Man Doesn’t Eat Vegetables, Manages to Stay Alive

By: Sonya Acharya

Davis, 67, hates nothing more than the frequent farmer’s markets held near his house. Why, you ask? Because fruits, and worse, vegetables. Each fall, while his neighbors flock to outdoor tents to stock up on beautiful, cheap fresh produce from local farms, he stays home and eats chicken wings and mozzarella cheese sticks. Until Mrs Davis died ten years ago, the family were regulars at farmer’s markets. Davis was known for running through the tents screaming until he reached the baked goods table, where he’d stay, whimpering and stroking loaves of bread until his wife came to take him home. People they used to visit remember that he’d decline fruits and vegetables in pretty much any form.
Today, Davis lives a normal life, except that he eats only carbs, fats, and proteins, but he’s managing to stay alive, and no-one knows how. We reached out to him to learn his secret. “Veggies? Haven’t eaten ’em in years. Fruits? Who’s that?” he asked, when we met him over lunch. He seems to be successfully living a produce-free life. He pointed out that we don’t have the story quite right; he eats onions, garlic, potatoes, marinara, and ketchup, so he isn’t strictly produce-free. But he also confessed that once, a friend tried to poison him with veggie quesadillas. “My life flashed before my eyes. Luckily the first bite was just tortilla and sour cream, but then I saw the bell peppers.” He shudders as he recounts his chilling tale.
Doctors consider him a medical miracle. “He seems to be proving that humans don’t need fruits and vegetables, and by extension, vitamins, minerals, and dietary fiber. It’s impossible! It’s also a terrible message to be giving people. Fruits and veggies are important, kids!” says Dr Dietrich, a renowned dietitian. But Davis doesn’t seem to care what people think anymore. He has long been rejecting invitations to go apple-picking or berry-picking or anything-picking. He even skips carving a pumpkin year after year, which some people find concerning. Debbie, 32, who lives four doors down from Davis with her husband and two kids, says “On Halloween, everyone had a jack-o’-lantern on their porch, it was like a glowing orange trail for trick-or-treating. And then there’s this huge hole in the middle, at his house. It’s tearing this street apart!” Will he change his ways? Not likely. Is he happy the way he is? Absolutely. Davis seems to enjoy his fruitless existence, and since he’s not forcing people to follow him, we’re happy to let him romaine that way.

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