By: Joe Weidman
“I was in Mellinger’s, my home. I was hibernating, dead, cold, and empty. But then Chad came. My Master filled me and Chad took me to his house and I was alive again! Chad is love, Chad is life.” exclaimed Keggy in the basement of an Atwood house at Chad’s party.
The Pittiful News recently discovered, at one of the many parties its writers attend, a sentient keg. We named him Keggy, and considering this to be a wonderful scientific discovery for the bro-world, we have decided to unveil him to the world.
“I remember lots of things” Keggy mused when asked how his life works.
“I become full and ready to live life and have fun. I get ready for gargoyles and kegstands and crazy dancing and all my red solo cup friends. But slowly, I fade and die. Really the more fun I have and the more red cup friends I see, the faster I fade.”
Keggy was discovered when one of our writers stopped sweatily dancing in a gross south O basement and became randomly sober for about five seconds and realized (7 shots and 5 beers deep, not that he was counting, but Keggy was) that the keg’s nozzle connected to the tap he was pumping was talking. Conversation ensued and Keggy outlined his unique existence on this earth in South O. Keggy seems to continually die and become reborn as the same thing, a keg, with slightly differing blood (depending on the beer) each time. He described his anatomy as such:
He has a somewhat sad existence, but we were surprised that his anus was what we pour beer out of, so at least he isn’t constipated. After thinking a second, our writer realized along with this that we drink his blood, making us effectively “Beer Vampires,” the name of Keggy’s band he plays in with the sentient dishwasher and sink at Hemingway’s.
“I have seen men drink half of me, I have seen barf and sweat and some rather risqué business… I have been stuck to the floor, I have been sat on by both bony and thiccc booties. The longest kegstand I have felt was 32 seconds. I have been kicked 1,183 times, and made love to 34 bags of franzia left on top of me. I have seen it all, but nothing is better than being filled up with nice beer.”
Our writer-scientist-discoverer was drinking lionshead from Keggy, but he was near death, and sadly Keggy had to take his leave as our writer poured his last from Keggy. But Keggy assured him this as the last of his foamy blood sputtered out:
“I will be back. Maybe not next week, but maybe the week after. I been thinking of taking a vacation and being filled with blue moon at Gdoor or some nice pumpkin ale at Hemingway’s. I’m tired of being trashy. I wanna class it up for once.”