By Michael Calhoun
The advertisement begins with a shot on the face of a smiling priest. “Do you want to be closer to God the almighty? Has your priest told you that your blood is ‘infected by the presence of the unholy one?’ Or have you just felt tired recently? If you’ve experienced any of these problems, then you need a big ol’ bag of Pope Blood!” That’s right folks, in a move Bill Gates calls “enlightened,” the Catholic Church is officially selling the blood of Pope Francis in order to keep the holy order afloat.
With the decline of religion across Europe and North America, there simply wasn’t enough income flowing into donation baskets to fund the Church’s endeavors, so the Cardinals had a brainstorming session. “We already have Holy Water and that shot off like a goddam rocket, so why not Holy Blood?” noted Cardinal Bardinal. “People have been chomping at the bit to get some of that savory pope blood for decades, and we figured we might as well capitalize on it.”
The blood has a remarkable range of uses, and a list from the Vatican’s website cites that you can “Drink it, bathe in it, inject it into your body, scare your friends with a funny prank, and more!” Pittsburgh resident Jessup Gwit remarked “I like how when I drink the blood it makes me feel like my sins don’t matter anymore. Not that I’m forgiven, but that I’m above Church law. It’s pretty great.”
“Francis’ Blood Emporium Non-Non-Profit,” as the Church now calls itself, sells three grades of its patented pope blood: Disciple, Apostle, and Messiah. Messiah level blood is taken directly from the pope himself, and is obviously the most precious and costly. The next level, Apostle, is blood from a cardinal that has been mixed with the pope’s blood. Disciple is a random bag of blood that Francis spat into after his midday meal. Rebessica Twivle, the Emporium’s marketing director, stated, “The different bloods appeal to consumers of different needs. Messiah level blood obviously carries the most cost and might be too refined for people’s tastes. Disciple level, on the other hand, is extremely affordable but is less holy, and may contain the backwash of the pope’s meal or some stray pebbles and copper wiring that may have been picked up along the way,” Twivle explained. Apostle strikes a happy medium between these two, and each consumer owes it to themselves to research which blood suits their needs best.”
What does Pope Francis have to say about all of this? Cardinal Bardinal claims that the Pope is unavailable for comment but states that “We’re pumping him 24/7 so don’t worry about us running out of stock.”
A note to our readers: if you’re in the market for pope blood, make sure your product is real! Already, false pope blood has hit the market for con-persons to grab a chunk of the lucrative Pope blood pie.
When asked for comment, Joseph Kony had no response.