Places I definitely know you can’t find weed

By the writers of the Pittiful News

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None of us know where you can find weed, but hopefully we can help you narrow it down a bit by telling you places that most likely do NOT have weed. Trust us, one of us checked (all of us would have gone but some of the places weren’t six feet wide).

  1. Downtown
  2. The meth dealer who sells to a man who owns many tigers
  3. The bros in the Blaze pizza basement 
  4. MAKING MY WAY DOWN TOWN, WALKIN FAST, FACES Dammit, we SAID you can’t find weed downtown, why would you go downtown
  5. Behind the Sour Patch Kids at Wawa
  6. William, Friend of Randy.
  7. Sugar daddies (I tried to enlist multiple. Didn’t work.)
  8. “Doctor Mike” Michael/Mikhail Varshavski, D.O.
  9. East side of Sutherland (be smart like the Honors kids, kids, don’t smoke weed)
  10. South Dithridge St.
  11. Randy. He lives in the law building, because he’s training to be a lawyer so he can get you weed someday and not get you in trouble for getting weed. He always shows up to trials stoned. 
  12. I WOULD WALK 500 MILES AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE, JUST TO BE THE MAN WHO WALKS A THOUSAND MILES and may or may not have weed 
  13. Schenley Plaza
  14. Denny’s parking lot at 2:46 A.M.
  15. The outdoor cats in the neighborhood
  16. Proudly proclaim that you like weed and the weed genie will show up and give you 3 weed wishes (wishes that pertain to weed)
  17. In your weird roommate’s quarantine brownies
  18. The top left drawer of my desk behind the stapler and box of pencils, in room 420 in tower B

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