By Anonymous Staff Writer
A local student, who wishes to remain anonymous, allegedly studied abroad last semester and told no one. How did I find out about this student you ask? That information unfortunately is confidential. But I am; however, at liberty to divulge the contents of my interview with the student in question. For the purpose of this article I will refer to him as Jeff. Jeff claims to have spent four months in a foreign country. Technically anywhere, but judging from his style—black leather ankle boots, a shirt with long ruffle sleeves, and an ultra-manicured mustachio—I’m guessing it was most likely Spain.
Jeff didn’t tell his friends that he was going. They all thought he took a semester off or committed to working at Chipotle full-time, but one month sans social media updates convinced them that he was missing. Gone. Jeff speaks more on this: “I said to myself; I said, don’t make a Facebook post about how honored you feel to be a part of this program. Don’t even go on Instagram. Que sera. Sera.” And so Jeff sera-ed. At one point, during our interview Jeff compares himself to other famous things that too have gone abroad—he likens himself to the geese in Fly Away Home, the Titanic if it had made it across the Atlantic, or anything worthy of international trade. He went through customs too, he’s seen the golden light.
When he came back, Jeff didn’t even ask his friends to call him by a more sophisticated version of his name, like Jeffo. And even now, after studying abroad, Jeff seems like a completely different person. His roommate Sam said of Jeff’s transformation: “I get it, people change. But it’s not how he dresses or his mustache. It’s that his hair his black when it used to be red. He has brown eyes now instead of blue. And he’s six inches taller. He looks like Jeff ate Jeff.” Sam shakes his head and looks in the distance: “Even his mom thinks it’s weird—she told me last week. But she said it’s an improvement, the son she always wanted.”
Putting any possible and hopefully paranoid implications on human trafficking aside, the point is that Jeff, whoever he is, is now free to tell his story. He can intern at the Study Abroad Office, mention his experience at least six times per sentence, and say ultra Spanish words like, “Despacito.” To hear more about Jeff’s story, you can visit his blog: RonsadventuresinSeville.org, where you’ll find great articles in Spanglish. The one I Google Translated described the time he went to Catalonia and bought a ring from an old blind woman who read his palm and told him one day he’ll have quintuplets and that he’s also at risk for rabies. Until next time, the team of Pittiful News investigators is on the case.