Podcasts We’re Considering Starting

By the writers of the Pittiful News (Sonya, Tyler, Abby, Eric, Savannah)

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  1. Podcast – basically just whale sounds.
  2. podCast – a special about casts. Only for people with broken bones.
  3. PodCast – presenting a pod of whales with casts because they all have broken bones. Basically a cetological veterinary podcast (like Whale Bones)
  4. Codcast – a podcast about fish, specifically cod.
  5. The Oddcast – a podcast specifically not about whales.
  6. The Whale Zone – a whale-themed real-play D&D whale-venture.
  7. A podcast that is just 55 minutes of me trying to figure out whether the audio recording software is working. Script: “Is this thing on?”
  8. Wails – a sick guitar jam sesh, with lots of wailing
  9. Wales – a very serious socio-historical study of the country in the United Kingdom
  10. Walls – a series where we describe paint colors to the best of our abilities without actually showing them
  11. Wonderwalls, because maybe
  12. Wonderwhales (today’s gonna be the bay) 
  13. *Dory voice* MMOoooOOOOORRRWWWW
  14. Killer Whales – a true crime series on infamous whale serial killers.
  15. The Whale Orcaives – a horror podcast about whales.
  16. Can I Pet Your Whale? 
    1. He don’t bite
      1. Yes he do
  17. My Whale, my Whale, and me – advice from whales, about whales, for whales.
  18. Is He Whaley Sorry? – whale dating advice by Seventeen
  19. Whale, What Are You Waiting For? – a motivational podcast about finding your porpoise. 
  20. Pearl – a podcast about dental hygiene.
  21. Plankton – a fitness podcast about planking.
  22. Sperm Whale – a podcast about male sexual health and fertility
  23. I’m not sure, maybe something about dolphins?
  24. Free Willy – a podcast about whale streaking
  25. Podcast, but Outside the whale tank at SeaWorld. Special Guest: Shamu
  26. *happy whale noises*
  27. Welcome to Whale Vale – twice-monthly pod updates for the small oceanic town of Whale Vale where every whale swims free.
  28. Humpback Mountain – a story about confused whales, in a strict society of whales, where whale-whale love is FORBIDDEN
  29. Tiny Whale Gang – remember Sea Monkeys? It’s like that, but with whales. 
  30. Fin – a podcast made by artsy whales about French whale films 

I took a long spring break, what happened while I was gone?

By Tyler Sikov

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So, I took a long spring break and did not check my email at all while I was away. I showed up a month late to my class and there is no one here.  I waited for the entire class timeslot and then went on to my sculpture class. I saw no one on my way there and I was locked out of the building. Since I could not figure out what was happening, I decided to do something I love: run up to complete strangers and give them a big hug. Now I am a fast runner but some of these people must hate to be hugged because they ran away like their lives depended on it. Since I was running so much, I was very red in the face and warm and I had a bit of trouble catching my breath. Plus, it is spring so I have my normal pollen allergy coughs. Once I was done with my brief coughing fit, I decided to go into the Union and see if anyone was around. At first, I did not see anyone so I did what I usually do when I am bored: lick every surface within reach. Some cleaning person can around and started cleaning off the tables that I had worked so hard to lick clean, but lucky for me I love the taste of lemon Lysol wipes so I just re-licked the tables.  I was “politely” asked to leave, but since they were not very polite I “kindly” declined. When the police arrived they were all wearing gloves and masks, so to mock them I pulled out the gloves and mask that I keep in the lab coat I am always wearing. We got in the police car and one of the officers was really freaking out about getting some “corona”, which I was confused why he was talking about beer on the job but hey, I’m not a police officer so what would I know. It seemed like he was worried about germs in his mouth so I gave him my flask filled with bleach that I have on me at all times in case I want to take the edge off. Then they told me we had to “zoom” the police chief so when they started a video call with the chief I made an airplane noise every time he tried to talk. I was not really in the mood to go to jail again, especially since this time I had not released a zoo full of animals loose on the city, yet. So, I got out of the car and ran away coughing and threatening to lick them if they followed me, which was honestly more effective than I expected. So now I am at home doing what the government has suggested: Social Dissidence. Stay safe out there, and remember you don’t need to outrun the police, you just need to bring a slower running friend with you.

Places I definitely know you can’t find weed

By the writers of the Pittiful News

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None of us know where you can find weed, but hopefully we can help you narrow it down a bit by telling you places that most likely do NOT have weed. Trust us, one of us checked (all of us would have gone but some of the places weren’t six feet wide).

  1. Downtown
  2. The meth dealer who sells to a man who owns many tigers
  3. The bros in the Blaze pizza basement 
  4. MAKING MY WAY DOWN TOWN, WALKIN FAST, FACES Dammit, we SAID you can’t find weed downtown, why would you go downtown
  5. Behind the Sour Patch Kids at Wawa
  6. William, Friend of Randy.
  7. Sugar daddies (I tried to enlist multiple. Didn’t work.)
  8. “Doctor Mike” Michael/Mikhail Varshavski, D.O.
  9. East side of Sutherland (be smart like the Honors kids, kids, don’t smoke weed)
  10. South Dithridge St.
  11. Randy. He lives in the law building, because he’s training to be a lawyer so he can get you weed someday and not get you in trouble for getting weed. He always shows up to trials stoned. 
  12. I WOULD WALK 500 MILES AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE, JUST TO BE THE MAN WHO WALKS A THOUSAND MILES and may or may not have weed 
  13. Schenley Plaza
  14. Denny’s parking lot at 2:46 A.M.
  15. The outdoor cats in the neighborhood
  16. Proudly proclaim that you like weed and the weed genie will show up and give you 3 weed wishes (wishes that pertain to weed)
  17. In your weird roommate’s quarantine brownies
  18. The top left drawer of my desk behind the stapler and box of pencils, in room 420 in tower B

100% Accurate Oscars 2021 Predictions

By Abby Stoudt

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I know that a few months ago, I published an article explaining why I boycott the Oscars every year. However I think this may soon change. This Friday saw the release of the second installment in the Trolls cinematic universe: Trolls: World Tour. I think I speak for everyone who has seen and will ever see the film, when I say that this movie nearly rocked my Trolls-themed Crocs off. (It didn’t though, don’t worry. I had on the sports strap.)

This brings me to my main point: here are my predictions for the 2021 Oscars. I think I speak for all the other Troll-heads out there when I say that 2021 is going to be our year. Trolls: World Tour doesn’t top its predecessor, but then again, it’s hard to top perfection.

Without further ado, here are my predictions so far for the 2021 Oscars:

Best Picture – Trolls: World Tour

Best Actor – Justin Timberlake (Branch): Trolls: World Tour

Best Actress – Anna Kendrick (Queen Poppy): Trolls: World Tour

Best Director – Walt Dohrn: Trolls: World Tour

Best Supporting Actress – Rachel Bloom (Queen Barb): Trolls: World Tour

Best Supporting Actor – Kenan Thompson (Tiny Diamond): Trolls: World Tour

Best Animated Feature – Do I even have to say this one?

Best Visual Effects – Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)

Best Original Song – “Just Sing” (Justin Timberlake, Anna Kendrick, Kelly Clarkson, Mary J. Blige, Anderson .Paak, Kenan Thompson): Trolls: World Tour

Most Glitter in a Single Scene – Trolls: World Tour

This might seem like overkill, but I mean it when I say that Trolls: World Tour is one of the best movies to come out of 2020. It was fantastic. Even my mother, who couldn’t honestly care less about the Trolls franchise, somewhat enjoyed it. You know what, when I think about it, I think my mom might have disliked the Trolls franchise before this weekend. She really wasn’t too happy with me ordering a $40 pair of Trolls-themed Crocs, and then using her cable bill to rent Trolls: World Tour, or with listening to my Trolls Original Soundtrack vinyl at max volume for a week straight, and then with me ordering the limited edition color press Trolls: World Tour soundtrack vinyl during our Easter bingo Zoom with the family. What I’m really getting at is that Trolls: World Tour was a great film.

Trolls: World Tour is currently available to rent on demand through pretty much wherever you can rent movies online. Do yourself a favor and put aside an hour and thirty minutes to treat yourself.

‘Visitors to the Cathedral of Learning’ starter pack

By Sir Craig Giàrç Streatt (guest contributor)

Cathy visitor starter

  1. Bags of University Store (or The Pitt Shop) merchandise
  2. Might already be wearing Pittsburgh merch (Pitt, Panthers, Steelers, Pens, Pirates)
  3. “U of Pitt” and “U Pitt”
  4. Fanny packs and maybe also sunhats
  5. “Apparently there’s a Chik-fil-A here,” they said, walking towards Cathedral Café.
  6. Enunciating their order at Cathedral Coffee
  7. Asking for a Frappuccino at Cathedral Coffee, as if it’s a freaking Starbucks 
  8. “Where’s the Chik-fil-A?”
  9. Struggling with the elevators
  10. Pictures by the wooden chair in Commons
  11. Pictures in front by the fountain (seasonal)
  12. Pictures near that plaque that says ‘Historical Landmark’
  13. Pictures from the second and third floors (for that #Hogwarts view)
  14. “Excuse me, where’s the bathroom?”
  15. Opening doors in the middle of classes, bonus points if it’s a Nationality Room
  16. “Which floor is the honors floor?”

How many bricks does it take to build a wall?

By Sonya Acharya

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When I set out to answer this question, I hadn’t a fucking clue how many bricks it would take. Like not even a ballpark answer. So I decided to go hands on and start laying bricks and walk you through the process so we can figure it out together. Walls are good for enforcing social distance, and if you don’t have bricks, you can just use those extra-crusty-and-now-also-stale loaves of bread from when you goofed your quarantine baking. If you don’t even have those, then maybe you shouldn’t be building a wall in the first place, did you consider that?

Brick 1: That’s not a wall, that’s a singular brick. But it’s a great start! Let’s keep going.

Brick 2: Too small for wall. Need to add more bricks.

Brick 3: There’s a tiny wall! Let’s keep going! And make it bigger!

Brick 4: Yesss. Just like that.

Brick 5: OK, that’s long enough for a wall, let’s make it taller.

Brick 6: Slap this baby on top of the other bricks! That’s right folks, we got a second row! This wall’s gonna be so tall, I can’t wait!

Brick 7: Keep going with that second row! My mom’s going to be so happy when she sees this. #MakeMomProud

Brick 8: Tap him into place, make sure he’s nice and comfy.

Wait how many are we at?

… 5, 6, 7, 8 *jazz number begins*

Brick 9: Whew, it’s getting hot in here. Putting bricks down is kind of sexy. *jazz intensifies*

Brick 10: Row three, you guys! Brick 10’s a lucky guy to start the third row. Look at how tall the wall’s getting, you can trip over it now!

Brick 11: Brick. Bread. Wall.

Brick 12: Oh gosh, I’m so sorry sweetie, Brick 11 is just a rebellious teenager who’s upset about this sick jazz number, the ungrateful punk. I think you’re beautiful.

Brick 13: Row four, WOO!!! Get out your ladders fellas, we’re touching the sky for this one!

Brick 14: OK, we’re done. Look, there it is, we’ve built a wall.

The Gorgonzolaspel of Mozzarellathew

By Eric Brinling

 

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In the little cheese town of Bandelthlehem in the land of Curdea lived a young cheese couple, and their names were Montmary Jack and Asiagoseph. One day an aurangel of Go(u)d(a) came to Montmary Jack in her sleep, and told her that she would have a cheese son. Asiagoseph was understandably confused, as he had not yet Liederkranzed (which is a cheese euphemism) with her. Montmary Jack confirmed his suspicions, saying “This is nacho son.”

And yet, Asiagoseph stayed with Montmary Jack. Nine cheese months later Montmary Jack gave birth to an adoberable babybel, whom she named Cheesus. The brie wise men camembert to them, bringing gifts of goulda, fetacense, and myrrh (but like, cheese myrrh).

Many long cheese years passed. When he was a cheese adult (a manchego), Cheesus wandered provolone for forty cheese days in the dessert (which was cheesecake). There he was tempted by Quesatan, but Cheesus stayed strong. He saw Quesatan for the muenster he was. 

Then Cheesus began his mishistry. He gathered twelve cheese disciples, such as Piaveter, Judas Iscurdiot, and John (who was also made of cheese, but simply didn’t have a cheese pun name). Cheesus preached a simple message, that whoever brielieves in him shall not parmesarish, but have eternal labneh. 

But Cheesus began to grate on Judas Iscurdiot and make him blue, so Judas sought to betray (like, a cheese tray) him. He met with the big cheese Okaiaphas, and sold out Cheesus for only thirty fried cheese curds (painted silver with food dye). Judas Iscurdiot would later curdmit suicide, by the whey.

And so, betrayed (again, like a cheese tray) by Judas Iscurdiot, Cheesus would be crucifried (a process in which cheese is stapled to a cross and dipped in boiling oil, and thereby fried) by the authoricheese.

But lo! They thought Cheesus was fried to perfection (which is why it’s called Good Fryday) and they buried him like Formaggio di Fossa, but three cheese days later he Brös again, and appeared once more to his cheese disciples before ascending to Heavarti.

And that is why we celebrate Cheester.

Side Effects of the Newest Medication

iStock_000003170170XSmall-e1546620899276By Tyler Sikov

 

The FDA has just approved a new medication, with some user info. Here are some possible side effects:

  1. Dry mouth
  2. Wet mouth
  3. Blindness
  4. Increased sight
  5. Jazz hands
  6. Droopy face
  7. Uncontrollable smiling
  8. Coughing
  9. Extra lung
  10. Lack of appetite
  11. Increased appetite
  12. Smooth Jazz Syndrome
  13. Death
  14. Reincarnation
  15. Mild-to-severe plaque psoriasis
  16. Cancer
  17. More death
  18. Hearth failure
  19. Heart success
  20. Resurrection
  21. First love
  22. A heartfelt letter from the Make-A-Wish Foundation
  23. More pain than you had before taking this medicine
  24. Anything else that could ever possibly happen to anyone who is or is not taking this medicine

Ask your doctor for Jazzatrol!! (Or just look for it on store shelves.)

Pittiful Advice: I’m worried that my dentist is a loser.

Editor’s Note: The original question was – “I’m worried that my dentist is a loser. Every time I go to see him (which is often, for I am a prospector, and my teeth are as rotten as the day is long) he always seems so lonely. None of the other dentists seem to hang out with him, or to playfully rib him – you know, the way dentists do, with that famous humor of theirs. If this continues, I’m afraid I’m going to have to find a new dentist. Please help!”

 

I’m so glad you reached out, but boy oh boy have you got a nasty problem on your hands. No-one wants a loser dentist, least of all a prospector. Unfortunately, if he’s getting excluded from that playful inter-dentist ribbing, you might have to throw the whole dentist away, because there’s no coming back from a blow like that.

There’s two things you can do: you can either find a new dentist stat and leave this one to rot like your teeth (hopefully your new dentist can save your teeth though, you need them biters!), or you can find a new dentist but before you leave, gently drop this one some tips on how to be a little bit cool so he doesn’t die  alone. Here are some suggestions:

  1. Wear sunglasses. 😎
  2. Hot-glue lizards to the ceiling above the chair.
  3. Wall art so the office reflects his personality. Examples – a  ‘Live Laugh Love’ sign to show he’s breezy and chill, that ‘Fight Club’ poster with Brad Pitt to show that he’s updated on pop culture.
  4. Can’t go wrong with one or more office dogs.
  5. Above all, don’t forget to not be yourself! :) 

 

Need help with a major life decision? Confused on how best to respond to that risky text? Write to our advice column at https://forms.gle/92Z8tgZvDnrE9go66

We ~might~ be able to ~guide~ you in the ~right~ direction!

Tired dentist in his office waiting for patient

Types of Hands

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By the writers of the Pittiful News

  1. Jazz hands
  2. Party hands
  3. Helping hands
  4. Sticky hands, with sticky fingers
  5. Small hands
  6. Grabby hands
  7. A singular piece of what a random website calls Plastic Robot Claw Hand Grabber Grabbing Stick Kid Boy Toy Move and Grab Things
  8. Cold hands
  9. Warm hands
  10. Slappy hands
  11. Raccoon hands!
  12. Hands, touching hands (reaching out)
  13. Farm hands
  14. Funny hands, with funny bones
  15. Near hands
  16. Far hands
  17. Wherever you are hands
  18. Stay at home hands (please)
  19. Hand, with five little piggies on it
  20. Handy Manny
  21. Goose strangler – sometimes they give you no choice