Lawmakers Excited to See Trump Take First Steps

By: Leo Corman

Donald J. Trump’s first year has been filled with stumbles, tantrums, and a noticeable lack of hair. Ever since Trump hatched from his egg and slithered into this world, the people closest to him have been expectantly watching him grow—especially the proud members of the Republican party.

“He’s really getting to be a big boy!” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “When I first met little Donnie T., I couldn’t get over how cute he was! Those chubby cheeks and tiny hands—just adorable. He’s still an infant, of course—oblivious, temperamental, fascinated by shiny objects—but now he’s starting to be more independent. He can crawl and stand on his own, and we can’t wait to see him take his first steps!”

Vice President Mike Pence said that spending the past year caring for baby Trump hasn’t always been easy. “Donnie can be quite a handful. He’ll get cranky if anyone wakes him up during naptime or mentions the Russia investigation,” said Pence, “but he’s still such a sweet little guy.”

Trump has already managed to leave a major impression on those around him. “I remember being there when Donnie said his first words,” said Attorney General Jeff Sessions. “He just started yelling, ‘Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!’ as the drool dribbled down his fat little chin. Everyone in the room broke into applause. I’ll never forget it.”

Many described how Trump’s presence has inspired them to achieve more in their own lives. “It’s been so refreshing to see that wide-eyed, infantile curiosity that comes with knowing almost nothing about the world,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, “and I’ve been trying to inject some of that same ignorance into my approach to life and politics.”

While government officials have become accustomed to tending to the needs of a young child, they say that life with little Trump is still full of surprises. “Most of us are pretty used to the routine stuff by now—changing diapers, breastfeeding, getting woken up in the middle of the night by crying about his historically low approval rating—but some things still catch me off guard,” said Pence. “I mean, when people think about having a kid, they don’t realize all the challenges and swallowing of pride that come with that responsibility. Life with Donnie is definitely never dull.”

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