By Riley Weber
French politician Gerard de Pomme broke new ground this year by becoming the first French presidential candidate to campaign on giving people the right to surgically remove their bones and glue them to the outside of their bodies. De Pomme rises from the newly formed Bonealist party, which contains a wide variety of skeleton-associated platforms. De Pomme claims to be a moderate within the party, wishing to shy away from the “extreme boneists,” who believe that the human body should be composed of all bone, and no flesh whatsoever. The newly formed party has yet to agree on all of its doctrines, such as whether bones should be epoxied to the skin, or if some form of staple should be used.
De Pomme, who hails from the quiet town of Deux Omelettes, lives a simple life. He drives a beat-up Prius, despite being able to afford a beat-up Lexus. Twice divorced, de Pomme begins each day by drinking five glasses of 2% milk, in order to make his bones strong should he be elected. However, de Pomme wasn’t always so steadfast in his bone ideas. He claims that his ideological breakthrough came following the death of his son, La Grange, who was crushed in 2011 by a giant rubber wading boot.
Be de Pomme’s road to the top is not without obstacles. He is met with vocal opposition from Pierre le Marque, who is a staunch Christian conservative and believes that god only gave exoskeletons to bugs for a reason. His campaign slogan is “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and People with human bones glued to the outside of their bodies.” Le Marque capitalizes on the popular belief that allowing human bones to be attached to the outside of bodies is a slippery slope that could lead to animal bones being used, or even people selling their bones for profit. “Bones are good,” Le Marque says, “they should stay inside of our bodies probably.”
When asked for his take on the upcoming election, the current French president, Francois Hollande stated, “What? Who are you? Bones glued to skin? None of this makes sense. How did you get in here? Why is this an issue? Do people actually want exoskeletons? Who are these politicians? Seriously, did you climb the fence?”