Ted Cruz Eats A Whole Tub Of Cottage Cheese Every Day

By Hannah Lynn

According to several reports, GOP presidential candidate and current Texas senator Ted Cruz eats an entire tub of cottage cheese everyday for breakfast. While initially seen as a simple quirk, it evolved into something more sinister.

Jebidiah Turner, an aide on the Cruz campaign trail, noticed the senator’s habits but didn’t think much of it. “The first time I saw him do it I thought, ‘Man, this guy sure like his cottage cheese! Nothin’ wrong with that. Nothin’ wrong with some [gagging sound] curdled cheese,” Turner said. But as time wore on, it became clear that this was more than just a cute Cruz quirk. “By the ninth time I saw this man slurping that [gagging sound] curd, I knew that there was a deep problem.”

Cottage cheese is a “soft, lumpy white cheese made from the [gagging] curds of slightly soured milk.” It is made by coagulating the milk until it [gag] curdles.

“Can I say that it didn’t nauseate me at first? No I can’t. Of course seeing that saggy-faced loser slurp down lumpy sour cheese horrified me to my core,” said Horace Cartwell, Cruz’s top advisor. “But this is a free country, and the GOP firmly believes in not interfering with individual rights, no matter how offensive they may be.”

According to Turner, Cruz’s wife Heidi has suggested on numerous occasions that her husband ease up on the cottage cheese, because it was taking up too much time and money. However according to Cartwell, they’re in on it together. “Heidi is his biggest, and often only, supporter in all endeavors, including cottage cheese. In fact it’s how they met! I know for a fact that if he loses this election, they’re leaving politics and opening up their own business: Cruz Curds [full on vomiting].”

Remarkably, Ted Cruz could be reached for comment, but when his assistant asked if it was okay if he ate his breakfast during the interview, threw the phone at the wall.

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