By Michael Calhoun
Local pariah Jeremiah Von Blooshickel is up to his old antics. Ever since his infamous loss of his position as the Mayor of Pittsburgh due to his proposal to abolish Tuesdays, he has slowly descended into the pits of madness. He spends his days gallavanting about Oakland, raising hullabaloo left and right, and now he has a new tool at his disposal: a crowbar.
Mann Ganderson, a resident of Bellefield avenue expressed his frustration. “Every day we see him, beating the stop sign outside our house while screaming ‘I’m the mayor! I’m the mayor!’ or ‘Its the worst day of the week!’ for hours. We’ve called the police on him several times but somehow he always escapes,” Ganderson said.
According to local police chief Mindy Frompwomp, the situation is often out of her control. “He always scurries into the sewers the minute we stop by, and we have no jurisdiction underground. There’s a whole other set of laws down there.” Von Blooshickel has caused damage to signs, trash cans, sewer grates, telephone poles, an orange tree, a signed Harlem Globetrotters jersey, and the carousel in Schenley Park.
Another local resident Vanessa Totlojer, claims that Von Blooshickel is even ruining her home life. “His favorite day is trash day, he’ll just run down the street knocking over everyone’s trash cans and filling the street with garbage, some of which he tries to eat . It’s gotten so bad that I can’t throw away anything anymore; my house is filled with garbage and now my wife is leaving me and taking the kids.”
Von Blooshickel cannot be reached for comment as he is currently smearing his face with the juice from scavenged berries and bashing a discarded carrot.