A Small Poop on the Toilet Seat is actually an Urgent Fecal Matter.

By Ariel Pastore-Sebring

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“Help me! I can’t breathe,” squealed the little poop as bathrooms goers, one after another, ran from the stall where Jeremy lay. He was already starting to dry out and it had only been 20 minutes since his birth mother had excreted him, thus separating him from his incubating brothers and sisters. Not only was a lone soldier on this mission, but his cannon had poor aim and left him stranded on this seat, inches away from touchdown. During the blast he lost all of his weapons except his precious piece of corn that he had been saving for weeks. He reminisced of the day that the corn kernel came to him, barely touched, begging him to take care of it. He looked down at the kernel that was wedged into his side and felt reassured that at least he had this precious gem.


Every time the door would open Jeremy would look up longingly at the new guest, but the screams became tiresome and he gave up on being able to find rescue from a human. He had dreamed of this day for all his life, and yet it was nothing like he had imagined. In his adolescence he was taught that master would release him with several friends and family to begin a new journey through the bowels of the sewer system. He had dreams of meeting the legendary “Endurance Turd” who held off his own release for two weeks before being forced out by his whole clan. He was going to tour the Faces of the Feces Museum and even kiss the large gold coin that was excreted by King Tut himself. Now none of these dreams would become reality because he was alone and solidifying at a fast rate.  

Suddenly he heard a noise in the bathroom. It was a faint panting that grew louder and louder. He could hear somebody sniffing each stall and he prayed that they would not judge his appearance just as the rest had. Suddenly, the door squeaked open and a dog appeared in the entrance. Jeremy stared up at the dog praying that he too would not scream and run from the bathroom, but he did not. Instead the dog came closer sniffing the area around the seat until he stopped at Jeremy. They shared a moment of eye contact and the dog opened his mouth and ate Jeremy. Lucky Jeremy! He would have a whole new chance to make friends and to eventually be eaten again by another dog. Life is timeless and just when you’re down someone will pick you up.
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