By Hannah Lynn
A new study by the National Milk Association of America (NMAA) shows that fully grown adults who drink a full glass of milk for pure pleasure, just aren’t right. This study is not endorsed by the FDA, the Dairy Industry, or any of those celebrities who advertised milk in 2007.
“Look, our studies show that when an adult human drinks a full glass of milk, just for the heck of it, there is something fundamentally off about them. Though I can’t say why, we haven’t gotten that far yet,” said Jeana Warner, head researcher at NMAA.
Milk can best be defined as a creamy, opaque substance produced by the mammary glands of mammals, though humans typically only drink cow’s milk straight. It usually comes in several varieties including 1%, Skim, and whole milk.
“If you ever meet a guy that drinks whole milk everyday, run for the fucking hills,” says Warner. “He probably has a greasy middle part and a sick Nancy Reagan obsession. He might carry a rifle or switchblade of sorts.”
Milk drinking usually only lasts through early childhood, as a way to promote healthy bone growth and strength. However some people just can’t quit the cold creamy drink.
Some adults still like to drink WARM milk.
“Yes actually, there’s been a surprising number of subjects that still want a glass of warm milk before bed,” confirmed Warner. According to the NMAA study, nearly 40% of adults still crave the occasional glass of milk, while 37% of those milk drinkers prefer to drink it warm. WARM. Like from the teat. This is where I lose journalistic objectivity because some things in life are too atrocious. WARM. MILK. Sorry Gary, I just can’t finish this story.
Find a new reporter for your milk beat.