Nothing Newsworthy Happened Tuesday

By Will Connor

The Pittiful News regretfully reports that nothing particularly notable happened last Tuesday, so we have no groundbreaking stories to report. However, it is our duty to provide the most important information. We’ve brought you the latest gossip and tidbits straight from the chatty people two rows in front of you in lecture.

Steve and Michelle got into another fight Monday night and Michelle called Hannah in tears, but they must have made up because they were holding hands two hours ago.

Jake got busted for possession… again.

Savannah and Sydney have been spending a lot of time together lately. Mia thinks they’re dating, but James “swore they’re both straight, but were crying the whole time.”

Katie’s goldfish died. How tragic.

George hooked up with Andrew’s ex girlfriend over the weekend, and now Andrew’s telling people he’s “gonna fight George.” George could not be reached for comment.

Mark came out to Angela as bisexual. This makes the total number of friends he’s come out to seven and number of complete strangers he’s trying to impress on Tinder 15.

Keith got sucked into some new video game and has been staying up listening to soundtrack remixes for the last week and a half.

David asked Macy out on Sunday, but then called her the day after and said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He then asked if Macy wanted to do a casual-exclusive thing. She really liked him, but had to just leave. The nerve of the guy.

John did something too horrible to print.

Luke did something really shitty while blackout drunk and pissed off Kelly, who now won’t talk to him. This has naturally driven Luke to drink more.

Kyle did something we totally could have printed, but we forgot what it was.

Ben is still asleep.

Girlfriend in Face Mask Mistaken by Local Man as “Ready to Have Shrex”

By Holly Stavarski

Cleveland, OH Earlier this month, one couple’s romantic night in was interrupted by a huge misunderstanding. It was Valentine’s Day and Alison Bealer had told her boyfriend, Jackson Walsh that she did not want to do anything special.
“For the past seven years we have done something fun and extravagant and I just wanted a relaxing night in with my love,” said Alison.
    
They ordered Chinese and cuddled up on the couch to watch the 2011 cinematic classic “Dolphin Tale.” After a soothing back rub from Jackson, Alison decided to try a new facial treatment and take a warm bath. Unfortunately, Jackson did not know about this plan. He saw Alison applying her green face mask and immediately ran into the bedroom. When Alison entered the room looking for her robe, she saw Jackson sprawled across the bed in the Shrek costume that he had worn for Halloween for the past five years, with his erect penis out.
   
“I screamed and ran out of the room,” Alison recalls, “I was terrified! Even more so when he ran after me and started yelling ‘DONKEY!’”

Jackson, a devout fan of the Shrek franchise, thought that his girlfriend was going to make the most romantic gesture since anal, and fulfill his Shrexual fantasies.
“I have had complicated feelings about Shrek since I was a child and it was only recently that I have come to terms with my shrexuality. I confided in Alison and I thought she was cool with it–until last night,” Jackson said.
“I was caught off guard,” said Alison. “I was expecting a very low-key night. I did NOT expect to see an aroused Shrek in my bed, nor did I expect to let him into my swamp.”
Jackson is unsure about how he will go about proposing the scenario again.
     
“I want to talk to her about it, because her reaction felt like a bullet that went through all my layers, but I’m pretty sure its all ogre now.”
    
Alison confided that she would be okay with trying it again, but it will take some time, and for Jackson to stop saying Shrek puns.  

Local Man Drowns in Pussy

By I.S. Mills
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The Allegheny County man who died last Tuesday as a result of his injuries in a freak bachelor party accident has been identified as Todd O’Clerigan, 26. O’Clerigan sustained contusions on his head and chest and eventually succumbed to the effects of suffocation and brain damage. Before his death, Todd’s good friend Al Brinker attempted to summon emergency personnel to the scene, but was met with levity that later proved fatal:

11:56pm Dispatcher: Nine one one, what’s your emergency?
11:56pm Brinker: Todd! My friend Todd is… drowning in pussy! Help!
11:56pm D: Haha, nice. Good for him.
11:57pm B: No, it’s not nice! He’s being crushed by all the pussy-
11:57pm D: Yo, sweet. But if you don’t have an emergency I’m going to have to let you go.
11:57pm B: This is an emergency, my friend Todd is literally being smothered…
11:57pm D: Haha, what an absolute legend! Well, let me know how it goes with him. I gotta go though.
11:58pm Dispatcher hangs up.

During Brinker’s phone call, O’Clerigan was suffocating under the bodies of twelve exotic dancers. The dancers had been rendered immobile when a makeshift stage that the host of the bachelor party, Alan Sullivan, built, collapsed suddenly.

“There was dust and stuff everywhere and when it cleared we saw that the girls had been pinned, mostly in, like, a sitting position, to the ground by all the debris from the stage,” said Brinker of the incident.

“Todd said he was going to go get, you know, a better look,” explained another partygoer, who whishes to remain anonymous. “Like, the floor was Plexiglas, so he crawled under the stage to, you know.”

O’Clerigan was then trapped under the seated dancers when the stage collapsed. Family members of Todd O’Clerigan are planning to sue Alan Sullivan for damages.

Student Actually Believes there are No Stupid Questions

By Leo Corman

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It’s become a familiar refrain at the beginning of every semester: “If you have any confusion, please don’t hesitate to ask. There are no stupid questions.” Professors assure students that they are exceedingly approachable and will gladly answer any inquiry they have, no matter how big or small. Of course, as nearly all students and professors recognize, this is bullshit—stupid questions absolutely do exist, and such questions should be suppressed inside the stupid heads in which they originate.

Unfortunately, according to multiple reports and eyewitness accounts, freshman Kayla Roberts truly believes any question is worth asking. She feels free to blurt out whatever idiotic thing comes into her mind, without first stopping to consider, “Hey, maybe I should keep my mouth shut.”

Kayla’s economics professor says Kayla “is a solid student,” but “she really doesn’t seem to understand that when I say, ‘There are no stupid questions,’ that’s only because the school requires me to do so. What I actually mean is, ‘I’m happy to provide clarification or go into more detail on a topic, but I’d rather not address inane and imbecilic questions, like hers.’” Kayla’s questions this semester have included, “What’s the other one besides demand?” “How do you spell equilibrium?” and “Why won’t the Wi-Fi in here work?”

“I had a few questions of my own for [Kayla],” says her economics professor. “‘Are you a moron?’ ‘How are you in college?’ ‘How can you possibly be passing this class?’ ‘Do you really think I have nothing better to do with my time in lecture than spell out “equilibrium” for you?’ You’re on your phone all class anyways, just look it up, for fuck’s sake!” After catching his breath, he added, “Of course, I didn’t say any of that. I just smiled politely and answered dumb question after dumb question.”

Generally, professors convey that a stupid question has been asked through several cues: a deep, resigned sigh, a subtle roll of the eyes, and/or development of an extremely patronizing tone in which the professor punctuates each sentence with, “Okay?” However, Kayla appears not to perceive these signals, instead continuing to fire her stupid questions at will.

Several of Kayla’s classmates have complained about Kayla’s persistent questions as a source of distraction in class. Confided an anonymous student who shares two classes with Kayla, “That bitch needs to be quiet. I’m trying to concentrate on watching porn in the back of the classroom, and she keeps breaking my focus. It’s really annoying.”

Finally, for those who ask, “Doesn’t this article express kind of an elitist asshole sentiment by making people feel bad for having trouble with classroom material?” the answer is, “That’s a stupid question. Of course it does.”

Local Man Files Bankruptcy After Strictly Following DJ Khaled’s Keys to Success

By Danial Smith

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A local man, who wishes to remain anonymous, has recently filed a petition of voluntary bankruptcy after following DJ Khaled’s keys to success. Over the past several months, DJ Khaled has spread his inspirational “keys to success” via the popular app Snapchat. With a net worth of approximately $18 million, Khaled lives a luxurious lifestyle which includes a personal chef, weekly massages and haircuts, and regular jet ski trips.

According to the petition, the man’s liabilities are listed at around $18,000. Creditors include Catherine’s Personal Chef Service, Chop Chop Landscaping, Bombardier Recreational Products, and several others. “DJ Khaled said that getting massages and fresh cuts every week was a major key! He told me to ride with him through the journey of more success!” 

The man provided us with a standard daily routine for the past month. “I would wake up in the morning and walk to the kitchen and ask Chef Cathy what we got for breakfast. Then I would go outside and water my flowers and relax for a bit. It’s all about the vibes. LION!!! Then I’d lay on my hammock, sometimes smoking a cigar. I usually think about staying positive and keeping good vibes going. Then, I’d eat lunch because they don’t want us to enjoy it. Later I usually ride my jet ski for a few hours. After riding around for a while, I’d pull up to my friend’s house and we’d hang out for a bit. At night I relax in my hot tub and drink some Apple Ciroc. It’s important to celebrate success responsibly.” Without a source of steady income, the man found that he was rapidly accumulating debt. What began as a sort of New Year’s resolution came to a swift conclusion after a little over a month. “I don’t know what went wrong. I guess I played myself.”


Local Student Takes Break from Constant Anxiety to Eat Granola Bar

By Riley Weber

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Spectators were amazed last Sunday when student Eric Mills arose from his couch in order to go to his kitchen and grab a snack. Mills proceeded to open a box of granola bars and after a brief pause, selected the chocolate chip flavor. He then returned to his spot on the couch, only stopping for a second to wonder about that stain on his coffee table.

This would be the third time that day Mills had moved from the couch, the first two being a trip to the bathroom and an accidental fall during a nap. “I was just between thinking about how I’m going to fail my Biology lab and thinking that that girl in my calculus class thinks I’m a goddamn loser when it occurred to me that I should probably eat something so I don’t waste away and die,” Mills said. The excursion to the kitchen took place at approximately 4:56 PM according to Mills. “I know because around that time my friend asked if I wanted to hang out and I remember thinking that I couldn’t because I had too much work to do and also am a poison to those around me.”
Reactions to Mills’ trip were varied. The Quaker Oats Company put out the following statement “We’re very pleased that Eric chose our product for his existential crisis. We hope to maintain the image that our company makes the perfect product for not letting your body digest its own muscle in order to survive.” This event is following the groundbreaking venture by Katherine Dolphman, who attracted media attention when she stopped in the middle of her mental breakdown drink a glass of water earlier this week. Mills closed with the announcement that the granola bar was somewhat satisfying, and that he may even try to eat another tomorrow after putting his life back together piece by piece.

Ted Cruz Eats A Whole Tub Of Cottage Cheese Every Day

By Hannah Lynn

According to several reports, GOP presidential candidate and current Texas senator Ted Cruz eats an entire tub of cottage cheese everyday for breakfast. While initially seen as a simple quirk, it evolved into something more sinister.

Jebidiah Turner, an aide on the Cruz campaign trail, noticed the senator’s habits but didn’t think much of it. “The first time I saw him do it I thought, ‘Man, this guy sure like his cottage cheese! Nothin’ wrong with that. Nothin’ wrong with some [gagging sound] curdled cheese,” Turner said. But as time wore on, it became clear that this was more than just a cute Cruz quirk. “By the ninth time I saw this man slurping that [gagging sound] curd, I knew that there was a deep problem.”

Cottage cheese is a “soft, lumpy white cheese made from the [gagging] curds of slightly soured milk.” It is made by coagulating the milk until it [gag] curdles.

“Can I say that it didn’t nauseate me at first? No I can’t. Of course seeing that saggy-faced loser slurp down lumpy sour cheese horrified me to my core,” said Horace Cartwell, Cruz’s top advisor. “But this is a free country, and the GOP firmly believes in not interfering with individual rights, no matter how offensive they may be.”

According to Turner, Cruz’s wife Heidi has suggested on numerous occasions that her husband ease up on the cottage cheese, because it was taking up too much time and money. However according to Cartwell, they’re in on it together. “Heidi is his biggest, and often only, supporter in all endeavors, including cottage cheese. In fact it’s how they met! I know for a fact that if he loses this election, they’re leaving politics and opening up their own business: Cruz Curds [full on vomiting].”

Remarkably, Ted Cruz could be reached for comment, but when his assistant asked if it was okay if he ate his breakfast during the interview, threw the phone at the wall.

Dear Danezie: First Colonoscopy

Dear Danezie,
My first-ever colonoscopy is coming up this month. What kind of sensation(s) should I expect?
Sincerely,
Tingly?
Dear Tingly?,

Great question. Allow me to tell you about my weekend trip home and hopefully it will help you out. The day I arrived at my house was the same day my mom finally saw grades from last semester. In between bong hits, she asked me how much tuition money she had wasted on me this past semester. I very clearly explained to her that a D is a passing grade and therefore I technically did pass all of my classes. She responded with, “Christ on a stick, Danezie, how the fuck did you get a D in chemistry? I have a Master’s degree in Biochemistry; I could have helped you out.” I explained to her that I would never take any advice from someone who thinks it’s okay to wear a striped shirt underneath a flannel.
Fast-forward to our family dinner. I was sitting next to my bitch ass Aunt Joyce and she asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told her no, but that I did have a chlamydia scare two weeks ago and that is, in essence, the same thing. Aunt Joyce scolded me and told me that I was being, “vulgar and offensive.” I pointed out that those were the exact words that came to mind when I saw her split ends. My Uncle Ron changed the subject and asked me what I was studying and if I was going to follow his footsteps in engineering. I told him that I’m actually going to get a Bachelor of Arts. He said that is a huge waste of money and I asked how his daughter’s fourth stint in rehab is going. That night, everyone was sitting in their pajamas by the fire, praising Donald Trump and getting worked up over “them damn immigrants.” I casually floated into the room on my gay pride flag, wearing my “Fund Planned Parenthood” t-shirt and blaring “Bern Down for What” on my speakers. Needless to say it caused a commotion. So, Tingly?, just be yourself when you visit home. Your family should love you for who you are. But like don’t tell your mom that you went to a private doctor for your STD/STI panel because the bill is going to be hella expensive and she WILL be pissed.

Sincerely, Danezie

Mother Hopes Second Child Isn’t Also Red-head

By Phil Forrence

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Rachel Kuneck was never teased as a child. Bullies steered clear of her good looks and radiant self-esteem. As a blonde bombshell, she dressed modestly, dated the high school football captain (her now husband), and had a dry wit without match. She was the life of the party and the person everyone wanted to have in their corner. That changed when she had William.

“I went to drop him off on his first day of day care, but when I asked when I should pick him up, all that people would say to me was ‘A top of the mornin’ to ya’ and ‘Don’t look so scared we’re not after your Lucky Charms.’” Relates Kuneck, “They wouldn’t stop.”

Rachel reports that was just the beginning. “When I went to get my hair done, I thought it’d be fun to bring little Bill Jr. with me. My hairdresser, Linda, whom I’d been friends with for ten years, says to me ‘You know he might be the ginger but you gave birth to him so who’s the real fire crotch?’” Word got around to all the hairdressers in town and now Rachel can’t go to a salon without being called bloody-vag-spawner.

“It’s funny, I always knew Rachel preferred tampons, but I never thought we would raise one as our own,” chimes in husband, William Kuneck Sr. “If she keeps this up, we’ll be grandfathered into the IRA.”

Rachel hopes a return to normalcy is swift as she is pregnant with her second child. She says she will love all her children equally regardless of hair color, but adds a touch of diversity wouldn’t do anyone any harm.

Super Seniors Take On SuperDelegates

By BD Wahlberg

Previously! The Super Senior Justice League pursued the Party Animal horror to its Panther Hollow abode; Psychology studies paid off as The Power-Nap led an inspiring intervention on this alcohol triggered werepanther! Colder climate catalyzed confrontations as they teamed up with El Niño to take on WintryMix and The W-2some!  At home in the Secret Super Senior (and Señiorita) Solitude Sanctum, our heroes mistake Senioritis for Political Engagement!

“I can’t believe I forget about this crap every election season!” Miss’d Graduation slams her laptop shut and starts to turn invisible. “SuperDelegates. They’re going to ruin the very democracy of the Democratic party. ” Zooming in at the speed of a distraction, the ever hype Downward Spiral exclaims “Party? Where?!”

“Might as well be held at the Home for the One Percent at this rate. SuperDelegates. Damn.” FutureShock makes a slow spin and leans back in the chair in front of the ever watchful wall of monitors. “Uncommitted Democrats, completely unbeholden to the popular vote come nominee time.” Yawning, Power-Nap (yours truly) suggests “Well, why don’t we do something about it? And what better time than with Super Tuesday coming? This thesis sure isn’t due until April.” Miss’d Graduation snaps back into view, fierce determination in her eyes. “You’re on.”

~Montage~ Grassroots activism! Signing petitions! Fundraising for various organizations! The answering machines of SuperDelegates! Getting Lunch! Napping! The piling up of homework! Scathing blog posts! Provocative memes! More answering machines! More Lunch! Documents labeled “SECRET” traded behind the H2O drink tent by the Union! Exhausted slumping around back in the SSS(aS)SS! ~End Montage~

“Think that’s enough?” sighs Power-Nap. “You can never do enough…in the name of Democracy!” exclaims Miss’d G. Suddenly! Red flashing across the monitors! The curly blonde locks and flashing eyes of Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chair of the Democratic National Committee, form one picture across the screens. “HAHAHA! It is I, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chair of the Democratic National Committee!”

“We all know who you are, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chair of the Democratic National Committee,” the Super Seniors scowl together.

“Good! Then you’ll have to know you can never win this fight! You might think you can beat the SuperDelegates with grassroots activism and poignant satire, but you’re forgetting that this is the government! And you? You students?” She leans in with each word. “You. Can’t. Beat. The. System. And now, before you can freeze time, or zoom over here, or doing some nap-based thing, I’m letting registered federal lobbyists make donations! How does that sound!?” She throws her head back in throes of laughter.
As the monitors click off, Miss’d Graduation falls to her knees with a gut wrenching “NOOOOOO!!!” Uncharacteristically slow, Downward Spiral leans down to her quietly crying friend, “You feeling Hemm’s? At least drinking is something we can do. Shot pitchers on me.”

Will the Super Seniors joke about underage college kids? Will that be a sufficient distraction from their inability to affect change? Will it continue to distract them from capstones and final projects? Will the procrastination come back to bite them in their Super Butts!? Find out…Next month!!