By Megan Klein
President-elect Donald Trump has officially announced he plans to appoint Kid-Rock to the cabinet position of Secretary of Awesome! He decided this was a good move considering Kid was “once married to Pamela Anderson, and no one is hotter than her except for my daughter, Ivanka.” He also credits the inspiration of his choice from listening to “Grit Sandwiches for Breakfast”, Kid Rock’s first album.
Kid Rock released a statement on Twitter declaring how honored he is for this opportunity, “I think the music I make is the kind of music you feel. And then buy.”
This move by Trump comes as no surprise given Kid’s staunch conservative views and chart topping hits. If you look closely at his lyrics, this was a long time coming. “And we were trying different things/we were smoking funny things/making love out by the lake to our favorite song,” clearly predicts Trump’s entire campaign and Kid’s inevitable cabinet appointment. Kid Rock is his own Nostradamus.
This highly coveted position involves advising Trump on which American flag looks best draped as a cape over his suit, snorting cocaine together in the morning, and creating the new national anthem. This new anthem will supposedly be a mix of blues, hip-hop, and country-pop, and is sure to be a chart-topping success, although other details about its lyrics and content are being kept under wraps. Kid Rock said he drew inspiration from his All-American upbringing, “I didn’t come from a trailer park. I grew up middle class and my dad had money and my mom made my lunch. I got a car when I was sixteen. I’m proud of that.” Kid Rock does have a lot to be proud of, not including when he denounced people who criticized him for flaunting a confederate flag, saying they could, “kiss [his] ass.” However, Trump was very easily able to overlook these missteps, “He’s a good guy. Great guy. Fine guy. All American guy. He will be good for business.”
Kid Rock is highly anticipating this new position, and looks forward to flaunting his abs and shaking his long tiger mane on Inauguration Day. He currently holds 5 Grammy Awards, and was featured in a sex tape with singer Scott Stapp of Creed.