By Michael Calhoun
The advertisement begins with a shot on the face of a smiling priest. “Do you want to be closer to God the almighty? Has your priest told you that your blood is ‘infected by the presence of the unholy one?’ Or have you just felt tired recently? If you’ve experienced any of these problems, then you need a big ol’ bag of Pope Blood!” That’s right folks, in a move Bill Gates calls “enlightened,” the Catholic Church is officially selling the blood of Pope Francis in order to keep the holy order afloat.
With the decline of religion across Europe and North America, there simply wasn’t enough income flowing into donation baskets to fund the Church’s endeavors, so the Cardinals had a brainstorming session. “We already have Holy Water and that shot off like a goddam rocket, so why not Holy Blood?” noted Cardinal Bardinal. “People have been chomping at the bit to get some of that savory pope blood for decades, and we figured we might as well capitalize on it.”
The blood has a remarkable range of uses, and a list from the Vatican’s website cites that you can “Drink it, bathe in it, inject it into your body, scare your friends with a funny prank, and more!” Pittsburgh resident Jessup Gwit remarked “I like how when I drink the blood it makes me feel like my sins don’t matter anymore. Not that I’m forgiven, but that I’m above Church law. It’s pretty great.” Continue reading