By Hannah Lynn
I Thought My Boyfriend Was Standing Up To Institutional Racism But He Was Just Proposing
Our anniversary dinner was going swimmingly–the steak was chewable, the wine was alcoholic, the bathroom had mints–but then, disaster struck. I had pretty low expectations from Chad this year, especially after last year’s petting zoo disaster. So when he took me out to a restaurant so fancy the waiters wore cumberbunds, I thought “Hey, this might not be so bad!” Of course now I realize only a naive child would have such a thought.
I was halfway through my dessert, a literal Twinkie on a fancy plate, when Chad got down on one knee. My heart started beating fast. My palms were sweating. I might have peed a little. I’d been dreaming about this moment since I was a little girl.
“I love you so much. Will you marry me?” he said. I almost spit out my water. What the hell was this? I thought my boyfriend was going to take a stand against institutional racism but instead he declared his undying love for me? Disgusting. People are dying, Chad.
His brow furrowed. “Honey,” he said, “Did you hear me?”
“Innocent black men, women, and children are killed every week. Our prison system is a modern form of slavery. Iggy Azalea still exists…” I said, trailing off when I saw the crushed look on his face. But I didn’t understand. He kept bringing up Colin Kaepernick and how much he loved ‘Lemonade!” When I asked him later, he explained that he’s only familiar with Kaepernick’s work on the playing field because his dad’s a big 49ers fan, and that he was talking about the tangy and refreshing beverage, not Beyonce’s groundbreaking album.
I can’t be with an athlete just to bask in the beauty of his patriotic protest, so the least Chad could do was stand up for a group of historically oppressed people.
I guess I’ll just have to take a knee at the altar.