Help, I Ate Too Much Kale and Now I’m Immortal

By Riley Weber

After being told by friends and family to eat healthier, I finally caved and decided to make some lifestyle changes. I cut out junk food and began to eat plenty of veggies. I had heard good things about Kale and its health benefits. I began to put it in salads, sandwiches and smoothies, I couldn’t get enough of it. Then, one day, while cutting up some soybeans, I sliced open my finger. I went for a band-aid, but by the time I unwrapped the bandage, I noticed my finger had healed. I decided to cut my palm to see what would happen. Again, it healed within seconds. I realized then that I had likely become immortal.kale

I wasn’t too surprised at first–I had heard of things like this happening. In fact, I’m pretty sure the same thing happened to Jennifer Aniston. I mean, they don’t call it a superfood for nothing. With my new immortality, I decided to live my life to the fullest. I travelled the world, learning languages and meeting people. I swam the Amazon River, went skydiving, and even climbed Mount Everest. I could do anything without fear or worry. It was then that I met a woman. Esmerelda, was her name. I loved her more than anything in the world. We did everything together, and I finally felt complete. But to my despair, she never had a taste for kale. No matter how much I begged and pleaded, she wouldn’t eat it. She began to age, slowly, but noticeably. Time had stood still for me, I remained young as she slowly aged and withered and finally, died.

I was devastated. She had become my life and without her, I could live no longer. I became consumed by drink and drugs. No matter what substances I abused, my body would recover by the next day. I tried anything to numb and end my existence. I drove off a cliff a la Bill Murray and broke every bone in my body, but within an hour I was completely fine. I began a life of crime to fuel my drug habits. I robbed banks. Killed people. I did anything to try to forget, but she would always come back to me. I realized one day that this life I had been living, it wasn’t what she would have wanted for me. I write this now in a small hut in Chile, off the coast of the Pacific Ocean. I spend my days reading, tending to sheep, and making posts online, longing for the day that the effects of that cursed cabbage wear off, and allow my soul to finally rest.

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