NASA Discovers Like, A Fuckload of New Planets

By Riley Weber

Space exploration agency NASA revealed groundbreaking new information this week with the discovery of like, soooooo many new planets. Regina Martez, one of the NASA scientists crucial to the discovery, couldn’t believe her own findings. “God damn dude, look at all these planets we found. This is some crazy shit. Like, fuck.” 37667502_401

The exoplanets discovered are very similar to earth in atmosphere and temperature, which could mean a great deal in the search for life outside of Earth. Reggie McMann, a local astrology enthusiast, had a unique perspective on the news. “Shiiiit man. You know there’s gotta be aliens and shit over there, man. I see them sometimes, dude. It’s only a matter of time before they come over to say hey.” McMann also began discussing his ideas on the possibility that the Earth may be flat, but we told him that we had a dentist appointment we had to get to and left in a hurry.

“I cannot explain to you how many of these fuckers we found. We normally find like one of these bad boys in like five years and we located like seven. Seven!” said astrophysicist Carl Grundholf. The find, which was made using the TRAPPIST telescope in Chile, had assistance from the European Southern Observatory’s Very Large Telescope.

One physics student we spoke to told us his opinion on the find, “I really hope there isn’t life on those planets. Nobody asks for existence, yet it is thrusted upon us. To live is to suffer.” The planets are expected to be examined more thoroughly via space telescope as early as 2018.

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