By Riley Weber
The University of Pittsburgh announced Thursday that the price of tuition would continue to rise. However, instead of the cost being in US Dollars, the price of admission will now be one human soul. Though these currencies are vastly different, the university claims that the payment process will actually be much simpler than before. “We think the students will welcome the change with open arms,” explains University Financial Director Todd Cartwright. “Instead of selling your soul to a bank and them giving us the money, you’re simply selling your soul to us. We’re cutting out the middleman.”
Despite the university’s confidence, some students have received this news with skepticism. “I’m not so sure how exactly they’re going to implement this. If it’s as complicated as the student loan process then who knows when my soul will be disbursed. Luckily, my mom works at the university, so part of her soul counts as my tuition,” said junior Manny Daniels. Another student, Diane Singh, was less optimistic. “Of course, this was bound to happen. The constant rising tuition couldn’t satisfy the university, so they demand eternal servitude. I don’t trust The Gallaghator with these souls either, what is he up to?”
The answer to Singh’s question is darker than expected, according to one high-ranking anonymous university official. “I’ve only heard rumors. Dark, mysterious rumors, whispered in near-silence from quivering lips in the dead of night, kind of near the Indian food truck. They say a long-predicted sacred ritual is coming. A ritual that, if my Latin is correct, roughly translates to ‘The Feast of the Spirits.’ I can’t say much more, as my oath forbids it, but what I can say is that this goes right to the top.” This leaves us wondering, could this anonymous cloaked figure mean Chancellor Gallagher himself? Are dark forces brewing at Pitt? When pressed for comment on his relationship with the occult, Gallagher screeched in a tone heard by both the living and the dead and scurried through a large crack in the cathedral wall.