By Milo Davis
Before I continue, let me make one thing clear: I am very much opposed to Penn State playing the role of Pitt’s primary rival in the future. We should honestly just throw out the games we’ve scheduled against Penn State for the next three years and jump right into the NFL so we could go up against the likes of the New England Patriots or that other Pittsburgh team in the NFL, even though they could never dream of being half as illustrious as us.
Then, after we’ve mopped the floor with the NFL, we’d go on to face the very gods of the Greek Pantheon themselves. I’d expect Pitt to win such a game by a score of 56-3, and I’m being generous. There’s no way Hermes is running past Jordan Whitehead. I’d take James Conner over Ares any day of the week, and we all know that up-and-comer Achilles is an injury waiting to happen. It’s only a matter of time before Pat Narduzzi takes his rightful place at the helm of Mount Olympus and goes down in history as the greatest football coach (and mortal man) of all time in the history of forever. Hail to Pitt, fuck Penn State, and may Pat bless us all.