Top 15 People Who Should Have Been Stabbed Instead of Caesar 😏🗡

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By the writers of The Pittiful News

  1. Alexander the Great: see library of Alexandria for details
  2. The “squish” lady’s husband from Chicago: he did run into that knife, he ran into it TEN TIMES 
  3. Becky from Poli-Sci: obviously
  4. [REDACTED]: [REDACTED]
  5. Susan from the back of the line at Costco: she took the last can of Lysol
  6. The old design of Sonic the Hedgehog™: why he got human teeth though
  7. The farmer from The Untitled Goose Game: he makes me have a tewwible-howwible-no-good-vewy-bad day
  8. Regina George: she is in my burn book
  9. Pittiful News Writer #7
  10. French dressing: it’s just so bad
  11. Susan from pilates: she is just too bendy and always shows it off
  12. Scrappy Doo: looking at him ignites my fight instinct
  13. Brutus
  14. Mamma Mia: here we go again, she’s been broken-hearted anyway
  15. Susan from book club who’s slightly racist

Pie Flavors That the FDA Doesn’t Want You to Know About

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By the writers of The Pittiful News

Ever wondered what that would taste like? Now’s your chance! Try these pies before the FDA catches on!

  1. Blue raspberry pie
  2. Watermelon LiP SMACKER pie
  3. Dead grandma apple pie – This is real, so basically this girl in sculpture class said her favorite smell was apple pie, like it’s the only thing she eats, but like not any GARBAGE apple pie, no 7/11 apple pie and no Giant Eagle apple pie, none of your mother’s apple pie, I’m talking about the pie her dead grandmother made tons of and froze before she ate the recipe and died
  4. New York City pigeon pie
  5. Pion (a subatomic particle that consists of a quark and an antiquark and is therefore a meson – the lightest one – that has a lifetime of either 26.033 nanoseconds or 84 attoseconds and a mass approximately 270 times that of an electron)
  6. Some sweet, sweet cheddar cheesecake
  7. A tray of Orbeez (any flavor) with whipped cream
  8. An entire pineapple pizza

What we did with an extra day

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By the writers of the Pittiful News

(Abby, Eric, Sonya, Tyler, Zach, Pittiful News Writer #7)

So we got an extra day but then we had an hour taken away but we always manage to have fun anyway!

  1. I body swapped with John Mulaney and hosted Saturday Night Live!
  2. I had to console my roommate over Ferb’s body shape.
  3. I had some tea.
  4. I took a moment of remembrance for Mao Zedong’s Second Five Year Plan, also known as the Great Leap Forward.
  5. I made random noises for three hours while playing games.
  6. I remarried my divorced husband.
  7. I lost 2 karma on Reddit.
  8. I really wanted chips and queso so I went to Chipotle even though my roommate told me not to because there was a line out the door, and I wanted to leave when I saw how long the line was but this girl I don’t like got in line behind me so then I couldn’t leave because I didn’t want to look weak, so I waited for thirty minutes and them they didn’t even have chips and so I sadly ordered a burrito bowl but it was without corn because they were out of that too (and corn’s my favorite part), and then I put too much Tabasco on it because the girl I don’t like was also putting Tabasco on her food and again, I had to assert my dominance.
  9. I put on socks.
  10. I went to Chipotle. It was OK.