By Rachel Boward
Herman McLaegerstem, 42, was ejected from a local playground early Saturday afternoon after playground-goers complained to the police that his “suspiciously large eye skin” was disrupting their otherwise pleasant day.
“It was just so disturbing! So large, and suspicious. It was like his eyes were being eaten by the skin around them,” Clara Ribberclibson complained after the traumatic event.
McLaegerstem claims this isn’t the first time he’s had this happen to him.
“I come from a family of large eye skin. We actually lost my father to his eye skin a few years back. It just consumed him whole. You know how weird it is to see a man consumed by a human sized lump of eye skin? I still have nightmares about it to this day,” McLaegerstem mumbles to me from behind his quickly expanding eye skin.
Ribberclibson also claims that McLaegerstem sets an unrealistic eye skin standard for people everywhere.
“I mean, my kids are now asking me for surgery! There’s literally a competition in their class to see who can get the largest eye skin! It’s just ridiculous! Why eye skin instead of something more productive like large ear skin?” Ribberclibson complains.
The recent rash of eye skin surgeries around the Pittsburgh area come after a survey showed that unusually large eye skin actually makes you smarter.
“Yeah, it makes you smarter. It also helps protect you from the sun, like a human hat. Plus, the feeling of a large lump of eye skin squishing between the fingers, there’s really nothing better,” Doctor Henry Sterperdiddle explained.
Regardless of the positive attributes of larger eye skin, McLaegerstem still asserts that excess eye skin is actually just a huge burden.
“I literally have two cars, one for me, and one for my eye skin. You know how inconvenient it is to have to ask your boss for a job just for your eye skin? I’m pretty sure it’s even become sentient; I literally can’t get away from it. It whispers to me while I try to sleep. I’m thinking about giving it the ransom money it’s looking for, but I’m afraid of what it might do with it.”