By Mia Nitekman

Aries – Cardiac Hill

Taurus – that bunny hill you thought you could handle when you tried snowboarding for the first time and you embarrassed yourself in front of your friends. Idiot.

Gemini – the hill you rolled down as a child that resulted in your first broken bone

Cancer – the slow descent into seasonal depression

Leo – a slippery slope. What made it slippery???

Virgo – Cardiac Hill when it’s unnaturally 92 degrees in September.

Libra – the extra step that you thought was at the bottom of stairs that reminded you how precious human life is

Scorpio – feeling your self-confidence plummet when the outfit you pictured in your head does not go as hard as you thought it would

Sagittarius – slowly putting your head down in shame when you know you bombed the quiz because instead of studying you were doing wine-drunk face masks at 3:43pm calling it self-care

Capricorn – Cardiac Hill when the escalators are turned off

Aquarius – y = mx+b

Pisces –  the slippery slope of online shopping