Local Man Honored with Trash Status

By: Jack Seton

Last week, local garbage man Landon Phil was seen having an intense discussion on the sidewalk with his girlfriend, Tanya Fields. His expression was observed to have been one of complete and utter joy at the sight and sound of his girlfriend screaming in his face before she stormed off.
“I told him that he’s a piece of trash and that he can go rot in the dump,” exclaimed Tanya afterwards. “All men are garbage!” Lan, who is an employee at local dumping ground “That Trash Place,” seemed to be in quite a pleasant mood afterwards.
“When I was just a toddler, my dream job was to be a garbage man. Not only has my dream been actualized through my career, but my girlfriend has now provided me with the validation I’ve always been looking for! You see, garbage is one of the most beautiful things that can be bestowed upon a human being. I find that some of life’s most precious moments happen at the dump. There’s simply nothing more special than watching the sunset while sitting among some huge mounds of rancid trash. I’m so excited that Tanya’s finally given me permission to spend my free time at the compacting plant.”
One of Lan’s coworkers, who wished to remain anonymous, provided his thoughts on the matter. “We’re all just so proud of Lan. We’re throwing him a surprise garbage shower tomorrow when he comes into work. Garbage showers are one of the greatest honors that can be bestowed upon an individual here at That Trash Place. Also, to show him just how much he means to us, we’re going to let him drive the garbage truck and be ‘Garbage Boy of the Day’.” According to Lan’s coworker, the Garbage Boy of the Day gets to throw fun objects, such as bubble wrap, into the trash compactor.
“I sure do love Tanya!” pronounced Lan. “She’s such a piece of garbage!”

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