Trump Hires Professional Nanny for Himself

screen-shot-2017-01-11-at-1-24-16-amBy Michael Calhoun

In an altogether unprecedented moment of self-awareness, president-elect Trump has announced his placement as Carol Brukensting as his first white house staff member, as the president’s own personal nanny. “I know my limitations. I’ve been focusing so much time and energy on this campaign that my body has begun to forget how to properly function on a basic level, so I hired Carol.”

Miss Brukensting has been a nanny for 30 years, but considers this to be her most presidential role yet. “I’ve never nannied for anyone above 13 years-old before, and I have to say I was nervous. But after meeting with the man and interviewing him, following him around to see what he needs, it turns out that he basically functions exactly the same as a 6 month old child on a physical level. I change his diapers, burp him when he gets cranky, put him in his bouncy chair when he gets too upset. The hardest part is cleaning up his face after he spreads his mac and cheese all over it. He thrashes around so violently he nearly falls over in his high chair.”

Trump had glowing things to say about Carol’s future. “Do I wet the bed every night? Undoubtedly. Will I choke on solid food if I attempt to eat it? Unquestionably. Do I produce copious amounts of spittle? Perhaps. Does that game where you fit different-shaped pegs into their corresponding slots confuse me? It mystifies me to this day; in fact I’m considering outlawing it. With Carol at my side, she can focus on the basic necessities to keep me alive and change my diapers while I make speeches about how we need to move America to the moon.”

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