalk of South Oakland, this place finally answers the question: “Is that a freshman, or is it a grad student trying to relive their glory days?” Only charging four bucks for guys to enter, which is a whole dollar less than all the other South O parties, it has everything:

 

  • Tube tops
  • Purple mood lighting
  • One of the stray cats that live across Boulevard of the Allies
  • Water – or is it Bud Light?

And stick around for the rave, when we do the hottest new dance craze – the aneurysm – to a dubstep remix of Sweet Caroline!

 

If you’re a starving broke college student who just can’t stop being in a fetal position, then this place is for you. Pitt’s hottest club is “Dean’s Hour Today in WPU.” This place has everything:

 

  • The air conditioning that should be in the quad
  • The therapy dogs that make up most of the counseling center’s staff
  • 200 pre-med freshman from “just outside Philly”
  • The secret third taco bell on campus

 

And who is that? Is that Dean Bonner? No, it’s Chancellor Gallagher using his heat lamp to dry his laundry!

 

If you wanna know what it’s like to go to Phipps but you don’t have a date, I know just the place for you. Pitt’s hottest club is “BIGELOW WALK SIGN IS ON TO CROSS BIGELOW.” Located in the middle of the Bigelow Construction, this club can only be accessed by saying the special passphrase to one of the construction workers: “HELP WANTED, NO SLACKERS!”. Needless to say, this place has everything:

  • That one person from your high school you’ve only seen here once
  • The ghosts that live in Cathy
  • Another bubble tea place
  • People who take Russian Fairy Tales

But before you go out on the dance floor, make sure you know the club’s hottest dance – the green space. That’s when everyone dances in a single-file line because most of the dance floor is covered in grass now, since the club owners want you to think they care about the environment.

 

If you want to go to Gene’s Place but that guy who isn’t Gene is bartending, I have just the place for you. Pitt’s hottest dive bar is “Yes.” This lemon-scented watering hole somehow manages to be busier than The Thirsty Scholar, despite only five people knowing it exists. The entrance is under the housing cart that’s been in my basement since probably before I was born, and this place has everything:

 

  • A cocktail that smells suspiciously like paint called the Thackeray Daiquiri
  • A blood-stained pool table
  • Trap remixes of traditional Japanese music
  • The three-story high pile of trash your roommate swears they’ll take out today

 

And be sure to come on Friday night after 11:00PM for the special: a Cheetos shot. No, not Tito’s like the vodka, Cheetos.

 

If you’re looking to show your parents around campus and want to show them what college life is like, I know just the place for you. Pitt’s hottest club is “The Perch at Schenley.” Located on upper-lower-mid-campus, this club answers the age-old question: “Should I go to class today?” This place has everything:

  • The Market employees
  • A textbook you bought and only opened once
  • Someone who lives at the Wyndham
  • And everyone’s favorite, Human Starship robots!

What’s a human Starship robot? It’s that thing of when a midget little person runs around Oakland bumping into people while delivering food.

 

Fall term to start early, end before Thanksgiving (*Edited to contain the secret info we stole from the Pentagon)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold
lectruehall

 

Pitt has decided to hold classes in person in the fall  but only outside, and will adjust its academic calendar to ensure semi-safety during the COVID-19 pandemic, University officials said Monday.

Provost Ann Cudd said in an email only to incoming first-year students obtained by The Pitt News, which was incorrect, that Welcome Week will take place during the week of Aug. 10. In-person classes for the fall semester will begin on Aug. 10, 2020 and end Aug. 31, 2020 due to a prophesied surge in coronavirus cases. There will be no day off on Sept. 7 for Labor Day to tribute Pitt students’ hard work, and students will not be returning to campus after Thanksgiving break. Classes were originally scheduled to just not happen, so this is definitely an improvement.

Cudd added that Pitt is taking steps to de-densify residence halls and dining facilities by actually matching up to health code standards, and classrooms, which will not be in use for the 2020-2021 year, in accordance with guidance from health and safety experts on Fox News and CNN prior to believing that COVID-19 was a thing.

Cudd also said there will be an extended final exam period this fall, this extension period will begin at 7:54 P.M on Thanksgiving Day, which is when they anticipate most students are done eating dinner and want to escape their racist relatives.          

An additional extension period will be held for those who have religious obligations. This additional extension will be given to respective religious groups during: Kwanzaa, Christmas, Chanukah, Ramadan, Diwali, Festivus and any other holiday that could stop students from taking the exams. This all includes the possibility of holding in-person exams on Thanksgiving day. A “turkey dinner” WILL be provided to those concerned about missing out courtesy of Sodexo. Turkeys topped with salad will be sent to all students with meat allergies. Remote exams would be held the week after Thanksgiving.

Chris Bonneau, the President of the University Senate, said he was surprised to hear about the altered academic calendar in the news.

“While beginning the semester early was always an option, we were not informed that a decision was made,” Bonneau said. “I hope this was just an oversight and not an indication of reduced faculty involvement in the plans for next year.”

Eric Macadangdang, the president of the Student Government Board, said he believed the academic calendar was due to be finalized on Monday.

Chancellor Gallagator said last month that no options for the fall were “entirely on or off the table.” Three elite task forces planning the exact same parts of fall operations delivered recommendation reports to Gallagator at the end of May, and he has said he will deliver initial guidance early this month, with more complete information in early July. Realistically though, this will probably be given the week before classes start, because Pitt is incapable of informing students on important matters in a timely manner.

“Our intention is to maximize what we can do, consistent with our obligation to comply with state orders,” Gallagator said at May’s Senate Council meeting, when they actually made the decision that we’d be going back to campus August 10th. Relevant article

 

A Comprehensive Guide to Reading Homestuck While Quarantined

By: Abby Stoudt
The Wednesday after finals ended in April, I set out on a personal journey of immense proportions. I decided to finally sit down and read the entirety of Homestuck. Prior to that fateful week, the idea of diving headfirst into the 8000-page interactive webcomic-slash-flash extravaganza that is Homestuck had seemed way too intimidating to even attempt to concern myself with. Twenty-nine days later I saw the words that made my whole journey worthwhile: “The End.” I had done it; I had finally read Homestuck. It had only taken nearly a month of reading every day for hours on end
to accomplish. The experience was exhilarating. I leapt up off of my bed and exclaimed “I did it! I finished Homestuck!” My mom stuck her head in my room to ask me what I was yelling about. I turned my laptop around to show her the credits. She told me she was proud of me. My little sister told me she didn’t care. Now, in the aftermath of my adventure, I have comprised a pretty comprehensive guide to help you too
read Homestuck while you’re home, stuck. Pun intended. First off, if you want to read Homestuck, you’re going to want to set aside at least a solid month in order
to do that. I read pretty fast, so my reading took just under a month and that was with multiple viewings of page 7449. I couldn’t help it, I’m a sucker for Vriska.
Next, you’re probably going to want to get familiar with the Homestuck wiki. Throughout your reading, you are going to be introduced to dozens and dozens of characters with complex backstories and names that are difficult to remember. The wiki WILL become your best friend. When you start reading Homestuck it would probably be best to call your actual best friend and let them know you are replacing
them. You’re probably going to forget why Aradia suddenly stopped being dead even though she was always dead, and the wiki will remind you of why she’s back. (Spoiler: she’s a time aspect so she just jumped into the Alpha timeline from a timeline where she never died. I think.) Also, it will behoove you to form a support group of sorts. Mine consisted of three of my best and closest friends. First, I had a friend who was formerly into Homestuck. They formed the emotional support portion of my group. They were there to understand me when I was overcome with Homestuck brain worms and needed someone to talk to. They were there to create a self-insert kidsona with me
and talk about how awesome Vriska is. Yeah, she was an asshole, but you have to look past that. She’s the glue that holds the whole story together. This friend is best accompanied by an indifferent and an anti-Homestuck friend. My indifferent friend was there to poke gentle fun at my newfound hobby. She would tease me about how much time I spent reading it and I would tease her right back about reading Twilight in less than a week. My anti-Homestuck friend however, kept me humble. She called me out for
reblogging Homestuck memes from my pro-Homestuck friend on Tumblr. Mostly however, she ultimately reminded me that at the end of the day, I was wasting my time.
You know what, maybe I was wasting my time this past month. Honestly though, who cares! Time isn’t real, the world isn’t real, and sometimes it’s just fun to escape for a few weeks and totally immerse yourself into an internet phenomenon. Anyways, I hope this guide inspires and helps you along your own Homestuck journey. If anyone needs
me, I will be spending the next few weeks reading the epilogues and catching up on Homestuck 2. Your journey might end at page 8129, but mine is eternal.

Places We Want to go on Vacay when Quarantine Ends

By Tyler, Savannah, Abby, Sonya

  1. Walt Disney World just so that I can high-five Phineas and Ferb then go home
  2. The cheese department in Wegmans
  3. Giant Eagle, the one I don’t normally go to
  4. Publix
  5. Los Angeles so that I can hang around all of the cool places that I think Jeff Goldblum would go in hopes that our eyes lock across the crowded room and I use a series of suggestive eyebrow waggles and winks to tell him that I want to be his best friend. I then leave but not before covertly sticking a handmade friendship bracelet into his hand without him noticing, bewildering him and sending him on a many years long quest to find me again and give me his own homemade friendship bracelet. It is nowhere as nice as mine is, but it’s the thought that counts.
  6. Applebees
  7. A vacation home in the woods that houses seven odd-personalitied short men that like to whistle as they work in the mines.
  8. The hair salon
  9. Universal Studios to see the Trolls and drink butterbeer :)
  10. Dutch Bros Coffee (unless I get a green straw)
  11. The Old Mill at Kennywood… wait nevermind
  12. My Girlfriend’s house, once I get a girlfriend, and she gets a house, and she invites me over of course, because I would not want to show up un announced, well not again, this is all assuming that I have broken into my girlfriend’s house before, possibly that is how we got together
  13.  Lush so that I can eat the bath bombs
  14.  Kansas
  15.  The butterfly room at Longwood Gardens
  16.  Claires to hit up all that new Jojo Siwa swag
  17.  The Monongahela National Forest to find bigfoot ;))
  18.  An island so I can, in all seriousness, sell turnips in real life and live a peaceful life
  19.  Wherever Carmen Sandiego is
  20.  A bar, because I will be 21, and I would like to die in a bar fight
  21.  To a nice pond to go frog-sighting
  22.  All the places Covid went so I can go on a fun world tour
  23.  To kiss my girlfriend, as with before (see #12), if I have one, if I do not then I will “borrow” a girl to become my girlfriend
  24. Prison (see #23)