What’s in the elephant’s trunk?

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By the writers of the Pittiful News

  1. A monk
  2. Some funk
  3. Bed, bunk
  4. Something I drunk
  5. A little spotted skunk!
  6. Alvin the chipmunk
  7. My battleship, you sunk
  8. A spunky hunk’s hunky spunk
  9. An AM radio
  10. A vintage Louis Vuitton trunk
  11. A myth the elephant plans to debunk
  12. Junque

I wore green today.

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By Eric Brinling

I wore green today. Well, technically it was yesterday, but literally right now it is 12:00 am so really it feels like today. 

I wore green. I’ve never worn green before. I always thought it was an inferior color. Typically I dress in shades of grey and blue, for the express purpose of blending into the sky whether the day is clear or cloudy (I am rather tall in comparison to most people). Sometimes I dress in blacks or reds, but only when I feel like blending into the night or a pool filled with blood (or fruit punch). My favorite color is orange, but I rarely wear it, lest I be mistaken for a Buddhist monk. Purple is scary.

But today I wore green. It started when I looked in my drawer, and saw a green shirt. I thought to myself, “Do I own a green shirt?” and I could only assume the answer was “Yes, Eric, you do own a green shirt,” because there was, in fact, a green shirt in my drawer. 

Then I looked in my other drawer, the one with the pants. There were green pants in there. They were like jeans, but green. I called them greans. The presence of the greans was interesting, because I don’t own greans. Or I didn’t, but now I do. 

I hadn’t even touched the green shirt or the greans, but suddenly they were on me. I hadn’t been wearing socks a moment ago, but now I was, and they, too, were green. I grew frightened, and with shaking hands I unzipped the zipper on the greans to find that my boxers, too, were green. 

I thought about changing, but I was too busy not wanting to do that, so I decided instead to just put up with my new wardrobe. I put on my (newly green) shoes and exited the building. I stayed on the sidewalk, for fear that the small patches of grass might think of me as one of their own and swallow me whole before I got the chance to explore other career options as a green-clad man. 

As I walked down the street, people began to stare. I thought perhaps I had something in my teeth, but then I remembered that I was dressed entirely in green, and that might draw some attention. I passed some trees, and thought about becoming a leaf, but I thought better of it. Leaves have a frighteningly short lifespan.

Something green on the ground caught my eye. It was a dollar! It was then that I resolved to become paper currency, which in America is conveniently green. I walked up to the nearest old woman and snuck into her purse. Merely three days later she shoved me into the slot of a vending machine, and in exchange she received a bag of split pea soup.

How did YOU spend your V-Day?

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By the writers of The Pittiful News

So we all had Valentine’s Days. And they were pretty good days. Let’s play a game so you can engage with our good days – match the Valentine’s Day to the Pittiful News writer!

1.     I think my boyfriend fed me old fish.

2.     I had 2 Portuguese chicken sandwiches. With sauce!

3.     I divorced my husband.

4.     Three men made me dinner and I didn’t know any of them.

5.     My boyfriend and I went to a nice restaurant. And he gave me like a nice balloon and flowers and stuff?

6.     I played chess against a computer and I lost and I ate Zach’s pickle with a bunch of salami.

7.     I made gingerbread cookies but they were really shitty and they gave me the toots ☹.

8.     I gave a flower to the most important woman in my life – my mom.

9.     I tipped my Uber driver twice.

10.  My husband divorced me.

 

 

Abby

Blair

Eric

Jeff (Goldblum, honorary member)

Savannah

Sonya

Tyler

Zach

Why I Boycotted the Oscars this Year for the Third Time in a Row

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By Abby Stoudt

It’s Oscar season folks, and once again I boycotted the event. This was my third year in a row refusing to watch the Oscars. In my personal opinion, the Oscars haven’t been worth watching since 2017 when Trolls, the beloved DreamWorks animated film starring Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberlake, was nominated for best original song and then tragically lost to “La La Land.”

Sure, my opinions on Trolls may be “biased” because I first watched the movie during an “emotionally difficult” time in my life, but I don’t think that this information is relevant. Trolls is a heartwarming, emotional, life-changing movie. No other film franchise had the guts to try and do what Trolls did. What other movie would dare to make the world fall in love with those creepy 80’s toys? What writer would be bold enough to make a character in a children’s movie feel lifelong guilt for causing the death of their grandmother because they were singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler? What other director would choose to use the Gorillaz song “Clint Eastwood” to give background to a whole race of fantasy creatures? The answer is Trolls. They were daring enough to do all of these things and turn it all into a masterpiece, and yet didn’t win an Oscar.

Not to mention, the soundtrack goes off.

Other awards shows that I refuse to watch, after the tragedy of the 2017 awards season, are the American Music Awards, Annie Awards, Billboard Music Awards, Critics’ Choice Awards, Golden Globe Awards, Guild of Music Supervisors Awards, iHeartRadio Music Awards, Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, Satellite Awards, Saturn Awards, St. Louis Gateway Film Critics Association Awards, Teen Choice Awards, and the World Soundtrack Awards. In all, Trolls was nominated for 28 awards and only won 3 that season.

I do not boycott the Grammys, Hollywood Film Awards, or Hollywood Music in Media Awards, however, because all three rightfully awarded Trolls the accolades that it deserves. (It should be noted that for these three awards, Trolls won for “Can’t Stop the Feeling,” the song that lost to “City of Stars” in the 2017 Oscars.)

If the sequel to Trolls, Trolls: World Tour, is nominated for any awards in 2021, I will watch the awards ceremonies for every one of which Trolls is a nominee. I will resume watching any awards show from 2021 on if they give Trolls: World Tour an award, as if 2017 never happened.

Underrated Romantic Movies to Watch Before You Dump Your Significant Other

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By the Writers of The Pittiful News

  1. Gnomeo and Juliet – Just as romantic as the original but with lawn gnomes! And they don’t die at the end! The old people fall in love at the end! I’ve seen it like 4 times and I don’t really remember anything else, but there’s a sequel!
  2. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel – He gets married in the movie, after proposing like 3 times.
  3. Coraline – Buttons? Push my buttons 😉
  4. Gattaca – If you don’t believe love exists, then why did Jerome throw himself into the incinerator so that Vincent could go into space? Also it’s produced by Danny Devito, the sexiest man alive.
  5. The Tea is Consent video – Consent is sexy!
  6. The Bee Movie – Every time watch I watch it, something gets faster. And every time we kiss I swear I can fly.
  7. The Cabinet of Dr Caligari – There’s a woman in there, I think?
  8. Sonic the Hedgehog – It comes out on Valentine’s Day. Your date doesn’t need to know that you’ll never love them as much as you love Sonic.
  9. Brother Bear – Just a good underrated movie, no romantic elements.