Pathfinders? More like Path-Losers.

By Critter Fink

Everyone’s favorite Pittsburgh University tour guide cult known as Pathfinders have spiraled after a series of arrests and questionable actions last semester. Top secret informants informed The Pittiful News that it’s only a matter of time before every single Pathfinder will be, “going down a very dark and sad path; if they can even find their way to it.”


The first informant (codename: Path-fucker) has been keeping us updated about some of the organization’s deepest and darkest secrets involving alcohol. Allegedly, the Pathfinders have secret chants and spells that force you into drinking more at their parties. “TBH, if you’re not leaving a PF party vomming, like, are you even a Pathfinder?” said Path-fucker. When the new inductees are introduced to their older Pals, they are given an undisclosed amount of alcohol and a shot glass and, “they basically take the alcohol and pour it down your throat until you die. Only like four people have actually died from the post-retreat parties though, the really intense Pathies just want you to figuratively die,” said Path-fucker.

The second informant, Meth-finder, explained some of these unknown terms to The Pittiful News. “A pal is the term we use for your future sexual partner. Like they just really encourage you to have sex with them to build that strong bond and connection with the organization,” said Meth-finder. Path-fucker told us that “Post-retreat” is the party held in Oakland after their university sanctioned orgy in the woods. Allegedly, at this party they sacrifice all of the children bred out of wedlock from the big pal-little pal relationships and drink the blood.

All quotes given to The Pittiful News were off the record but because we are committed to getting the truth out there we are publishing them. Everything is alleged and potentially folklore but remember that lies are born out of truth. And stay tuned to see if the Pathfinders even make it to the end of the semester alive.

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