By Megan Klein
Two days ago, Juniors James Moore and Kelly Adams split. In what may be coined, “The Worst Break-Up of This Week,” a couple who actively shares the same friend group is now faced with a lengthy custody battle over who gets the friends. A series of passive aggressive and overdramatic sub-tweets about each other was discovered.
The Pittiful News learned that a custody agreement may or may not be in the works. After James drunkenly made an appearance at Kelly’s ABC party (Anything But Clothes), and belligerently asked to “slap all the bitches,” he asked Kelly to be, “Friends With Benefits Casual Exclusive.” An unnamed source confirms, “James still loves Kelly. But she already slept with two of his three roommates and her hot Natural Disasters TA, who told her that she’s def ‘getting an A+’ in the class.”
This unfortunate circumstance may become an even split between genders in the friend group, minus James’s super cute friend Kate, who has consistently been close with James in what they call, “just best friends,” and “just like siblings!”
Kelly has adamantly claimed extra Chipotle support for the multiple times she dealt with him “not texting back,” or for taking care of him that time he ate shrooms, and ran through South O. stark naked, shouting, “Fuck the Police!” and, “The Bees! Not the Bees!”
At the time of press, neither James nor his “Pre-Law” representative responded for comment.