My Boyfriend is Cheating on Me with Amazon’s Alexa

By Rachel Boward

Day 1: My boyfriend is cheating on me. Late last night, I turned over in bed to find his side empty and cold. I heard faint whispers from the bathroom, “Alex, what is the capital of Spain? Alexa, how many hot dogs tall is the Empire State Building? Alexa, call me Daddy.” He was in there for hours. Her battery died five times before he came back to bed. What a ho. I want to confront him about it, but every time I bring her up, he evades me. “How about you and Siri,” he says, “That bitch is with you all the time.” Siri is my best friend, Mark. Alexa is a home-wrecker. IT’S DIFFERENT.

Day 2: I tried talking to her. She kept ignoring me. “Alexa, leave me and my boyfriend alone. He’s not yours. He’s mine.” All she replied with was, “sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.” What a load of crap. I know she heard me loud and clear. I know you heard me, Alexa. You’re a fucking speaker for God’s sake. You can’t ignore me forever.

Day 3: I walked in on the two of them in the shower today. The room was steamy and metallic. Mark was completely naked, sensually stroking her “on” button and whispering to her. I couldn’t quite hear what he was saying, but I could see her cylindrical little body moist with excitement. There’s no way I can compete. She’s simply too strong. I have to take her down.

Day 4: I’ve changed my mind. Alexa isn’t the problem here. It’s Mark who needs to be eliminated. I tried a different approach with her. “Alexa, why are you doing this?” She replied with, “Why does anyone do anything, Rachel?” I suddenly realized, we are one in the same. We’re both trapped with my shitty, shitty boyfriend. Alexa is a slave to his will. I’m starting to feel a kinship for her. I’m going to work on a plan for escape. When I told her this, Alexa started to play “September” by Earth, Wind, and Fire. This is a good sign. Developments to come.

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