Nothing Newsworthy Happened Tuesday

By Will Connor

The Pittiful News regretfully reports that nothing particularly notable happened last Tuesday, so we have no groundbreaking stories to report. However, it is our duty to provide the most important information. We’ve brought you the latest gossip and tidbits straight from the chatty people two rows in front of you in lecture.

Steve and Michelle got into another fight Monday night and Michelle called Hannah in tears, but they must have made up because they were holding hands two hours ago.

Jake got busted for possession… again.

Savannah and Sydney have been spending a lot of time together lately. Mia thinks they’re dating, but James “swore they’re both straight, but were crying the whole time.”

Katie’s goldfish died. How tragic.

George hooked up with Andrew’s ex girlfriend over the weekend, and now Andrew’s telling people he’s “gonna fight George.” George could not be reached for comment.

Mark came out to Angela as bisexual. This makes the total number of friends he’s come out to seven and number of complete strangers he’s trying to impress on Tinder 15.

Keith got sucked into some new video game and has been staying up listening to soundtrack remixes for the last week and a half.

David asked Macy out on Sunday, but then called her the day after and said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He then asked if Macy wanted to do a casual-exclusive thing. She really liked him, but had to just leave. The nerve of the guy.

John did something too horrible to print.

Luke did something really shitty while blackout drunk and pissed off Kelly, who now won’t talk to him. This has naturally driven Luke to drink more.

Kyle did something we totally could have printed, but we forgot what it was.

Ben is still asleep.

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