Pull Off the Perfect Scam on April Fools’ Day!

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By Zach Hartman

Start by setting up a false identity as the son of a new car salesman. Use it to trick the hosts of a popular web show into running a sweepstakes, where they’ll give away a new car which your father will provide to the first contestant who answers a riddle correctly. Enter the sweepstakes as your real identity and win, since unbeknownst to them, you set up the whole thing and already know the right answer. The horse’s name was Friday!

Now the hosts of the web show will be forced to buy you a car, since they won’t actually have one because the sweepstakes was fake. The LCC will have to shut down their website for false advertising (which was your real motive all along since they’re your arch-nemeses and it’s been your lifetime dream to get their show off the web ever since the one host rejected you). But! Luckily for them, the web show star’s brother is a fan of Galaxy Wars and happens to have just purchased a Proton Cruiser (which he was disappointed to find is actually a replica). They can solve both of their problems and combine the two stories brilliantly by giving you the Proton Cruiser!

It is technically a “new car” after all, having never been state-registered before, and it’s able to travel under its own power at a speed of 25 miles per hour. And there you go, you’ve successfully scammed some high-schoolers out of a Proton Cruiser replica!

How to Prank Someone

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By the writers of the Pittiful News

  1. A good first step to any prank is to take a brand new roll of Saran wrap out of the kitchen drawer.
  2. Next, you’re going to need to apologize to the roll of Saran wrap for what is about to happen to it. But not too much, because it needs to still be on board.
  3. Wash your damn hands before you do anything.
  4. Replace the contents of the bottle of dish soap with dishwasher pods. Just stuff whole pods in there.
  5. Wrap the bottle with Saran wrap, then slam the roll of Saran wrap hard enough into the trash to make sure  that everyone else in the house knows you’re throwing away the last roll of Saran wrap.
  6. You can’t go out to buy more Saran wrap. Your food will rot. You idiot.
  7. Dance break! 🕺 (Make sure you’re hydrated during your break.)
    • Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
    • Que tu cuerpo es pa’ darle alegria y cosa buena
    • Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
    • Hey Macarena
  8. Open the fridge and locate the last cup of your sister’s favorite yogurt. Eat it.
  9. Leave a note inside the yogurt cup that says “Pranked”.
  10. Return the yogurt cup to the fridge.
  11. Retrieve the Saran wrap roll from the garbage. Apologize to it again.
  12. Mentally prepare yourself to prank someone with your Saran wrap.
  13. Cut a sizeable amount.
  14. You know what to do ;)
  15. Dance break part 2: the return of the dance break! 💃 
    • Mamma mia, here I go again
    • My my, how can I resist you?
    • Mamma mia, does it show again
    • My my, just how much I’ve missed you?
  16. Post-dance break hydration break
  17. You know what you did. :(
  18. Giggle break!! 
  19. Thank the Saran wrap for its service.
  20. Wash your hands with the dish soap.
  21. Oops its dishwasher pods! You just pranked YOURSELF. How does that feel? :/

Things That’ll Put the ‘Fun’ in Funeral!

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By Tyler Sikov

  1. Bringing milk
  2. Ventriloquism with the deceased
  3. Stealing personal items
  4. Selling black umbrellas
  5. Making bets on who will die next
  6. Hiring a lookalike to be in the coffin, and then having them jump out while the real body is wearing a big hat in the back row so no one expects a thing
  7. Joke routines
  8. Directing people to the wrong grave and pushing someone in
  9. Applying makeup to the body
  10. Playing the organ but claiming to only know how to play trap and pop music (especially ‘Play Good Music At My Funeral’ by iamnotshane)
  11. Killing someone else
  12. Balloons
  13. Eat all the hors d’oeuvres

I Bought My Nintendo Switch in 2018 so I Could Play the March 2020 Animal Crossing

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By Savannah Teman

It’s been 8 years. I have waited a little under 8 years for this game to be released. It was almost long enough for me to forget the game even existed. Yet I held out for this game. I bought my Nintendo Switch™ in 2018 solely to play the Animal Crossing that came out in March 2020, and these are the reasons why:

  1. Animals that cost 60 dollars
  2. Companionship that costs 60 dollars
  3. A vacation that costs 60 dollars
  4. The ability to put cute cases with Animal Crossing designs on my Switch
  5. The fact that if I wanted to make a bunch of dumb little people fight against each other I can just swat villagers with my butterfly net
  6. You don’t HAVE to talk to the people in your town
  7. Any mini game you can play on your Switch you can play on Animal Crossing:
    1. Hide and go seek
    2. Fishing tournaments
    3. Gardening
  8. Also essentially any hobby you could have in real life you can have in Animal Crossing

Alternative Uses For Your Cat

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By Tyler Sikov

Do you feel like your cat is not contributing enough to the household? Well, here are some ways to make them earn their keep:

  1. Letter opener – they have sharp claws, might as well use them
  2. Loofah – watch out for the prickly points
  3. Towel – it is recommended that you not use the same cat as your cat-loofah
  4. Pedicures – their tongues make great exfoliants
  5. Masseuse – they will kneed you into oblivion
  6. Pillow – they are just so soft and will lull you to sleep with their purring
  7. Portable heater – they generate their own heat and are great at sharing it, this can help reduce your heat bill
  8. Therapist – you can talk to them for hours and they will listen, they have big ears to prove they are good listeners
  9. Instagram Model – Step 1: take pictures of your cat, Step 2: post them online, Step 3: profit

Borat: An Honest Review

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By Abby Stoudt

I have never seen Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, but I do have a lot of opinions about it. 99% of my knowledge about the movie’s plot is non-existent the other 1% comes from knowing two words from the entire movie. I literally have no idea about what this movie could be about

Actually, I know so little about the movie that I don’t even know what Borat looks like. In my head he looks like Mr. Bean but he also has a mustache. I don’t want to know what he actually looks like because that would ruin the magic of never seeing the movie. I think that I could possibly go the rest of my life without seeing Borat, and I’d probably be okay with that. 

That plot twist that happened an hour and 12 minutes in completely blew my mind! I couldn’t believe what I was watching! (I am completely assuming that there was a plot twist because of course, I have never actually seen Borat.)

Personally, I think that my favorite part of Borat was when he said “my wife” in a funny accent. I thought it was hilarious. I still laugh about it to this day whenever I think about it too hard. I would also like to be super honest here and say that I actually haven’t heard the guy from Borat say “my wife,” but I have heard a lot of people do impressions of that line and I always think it’s pretty funny. Well, I get the reference at least. I don’t think that I have ever laughed when I’ve heard someone do a Borat impression.

I don’t know how long Borat is, but I don’t know how I would be able to watch it. However long it takes before he actually says “my wife” would be agonizing. I feel like I would be on the edge of my seat waiting for the pinnacle line. Whatever happens after that would be disappointing because it would be after the movie’s peak. 

Overall, I think Borat was a pretty good movie. You should watch it if you ever get the chance. I know I won’t! 

Official rating – 5 out of 5 stars